Chronicles of a Sojourner

Anger and Anguish

2012-01-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

Whydoes anyone have anguish or anger in the first place? Why did Godcreate in us these emotions that have turned so destructive? Whycouldn't He have limited their effect on us? I wish that were so.They run pretty deep in me and I know they do for many people. Angerand anguish are emotional responses to injustices and harm done to usor others.

Iam participating in the Beth Moore study “James : MercyTriumphs”. This portion of her notes and the DVD presentationreally struck me. The text she is using in her presentation is John 16: 20 -24.

From thenotes in the book:

Joy <----> Anguish

(Greekchara) (Greek thlipsis)

Withneeding new glasses at first glance I thought thlipsis was“therapist” How fitting....

Acouple examples from the workbook are:

pain+ anxiety = anguish or suffering + dread = anguish

InGreek the word Joy is connected with the source of the joy. It seemsin our culture that joy is often mistaken for happiness and to mostof those in the world it is the same. For me the definition of joyis something I haven't completely grasped even though it seems to beexplained adequately. It is my own personal “block”. The Greekword “thlipsis” is from “thlibo” which means“to crush, press, compress, squeeze”....as in pushing downemotions and memories. Anguish is defined as mental distress and Ican totally relate to that. The root word for anguish is the Latinword “angere”....which is also the root word for anger. One of its meanings is “to choke”. She suggests that anguishkeeps everything inside and anger brings everything out. When I havemy anger storms...I am in touch with much anguish before, during andafter. At some point in time there are a lot of tears...usuallyafter.

Asa young child being abused sexually by a couple family members andalso ritually abused by a group of mostly unknown adults I learnedquickly that to protest, cry or be angry brought on more abuse. Iwanted to not be noticed and in order for that to happen I had tokeep quiet and still. So any and all emotional responses were buriedinside. The first thing to surface was the anguish in the form ofdepression which was somewhat quelled by drugs. None of theanti-depressants worked very well so I was given anti-psychotics ortranquilizers which dampened my personality and affected my abilityto function so I might as well have been depressed. I also hadelectroshock therapy which did not help at all. I even had a sodiumpentothal (truth serum) session which brought out nothing because thememories were buried inside my alters.

At one point a therapist thought Ineeded a medication vacation and my doctor agreed, the emotionsslowly began to surface. I ended up on an anti-depressant only whichallowed the emotions and memories to minimally surface. I had manymemories of the abuse by my family members and eventually the ritualabuse. I cried a lot...still needing an antidepressant. I also beganto have anger fits...usually about things that didn't seem to matterand never around others. Inside we knew that being angry in front ofanother could have unpleasant repercussions even though we knew wereno longer in an abusive situation. I was placed on a low doseanti-psychotic since my doctor did not believe I had been rituallyabused and did not believe and treat Dissociative Identity Disorder. I went off those medications and no longer see that doctor.

My infrequent angerfits turned into anger storms...which brought a lot of anguishafterward. The anger comes from an alter or two or three, who areall ultimately me and I am responsible for doing the work to resolvethe anger and the anguish. There are many memories of events thatsurely brought on the anguish and anger however I do not feel theseemotions as I am thinking about those events. I'm not sure I didwhen I originally had the memories. I think I felt more confused andfearful at the time. Because of the nature of the ritual abuse thereare spiritual consequences, demonic attachments, because of the sinsagainst me and my personal sin. I have no doubt that there has been demonic influence onmy emotions especially the anger and anguish. Often demons are purposely attached to alters. Fortunately I have hadprayer from my pastor, therapist, and others to cut those ties. Recent prayer relieved daily anger storms and now I have had onlythree in about two weeks. Any anguish I have felt has not beennearly as intense either.

Iknow there is more work to do, more prayers to be prayed, morewriting, more inner searching of my alters to make connections. Healing is available and I am on that journey.

I know God used this study and this particular presentation to promote the healing work He has for me. It's another step into His purpose for my life.

More on Beth Moore and her bible studies can be found at: http://www.lproof.org/

Epiphany Moments

2012-01-06T18:33:00.000-05:00

Today isepiphany...the day we commemorate Christs revelation to the threewise men who came from a foreign land when they saw the manifestation of the star over Bethlehem and connected it toprophecy. It was more than simply following prophecy and magiceastern mysticism...for who else but God could transform theirgentile devotion to reveal to their hearts and minds the awesomereality of a living and breathing human God cradledin the arms of ahuman mother, guarded by a human father?

It is thesame power of God that realizes an epiphany in us of who He is andconverts our empty spirit into the home of the very Holy Spirit...apart of God.

As I havegrown in my spirit and walked the healing path intertwined with mywalk with Jesus, He had made to known to me as He desires for all ofHis children to continue to give us epiphany moments. He wants toopen our eyes and allow us to realize Him in us.

We all havedark closets in our lives that often we are not aware of. As asurvivor of abuse with DID I have more than most of my Christianbrothers and sisters. For healing to happen for me I have to allowJesus access to those closets and dark places. It is difficult foranyone to admit they have a dark place that hasn't been fully turnedover to God. Places where we go to sin, make excuses, hide, plastera smile over the pain, anger, fear, and lies. Often it is still inthe dark because subconsciously we have justified what is there. Jesus can and does reveal it to us when we are ready. He makes usready when we continue to submit to Him and ask Him to show us thoseplaces. I know I don't deal with people very well. I feel quitestressed working with the public. I am an introvert so that explainssome of that. Sometimes people have disrespected me, perhapsaggravated me in some small way but not abused me. I have found someresentment inside that I can't explain but that I don't wanthindering me. I also have a deep well of anger that I can't connectto specific events. I find I am inordinately angry with my therapistand sometimes others who are trying to help me. The “offenses”loom larger than any good things that have come out of theserelationships. This is not uncommon for survivors of various typesof abuse. Having DID, I have a few alters who don't want tointegrate, they think they are fine by themselves but others insideneed it. They do not like my therapist. But while the offenses needto be dealt with, they need to be framed within the truth. Sometimesits because I don't like being told something about myself that Iwould prefer to avoid. Stick my fingers in my ears and sing “nah,nah, nah...I can't heeeaaaar you!” Ok...so I don't do thatliterally but I do it as a survival mechanism that has lost its wayand lost its usefulness. A part of the truth is that I don't knowall the truth. I have to submit that to Jesus.

I realizethat there are more epiphanies to come for me about Him, about myselfand about this journey I am on. Once I think I know it all...I'llstop learning anything new and I'll stop progressing. If I closemyself off in fear or anger, if I quit giving those things up toJesus, then I will stop healing and begin a descent into sickness. Idon't know the future, I don't know what this path looks like a weekdown the road or even a day. But I choose to believe that I will behealed and that my destination is wholeness and victory. I don'tknow what it looks like but I want to do the thing that is set beforeme now and walk the path I see clear now. Now will become tomorrowand in a few days Now will become next week in a little while Now will become next month and so on. I can do the Now that has beenrevealed to me.

Jonathan David Helser "I've Seen I AM"

Finding Christmas In Me

2011-12-24T18:03:00.001-05:00

It'sChristmas again. My head is spinning with all the rushing...notnecessarily my own. Inside everything is more or less in turmoil. There is a battle about integration. Some of us are afraid, someanxious (although I am not sure there is a lot of difference betweenthose emotions.) A few are angry....pretty darn angry, but notnecessarily connected with the events my memory tells me that deserveit. So in the stir of doing recovery work...it's Christmas. I'mhaving a difficult time finding Jesus in all of this. Not that I amnot spending some time seeking Him, but not getting very deep. I amquite distracted. I'm not one to be very distracted with “stuff”or shopping, but the emotions I sense, thinking about the people inmy life, entertainment, thinking about working on keeping myapartment up....argh. I'm not finding I am being very quiet andlistening for His voice. I was dong that frequently for a while butit seems as I started dong some more recovery work that the quiettime with Jesus became shorter and I felt more distracted during thattime.

I work in aretail environment by necessity. I work a stressful part time jobthat God has provided even though it isn't a good fit for me. He hasa purpose for it. It is the job I have right now, nothing better hascome up for me. I keep looking and applying for better work butnothing has happened yet. I say this to say I am quite stressed outwith work...I am on edge and it shows. I am an introvert and havinga lot of interaction with people wears me down. My anxiety was outthe roof for a quite a while. That changed after I spent some timepraying with my pastor about it. God has relieved this but thereasons the anxiety was and is there are still waiting for me tofinish the process God has set for my healing. My anger is leakingthrough quite a lot now. I am acutely aware of things that irritateme or stress me out. I have needed to back out of social situationswith friends and family in order to retain my sanity. I skipped theservice at church this evening because of it. I also have SeasonalAffective Disorder and that is starting to kick in this week. I needto go to bed earlier, use my special light and eat right. Exercisewould be good but it is so difficult to walk since it gets dark by 5pm right now.

I do feelquite alone right now. I suppose that showing how overwhelmed I canbe when I am around people drives them away. (especially anger) They don't want to know about my pain and frustration. I am surethere are various reasons for that, not knowing how to help andself-preservation among them. I know many people are stressedtrying to keep up with expectations at this time of year. Manypeople are spending extra time with family and those who are close tothem, shopping and cooking in order to give good things to thosethey love. All good things. I don't know if they are havingproblems connecting with Jesus as well. Things have changed for meand I am having a hard time finding good time for my Creator, Saviorand Healer. How lame is that?

Now that itis Christmas Eve what am I going to do about it? I have had periodsof time when I have had good, intimate times with Jesus. Notnecessarily at Christmas or Easter. I am not very consistent withsustaining these times. Not very good at the “Christian walk” orpracticing the “Christian disciplines”. I know that He knowswhat is going on. He knows the conflicts inside and out. He is theanswer to my healing. He is gracious...far more than I am. Hedeserves my time, my self and my system belonging fully to Him. Ineed to get back to the anticipation of His working in me and throughme, anticipation of sensing His love, His affection, and His mercy inmy spirit. Taking time to be quiet and ask Him to invade the innerturmoil, the distractions and busyness and wait...and He will do it.

Road To Unity - Motivation

2011-12-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

I amstarting to read this section in the Freedom 2 manual on page68...”Six Characteristics of Unity” right, ha ha God...veryfunny.

The firstlisted is Motivation. The first sentence: “Our motivation is tohonor God, and doing so requires faith.” My first thought is that Ican most honor God by allowing Him to complete His intended work inme. That requires trust...and of course the faith. So does trustrequire faith or does faith require trust? Or both? I have majortrust issues...where does that leave me? I say I trust God but whatdoes that really mean? I spend a limited amount of time withHim...there are many distractions, some of them the same oneseveryone has. Working is important...sleeping, eating, taking careof my apartment. Others...not so important...like being on twitterand facebook or watching tv or a movie or reading fiction. I thinkof the song “Fully Surrendered” or the words I sensed Godspeaking to me....free fall. Those things are from Him...they helpme have trust in Him and help my faith in Him to grow. Gee...Ihaven't made it past the first sentence yet!

“Faithpropels agreement and the cleansing of our motivation.” When Ihear from God...my sense is that things in my spirit and my mind areclear...like being able to look into the distance on a clear day. There seem to be no obstacles. I know that God has cleared thingsfor me at that point in order for me to be engaged with Him...to hearHis voice. Yet I know that others aren't hearing Him, not sure theybelieve His intent for them is good. They might not even know He isspeaking to me. I guess if He wanted to speak so all could hear Him,He could break through. But that doesn't seem to be the case up tilnow. I guess I am the one that has to move in faith first. Otherswill follow as I invite Him into my inner being.

There iscertainly a lot of fear... “Fear and unbelief hinder unity; theyare the opposite of faith.” Wow...how is that wall going to comedown? How are they, any one of them even going to move from fearinto faith? “Fear seeks to control people, events, andcircumstances to avoid whatever we fear.” What doIfear? What do they fear? What will happen if I trust and have faith? “Unbelief keeps us from moving in radical obedience to God.” Iam choosing to believe...but I know I will be challenged withtrusting more and more. This is where the inner distractions canreally grab me and I find that I have done a lot of nothing by theend of the evening. It is where the “no's” being insisted oninside have to be acknowledged and then I set my face toward God,knowing He will walk with me wherever He is beckoning me to follow. That just sounded nice but when the time comes....what will I do? Howwill I feel? What will they feel?

“Ourheart motivation of faith or fear determines whether our unity istrue of false.” I need to acknowledge any fear and reticence Ifeel. I also need to find out why it is there. I need Jesus to comewith me inside to ask those questions and hear those stories. Icannot allow them to sink down inside again and pretend thosefeelings and thoughts aren't there in order to “be good” andappear united. I deceive myself and others and for no good end. Ido not want to allow deception on top of the fear and mistrust.

Allof the above require an act of my will to choose to take the time,choose to answer questions, choose to lay aside temporal pleasures inorder to fulfill my commission here on earth. Choosing to set asidefear in order to conquer it. Choosing faith instead of mistrust inorder to move on and not stay stuck. Ultimately it is choosing theeternal over the temporal...putting off feelings of contentment,pleasure and happiness knowing that I will reap even greatercontentment In the end. What I choose tonight may have consequencesnext year or in ten years. It doesn't mean that rest and relaxationaren't important but to be purposeful and mindful of all I need thatGod is providing for me now and in the future.

The Freedom and Freedom 2 manuals are written by Brian Brennt and Mike Riches and are used in conjunction with the courses by the same name. They are published by City Central Publishing in Tacoma Washington.

Hope in the Journey

2011-11-30T21:43:00.001-05:00

Whatdo I find hope in when I look at the difficult journey ahead of me? I admit it...some days I find very little hope at all. Other days Ilook at the changed lives of people I know who have done the hardwork and I know it is possible for me too. Having DissociativeIdentity Disorder I have alter personalities who have very differentemotions, experiences and thoughts. It is like living in a singleroom with a bunch of random people. Some want to sleep, some areangry, others want to watch cartoons, some are yelling, some areexercising. Some are complaining the light is too bright, othershate the clothes we are wearing, some think everyone else is stupidand others just cower in the corner. What a freaking mess!

Iam thankful God loves messes. Romans 8:35 says “Who shall separateus from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, orpersecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?” Jeremiah 31:3 & 4 says, “...I have loved you with aneverlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will buildyou up again and you will be rebuilt...” The context of this isabout the nation of Israel but as God's word has layers of meaning Ithink it can be applied to those of us who have been devastated andtorn apart in our souls. I believe my application resonates withother scriptures about God's love for us and about His plan forwholeness for all who come to Him.

Hopecan slip away when I see the hurt and pain in others I know suffer aswell. It can slip away when my system sabotages me and I becomeunreasonably angry or anxious and have no idea what unhealed part ofme holds so much pain. Right now only God really knows what happenedin my past that still has a hold on me today. I know all that willcome to light as I trust God to use my therapist and pastor in mylife. I guess none of us would do the hard work if we didn't havehope...wherever it comes from. Often I have had hope instilled in meby the encouraging people in my life. My pastor, a friend, mytherapist. They intentionally offer goodness to me, helping me tosee some of what God has for me. Sometimes I find hopeaccidentally....in a song, in a story, in my own observations oflife around me. Perhaps it's not so accidental...God puts things infront of me all the time.

MaybeI am writing this more to convince myself than anyone else. I am onmy own journey, not anyone elses. I hope (there's that word again!)that it ignites a spark in other fellow sojourners to something Godhas for their healing journey.

The following Youtube video is the song "My Hope is in You" sung by Aaron Shust

Not my will....but YOUR WILL O LORD

2011-11-16T10:15:00.001-05:00

Iand my church have prayed for a long time for God's outpouring. Hehas certainly responded, using us to bring healing to peoples lives,to make a stand on biblical issues in the face of the enemy, toreaching out to our friends, families and neighbors. I've been agrateful recipient of healing, sat in teaching and participated inministry opportunities. As a survivor of extreme abuse, it can bedifficult to navigate my emotions especially in crowds or when peopleinnocently and unwittingly say things or do things that could betriggering. I've come to know safety there, even in situations thatmight overwhelm me in another place.

Anumber of years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to walk into myChristian life. I don't remember if it was directly to me or to afew of us standing there. But it was something I took to heart. Ibegan to seek God more as to my part in the body of Christ where Iwas at. I participated more fully in worship and in ministry butalso in small groups. I was seeking “the kingdom of heaven” inother words. Quite imperfectly I might add. Haphazard as well since“I” wasn't actually doing a lot of listening to God although Iwas receiving teaching. It was at an intellectual level and aspiritually shallow level....

Istill wanted control of my frighteningly uncontrollable life. HavingDissociative Identity Disorder meant that there was a lot going oninside of me that affected my decisions, relationships, work and moodto name a few things. I had trusted the people willing to help meand God only to a certain level....and no more. I did not spend muchtime going inside to connect with my alters or with my emotions. Iput healing on hold in order to return to school and then to start anew job. I became disconnected inside and still am to a certainpoint. All this time I am trying to control things.

Flashforward to May 2010...I had gotten a part-time job which I felt wouldprovide for me and lead to a full-time position with a greatemployer. However things transpired, partly due to my dysfunctionand some misunderstanding that I became unemployed. Soon after Imade a decision to slowly go off my psychotropic medications. Ispent the summer exercising, looking for work and putting time intosome reading and therapy. As my body adjusted to being offchemicals, my emotions began to emerge. I began to experienceanxiety and mood fluctuations like I hadn't in years. I had thesame anger response...anger fits or storms...those didn't change. Often I couldn't connect any event or person with these emotions. Itseems they were triggered by some small thing but were so out ofproportion to what was going on. I knew they were likely theemotions that were buried from the abuse long ago. They had beendampened and held down by medication. The therapy part seemed tomove at a snails pace and when I thought that maybe my therapist andI were getting somewhere, the next session seemed to not pick upwhere the last one left off. I still don't understand it.

Igot my current job a year ago. I was pleased to be working eventhough it was and still is a part-time job that does not meet all myneeds by itself. My boss is rather unorganized and I am not. It isquite difficult to follow her and find things. She gets frustratedwhen I can't find them and sometimes her comments have quite a “bite”to them. She triggers my PTSD symptoms....a lot. I haveinternalized panic attacks at times I am with her. I can get veryconfused and am afraid of her. This has put a lot of pressure on mysystem of alters to function and I have become emotionally exhausted. I wonder often why God put me there. I'm thinking more and more itis to drive me to dependance on Him.

Inthe past month or so I started hearing God again. I believe He waslikely speaking to me all along but I was not recognizing His voice. It began one night when once again I could not sleep and was resting. I had lost my drivers license a few weeks earlier and kept lookingfor it. I thought that night that God told me to look between my bedand the dresser...on the floor. I went ahead a got up and looked butit wasn't there. I figured that if it was God then it was anexercise in obedience and if it wasn't it didn't matter anyway, Iwasn't doing anything, including sleeping. The next day it wassomething else...a few days later something else again. Each of thesethings was a little more difficult than the previous. What I wasdoing was being obedient, even thought I didn't feel like it and feltrather aggravated. I was submitting to God's Will and design forme...not just what I thought and felt was right and good.

Iam seeing that submitting my will to His is the key to my healing. Iwill be seeing my therapist that I don't understand and am somewhatafraid of today because that was what He asked me to do. I've had toforgive her for what I have perceived as offenses. We have some hardthings to talk about. I have to be willing to listen to her eventhought I don't really trust her at this point because I do trust Godand He has plainly said to me that I am to see her. When I say outloud “I trust Jesus” I can sense a change inside of me. Not surewhy or what is happening but it is good. I keep praying that Jesuswill be in total control today. I have to remind myself to not makeexcuses, to consider everything even though my emotions might bereacting negatively. I also have to write things down because I willforget. Praying Jesus invades my being today and everyday.

Reconnection and Release

2011-11-07T19:21:00.000-05:00

Asa survivor of abuse at home my MO, method of operation, was survival. I did what I needed to do in order to please those in positions ofauthority over me. I did not want to attract attention that wouldresult in emotional or physical abuse. It was all very subtle. Iwasn't locked in a closet or beaten until I was black and blue and Iwasn't called names. My ideas were discounted.... “no one thinkslike that” or “that's ridiculous”. My sister and I weren'tallowed to participate in many church youth group or classevents...we were somewhat isolated. We didn't “need” to do that. If something required a fee then sometimes we could work to earnit...sometimes though we couldn't do enough extra chores fast enoughto meet the deadline and the perceived opportunity slipped away. Igot so that I didn't even bother asking to do things anymore becauseit wasn't worth the frustration. Then I would hear, “If you hadasked you could have done that.” So many things to bury deepinside. Getting angry or expressing frustration would have brought onthe very abuse I was afraid of. I found even as a college studentthat standing up for myself brought on abuse. One time I was homewith my Father. I was in my room studying for a final exam and hecalled down the hall to come close a window. I replied I wasstudying for an exam and could he do it. I figured he was a lotcloser to the window than I was. He was instantly enraged and camedown the hall, grabbed me, pulled my arm up behind my back andmarched me down the hall. I do not remember what happened nextexcept to say I was too distraught to continue studying.

Evennow as I am writing this tears are flowing...connections being made.God is setting me up yet again! I've forgiven my parents for manyabuses...I guess it's time to forgive them for more.

Father,I release my parents from the grip of my anger, from the depths ofthe prison my mind and heart have created ….I forgive them. Iforgive them for discounting my thoughts, ideas and feelings. Iforgive them for placing me in frustrating circumstances. I forgivethem for creating impossible situations that brought on thedisappointment and internalized anger and panic. It is only by Yourpower that I can do this. I place them in Your hands for Your graceand mercy in the evening of their lives. I pray You reach into theirhearts and minds to free them from the prison they, their abusers andthe enemy made in them. Father, I ask You to release me and all thatis within me from the dungeon, from that dark place of apathy anddespair. Fill the temple that I am with Your light, chase everyshadow, sweep away the dark dust that covers everything and everyone. Throw open every door, seep through every crevice and reveal everyhiding place that has been created in my soul and spirit over theyears. Overwhelm me with who You are and even Your love.

Iconfess that I am afraid of love, Your love, anyone's love. Siphonoff the fear, untangle the web of lies, dissolve expectations andthwart spirits of confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, rebellion anddivision. I am afraid of betrayal...what if something goes wrong? What if I don't “get it” again? Bring me back to the reassurancethat You have it all in control and I don't have to control anythinganymore. I'm too tired to control anything anyway.

The Annoying God

2011-11-03T20:59:00.000-04:00

Whywould I call God annoying? Why would anyone dare call Him annoyingor aggravating? You would have to understand my relationship withHim for one thing. In becoming a more honest person I had to allowmy true thoughts and feelings to surface. For me this process meant going off psychotropic medications, facing my emerging emotions andtaking them to Jesus. That is the simple explanation. To start withbecoming honest wasn't my goal but if you know God, He'll use anyreason and excuse for doing things to accomplish His purposes. Apparently His purpose was me being honest with Him and with myselfand in turn with those around me.

Iwent off psychotropic medications when I became unemployed and thusunencumbered by expectations associated with employment. Never mindthe struggle of meeting my needs, finding side jobs and the endlessjob search. I was provided with a flexible schedule with most of thedemands being placed on me by myself. I went off the medicationslowly although perhaps not slowly enough. I began to experience alot more anxiety. The Bible says be anxious for nothing and I was...Ihad no idea what it was...not quite realizing that I had internalizedanxiety and had also covered it up with medication. I had, as ayoung child, been abused and had expected it. That of course wouldbring anxiety to anyone...to be told I was going to “get it” orsee the things happening around me that would lead to me being usedas an object, being forced to perform evil acts in a surreal scene ofhorror.

Ihave always had anger issues. I had and still have what I call angerfits or anger storms. Perhaps not when I was younger when I had theenergy to fully suppress it. After pushing down anger for many, manyyears at the abusive events and people in my life I am not surprised. However most of the time I could not and still cannot associate theanger with particular people and events. That is beginning tochange. Growing up in church I heard, as many have, about notallowing rage to take hold, to not be bitter. I heard about Jesusrighteous anger in the temple. Christians are told to quicklyforgive, however they are not told what to do with the anger thatstill swirls around in their gut.

Whatwas I going to do with the emerging emotions? I told God about themin conversations sitting in my living room in the evenings. I stilldo. Some were despairing crys, wanting Jesus to just get me out ofhere. I would turn over to Him my worries about work, aboutrelationships and getting my needs met but often that did not relievethe anxious feeling inside of me. Other times I confessed my anger,practically spitting nails in the direction of the chair I imaginedHim sitting in. To start with I wouldn't even be repentant ofholding all that anger and raging in anger storms, thinkingdestructive thoughts at the slightest provocation. I would collapsein tears in bed. I don't remember hearing Him speak to me about anyof it. I figured He was speaking but that my “hearing aid” wasturned off. I did confess my rage to Him but often ended up in tearsof frustration at myself, feeling helpless to overcome it.

Overthe past year and a half of this process which seemed like it wasn'tachieving anything, I became more honest with God about how I feltabout Him and what I thought about Him. I never heard Hiscondemnation although internally at times I sensed alarm at myhonesty. The old voices coming back to tell me to think holythoughts, to not feel those feelings...as if God didn't already know. I have begun to recognize God's voice as I have obeyed Him. He hasasked me to do some difficult things lately and I have felt annoyed. I told Him He was annoying and another time that He was aggravatingme. The thing is that He was challenging me to go out of my comfortzone. If He is annoying me...that means I am hearing Him andrecognizing the challenge. So far I have gone ahead and done what Hehas asked me to do. I know my attitude needs to follow along andfully accept Him and His process for my life. Yet I know that I willnot be able to fully deal with these emotions and their root causesif I do not obey Him. He has asked me to be honest and I have beenable to do that imperfectly in fits and starts. Even if I did nottell Him He was annoying me, He would have known it anyway.

Thisscripture was given to me as a teenager when I was upset at myparents denying a youth group event. I really didn't believe in Godspeaking to anyone so when I went ahead and looked up this verse Iwas surprised at how it fit my small circumstance at the time. I hadno memories at that time of the horrors that had taken place as ayoung child and the coming depression.

Romans 8:18 Iconsider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with theglory that will be revealed in us.

Deep Calls To Deep

2011-10-13T21:02:00.000-04:00

“Whyare you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put Yourhope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soulis downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land ofthe Jordan, the heights of Hermon-from Mount Mizar. Deep calls todeep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers haveswept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song iswith me-”

Psalm 42:5 – 8a

Thephrase...deep calls to deep...has always resonated with me. Itspeaks of God speaking His deep unfathomable word into that placedeep inside of me that He has created that is beyond my understandingand beyond the understanding of any created being. It would besomewhere in what modern psychology calls the “sub-conscious”. The flesh is actually “unconscious” to this deep, deep place.

Itis usually in the silence that I can sense this place inside of meand I believe God speaks to my spirit there. I'm not sure that Iknow when He is speaking to this place in me. Sometimes I do senseHis presence and Him speaking to me at times but I don't think it'sin this deep place. This deep place, at least for me, is far moresacred than I have dared to let Jesus take me.

Ibelieve that this deep place is what Jesus created as a special placewithin us in the human spirit for Him to reside inside of us. It isthe “Holy of Holies” within our being which is the temple. Byhuman spirit I mean the spirit God set inside of us at ourconception, not the secular or fleshly human spirit apart from God.

Thenext portion that resonates with me is “all your waves and breakershave swept over me”. I think of the 2006 film “The Guardian”in which Coast Guard swimmers are being trained for extreme rescueoperations. Many scenes of people in storm conditions show themdrowning. High waves are continually breaking over them in thesedesperate scenes. Life can be much like that for many people forperiods of time. Sometimes for years. We live in an imperfect worldwhere we are subjected to our sinful nature and the sinful nature ofothers. Satan wants at all costs to bury that deep place so deep wenever know it's there. He has succeeded in relegating it to theun-conscious of many people and even creating a delusion that thehuman spirit is the center of this deep place. I attest to many inrecovery always saying that healing is within “us” and is a partof “us”...referring to themselves and a secularly acceptable“god”....which basically is themselves.

AsSatan tries to drown us and bury the deep place within us he seems toforget that a person who drowns sinks... into the deep. God worksall things for His good and testimonies abound of “drowning”people finding Jesus...finding Him in that deep place from where Heis calling to them.

Satanassaults us and God's deep place within us from before birth. Weknow that the sins of the fathers come down to the children throughthe generations as curses and demonic attachments. Exodus 34:7 Children areaborted, and there are survivors of attempted abortion struggling butthey don't know why. Children are abused physically, emotionally andspiritually. There are many subtle abuses that couldn't be calledcriminal in any court that people engage in against each other. Ithas been suggested by some that infants and young children seeangels...they live close to that deep place where Jesus is...theyaren't drowning in this world yet and they have not turned aside fromHim. All of it originated in Satan's plan to tear us away from Godand make that deep place foreign to us.

Godcalls us to meet Him in that deep place whether we are in chaos or inpeace. He can call to those who are in the midst of war, to thosewho are in pain and in poverty just as He can to those who live inpeace and health. It is in getting to know Him through His Words ofLife, learning the sound of His “voice” that speaks truth to usthat we move into that deep place with Him. John 10:3 - 5

Margarent Becker with "Deep Calling Deep"

Workplace Bullying...Taking Emotional Beatings To Pay The Bills

2011-09-30T09:57:00.000-04:00

Bullying...Ihaven't really been able to relate to this specifically until thispast year. I really wasn't bullied as a kid. I was a bit of atomboy and I might have even done a little bullying myself. Ihonestly don't remember. Even though I was a victim of sexual,ritual and emotional abuse those things usually aren't calledbullying.

Recentlyhowever I became employed at a place where I feel my experiences canbe called workplace bullying or close to it. I tend to organize mywork so I know what I have finished, what I am working on and whatneeds done. Most places I have worked at have some kind oforganization like this. Manual forms, and supplys are kept in acertain place. It is somewhat haphazard at my workplace. I putundone work to the left and finished work to the right. That is how Iwas shown how to do the job when I was trained. However my bossleaves things all over the place. If I find them I can usuallyrecognize what needs done or not done. Sometimes things are justsitting there when I come in the next day with no notes. Anotherperson has noticed this as well. A co-worker also leaves things withno explanation. Sometimes things are moved to another location butnothing is said or a note left. So it is easy to get confused. Thereis no easy way to know what needs to be done, know where things areetc. I get yelled at because I don't check all the details whenthere are three or four things vying for my attention and many minordistractions. She puts things all over the place and I get yelled atfor not knowing where they are at. She spreads her work out and Ihave no place to do mine and I get yelled at because I am standingthere trying to figure out what to do. I will ask her a questionsand she says for me to get something which I think is answering myquestion but it is not then I get yelled at for not knowingspecifically what she wants. Sometimes she will tell me to getsomething off a shelf, isn't specific but there are about 200 itemson the shelf or 8 boxes to look through. Then I am too slow, shecomes over and gets what she wants, so she knows specifically whatshe wants and where it is. When it gets busy at work we all getstressed and that's when she starts picking. Even before she startsmy stomach starts to hurt because I know what is coming.

One of myco-workers likes to say things that are over the top. He wantsattention, wants to get peoples goat. I don't play into it much so Iam no fun. Often he picks on people, coworkers even customers. Heonce said something disparaging about some people with a certaindisability and I was amazed he would do that. I didn't know what tothink or say at the time. A day or two later I approached the bossand told her that even though I knew he was just trying to get areaction and didn't really think that way that I thought he could getthe company into trouble if someone overheard him. Never mind he waspicking on defenseless people. I said I would call the corporateoffice if I heard it again. Since then he has slipped once, sayingit would be funny if a customer with cancer could not get her painmedications. I said immediately that I did not think so and he saidthat's not what he meant. He says things I do don't make sense andwill do my work over.

I reallydon't know what to do about it. I work at a place that is more likelyto reduce my hours to zero and say they don't need me than doanything. I also overheard a phone conversation the boss had withsomeone she might hire. We do need someone to work a few hours but Ithink my hours will be reduced quite a lot. There is only onefull-time person in my position. Since I am part-time I can't workmore than 28 hours a week anyway. I still can't make ends meet. SoI anticipate that my hours will go down.

This iswhat I am dealing with day to day. It's making me sick. This is onlya part of the stress I am under at this time in my life. There can beno recovery from abuse at this time. These things may not seem likemuch but considering my background of abuse and PTSD...it's like it's happening all over again. God put me in this job but I don't knowwhy. I'm looking for other work but it isn't going very well.

Held

2011-09-08T17:44:00.001-04:00

I haven't been held in a long time....and it'll even be longer before I am held again. Have you ever heard that a person needs so many hugs a day? In checking that out I read 4, 7, 9 and 11. For me I figure it would be about 5 or 6. More than 7 or 8 would be down right annoying since I am not married and have no kids. I really don't want hugs from strangers.

But being held....that long embrace. The feeling of being loved and protected. It eludes me. I've been told now that I am an adult I really can't ask for that. Remember I'm not married either, never have been. I haven't been in a close relationship in over 20 years either....maybe 25 years. Then I guess my only immediate option is to be held by God. Yet upon doing a search on the the Bible Gateway website I find most references in the English Standard Version to the word "hold" in verses about man and God's relationship are about us holding onto Him. That is thought provoking. The one I like the best is Hosea 12:6 "So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God."

Thiswhere I am at. This is a time of holding onto God and praying Hishold is on me. I'm not too sure about anyone else in my lifebeing for me, understanding the truth about me, having an inklingabout what I need to do next. I am sure, as sure as I can be,that God knows and He holds.

Psalm94: 17 – 19 ESV

Ifthe LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived inthe land of silence.
When I thought, "My footslips,"your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.
When thecares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm73:22 & 23 ESV

Nevertheless,I am continually with you; you hold my righthand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward youwill receive me to glory.

Psalm139:9 & 10 ESV

IfI take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost partsof the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and yourright hand shall hold me.

Alone, Angry and Fading Fast

2011-08-31T07:15:00.000-04:00

I am losing my grip. I have so much pain right now its killing me. Pain related to stress, ongoing inability to facilitate my own healing, people withdrawing from me, an increasing intolerable job situation. I also have a lot of anger coming up.

It's getting triggered by the verbal barrage I receive at work. It's short of abuse I guess depending on your definition of abuse. One co-worker regularly insults everyone in a joking manner. He picks on people in general. At one point I mentioned about working with developmentally disabled individuals in a group home not far from where I work now. He went on to say they shouldn't be allowed out in public and some other outrageous remarks. I really don't think he feels this way, he was just trying to be outrageous. I really don't care if his intent was to be funny, he wasn't funny and not only could this be seen as his opinion about developmentally disabled individuals but our company's as well. Customers outside the pharmacy window can and do hear what we say back there. My feeling is he can pick on me all he wants, even though it is annoying and hurts, but he can't pick on other people. That is one thing that makes me angry. Another time when a customer with cancer called for a refill on a pain medication and we found she had none, he joked that it would be funny if she did not get her pain medication. I asked what was funny about that and he quickly replied that wasn't what he meant. I complained to the manager and said if I heard him pick on people again, even if he didn't mean it and was trying to be funny, that I would call corporate to complain. Apparently she mentioned to him to at least not say things around me because he hasn't. I haven't worked with him much due to scheduling due to peoples vacations. Hopefully my complaint put an end to that behavior.

Even though I feel like me getting picked on is no big deal, over time I think it has worn me down. Sometimes there is a real issue to be addressed, but not always. I tend to ignore the stupid stuff because my one co-worker just wants to get a reaction. He says I'm no fun. He's right. He is someone I've had to forgive. As far as my boss, well she is a difference story. She is disorganized. She doesn't communicate well. She had stuff all over the place yesterday and was standing directly in front of what I was working on. I had to leave it to go help a customer. I couldn't reach around her, I had no idea what else to do until I could get back to it. I said I didn't know what to do and it looked confusing and she said “that's obvious” and told me what to do. It's like this all time. I've asked her where something is and she will point and say “over there”. I go and it is not what I am looking for and go back. She says to me in an irritable voice to get that for her. She didn't say she wanted anything, she spoke as if she was answering my question....and it's my fault for not reading her mind.

I can't keep dong this anymore. Everyone wants me to communicate better with her. If someone ignores you it has nothing to do with me being the problem. Someone suggested taking cookies in or something like that. I took her a doughnut one morning and she threw it away when I wasn't looking. I know because I didn't see her eat it and then it was gone. When she left to go to the restroom I checked the bottom of the wastebasket and it was there. She then commented on a comment I made on facebook implying I was dirty...that I didn't do laundry. The other co-worker agreed with her. This isn't the same co-worker that picks on me. I only have 3 pairs of pants to wear to work so I have to wear them twice before laundry. I didn't send her a friend request...another co-worker sent me a request. It was this persons post we both were commenting on. Now I am trying to forgive them both and it is hard.

While my job situation is bringing me the most stress right now and is ongoing, it isn't the most important issue I have. The issue with my therapist still lingers on. I feel I need someone to go into my next session with her to support me in trying to get her to listen to me. I need to talk to her about my lack of trust in her. She wouldn't talk about it at the last appointment in June. The problem is that I do not trust anyone I know here to go with me. They all want for me what my therapist wants for me. That is to be integrated. Which is not a bad thing in fact it is a good thing, however I believe they would not be able to want for me what I want and need more than what my therapist wants. What I want is to establish enough trust to be able to work with my therapist toward this goal. I wrote about the issue with not being listened to in my post, “Are You Listening?” last month.

I am quite discouraged and depressed, especially as I see I do not have support for what I want. I don't think that wanting to establish trust is asking too much. I believe I will only receive support if I follow through with the therapist. Although this has not been stated directly I am fairly certain it is the case. I was told that a lot of people love me. I stated that until it move beyond words into action then it really isn't love. I'll believe it when I see it.

"Are You My Mother" by P.D. Eastman

2011-08-27T22:52:00.000-04:00

This story is simple...a child's story about becoming lost and the search for mother...for home. We are all that child. Jesus said unless we become as children we can't enter the kingdom of God.

Matthew 18:3-5 ...”Truly, I say to you,unless you turn and become like children,

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this

child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one such child

in my name receives me.. '' (ESV)

This child searched for the very basic of relationships...mother. While as Christians we seek our Father God...the first person of the trinity...this story goes to the more intimate and nurturing relationship we identify with and that is our mother.

It's not a far stretch to see this story as an analogy of our search for a relationship with Jesus. When we were conceived God placed in our tiny, brand new being the need for Him...a void only He could fill. Some have said that our spirits communed with Him before our birth. I have heard that very young children see the spirit world...they see angels around them. As this life and the flesh begin to dominate we lose that ability. This void is what draws us to Him...or should.

Our enemy knows about this void and has taken the good things that God has given us and driven us to excess. We seek so many things before we seek God. We think of addictions, alcohol and drugs. There is an emphasis on leisure and entertainment. We are materialistic, Madame Blueberry and “Stuff Mart” from the Veggie Tales comes to mind. Busyness, status and approval seeking, achievement and awards, overeating, exercise and athletic achievement, fitting into the world's view of attractiveness resulting in bulimia, attempts to control self and those around us with manipulative behavior and relating styles. Relationship is replaced with forms of relating...like pornography and internet social media. We have speed-dating for singles...comparing a persons traits and qualities to a list of what we want and don't want.

So much of this starts with brokenness in some area. When we are children we seek the love of our mother and father....their approval. Often the lines between love and approval are blurred for both the parents and the child. Approval becomes love. Disapproval may be shown by a withdrawing of love. Comfort or reward may be shown exclusively with special desserts, treats or money. What should be fulfilled in relationship is poorly and only half met in the offering of things.

There are even more insidious and grievous paths to brokenness. Many children experience neglect, abandonment and abuse of all forms. One blog post about this book suggested the mother bird abandoned her baby in search for food at the precise moment of birth...leaving the baby unprotected in its environment. We are born into a broken world to imperfect parents..including an imperfect mother. We fell out of the nest so to speak...because it is a part of the design of God. The search and the struggle is a part of His design to draw us to Himself. This struggle is hardly in our control...as children we follow those in whose charge we have been placed...for good or for evil and usually some of both.

The following is taken from Richard Wurmbrand's “The Unreasonableness of God”. I found it posted on the www.soaking.net website.

“If you are in the sad situation of experiencing neither His reason, nor His mad love,

you might consider the fact that in the parable of the ninety and nine, only the lost

sheep had sure proof of His love and concern. The others could reasonably say they

were neglected and abandoned.”

The baby went in search for its mother but walked right past her. He had an idea of mother at the start and she did not fit that. He kept asking along the way. We tend to get more and more desperate as we search and find nothing fills our heart. Many come up with new activities or increase the intensity or go to excess in the search to find what will not leave them empty and afraid when they go to bed at night.

John 4:10-14 Jesus to the Samaritan woman... “If you knew the gift of God, and

who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him and

he would have given you living water” The woman said to him “Sir, you have

nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living

water?” “Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank

of it himself as did his sons and his livestock.” Jesus said to her, “ Everyone

who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water

that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will

become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (ESV)

The animals and objects the baby bird queried can represent the people, places, things and experiences we look to outside of Jesus for fulfillment of our destiny in Christ. The steam shovel , the“snort”, is a different sort however. The “snort” lifted the baby bird back to the nest to be reunited with his mother. The steam shovel can be a type of Holy Spirit guiding us home. Often the Holy Spirit works through other Christians to guide us and it may take the form of a personal relationship, a book, radio program, music etc.

Journey to Joy

2011-08-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about qualities related to our relationship with Jesus and the state of being His child. Qualities like Love and Joy. I don't really understand them very well. As a survivor of sexual abuse and ritual abuse these things have been contaminated. Even more so in the broken relationship patterns of my family of origin. It's like I have a block when it comes to understanding them and embracing them in the context of being gifts from God. I hope in writing this post and asking Jesus to further redeem them, that I will grow deeper in my understanding, not only of Love and Joy but of Christ Himself.

I hear all the time that joy is not an emotion, that it is not happiness because happiness is fleeting. But no one really has ever defined joy for me. I went to Webster's Online Dictionary (link below) and low and behold it is defined as an emotion. I read through the comments which were mostly Christian in nature. One individual was looking for the difference between joy and happiness but did not come to any conclusions. Another however stated that joy comes through peace. That one caught my interest. I also noted another word, “joyance” which turns out to be an older word which means “delight” or “enjoyment”. That's a little better. So it seems that today the world sees the word joy as almost synonymous with happiness.

I found a biblical reference in the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia online (link below). It is extensive but many of the words interpreted joy in English come from Greek words which can also mean “excitement”, “exultation”, “rejoice”,“be bright”, and in one instance is closely related to the Greek word meaning “grace”.

But what does all this mean to me? If joy is more than an emotion, if peace is a part of the equation and if it is a noun that requires action...then what does God have to say to my heart and mind about it?

“Joy was placed as a spark inside of you when you were conceived. It has been there as long as you have existed. It is the zest for life that I intended for the most special of my creation....man. I intended it to be the part of you that reflected me here on earth. Each time you spend time with me it grows and glows through you. My hope was and still is that this light would glow through you as you participate in my life and ministry. I was in anguish when fallen men turned their twisted desires in your direction and tried to extinguish that spark. I made a way out of that place you found yourself in, knowing you would search for me and I would be there, even in the pain and darkness that held you captive. I led you here to question joy, to question what you have been told and what has been demonstrated to you. I am leading you back to the original spark of joy I joyfully placed in you many years ago.”

Wow...what a time it was to listen to His words speaking to my spirit. I have more to ask Him about...love and trust come to mind first. It is in His presence I thrive...when I don't take time to listen to Him I look around and can't even fathom His love and joy. It is so comforting to know when I stop my busyness that He speaks to me as if I was listening all along.

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 27:6 And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tents sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Much thanks goes to my friend Marie Wikle of Spreading Joy Inc. for challenging and inspiring me to pursue joy.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/joy

http://www.bible-history.com/isbe/J/JOY/

Playing with Jesus

2011-07-27T01:28:00.000-04:00

At women's group at church the book "The Giving Tree" was read and we discussed what to us was the comparison to Christ giving Himself...all of Himself to us. The tree gave what the boy asked for in a way that sacrificed the tree. Each time the boy came, the tree asked if he would come and play. The boy had other things on his mind however. How often do we have other things on our mind rather than to just "be" with Jesus...to stop and "play" with Him as in the story? We had a quiet time to listen to what Jesus was telling us. As usual, I was distracted and had difficulty getting into Jesus presence in order to hear Him. So at that time I didn't. This afternoon I had a quiet time and at least for a short while I heard Him. In response to the "come and play with me" referring to Jesus, I thought that I do not know how to play. I always have serious things to talk about, things to ask for...like the boy. I don't remember how to play. I thought about my childhood and I remembered playing with my dad. That's not all I remember about him...there's more than a few dark memories with him in them. So I cried and told God that I didn't want to play with Him...at least right now.

I began to pull some other memories about playing from my mind. Playing with Legos and Lincoln Logs for hours with my brothers and sister, playing soccer, softball, basketball and football in the yard...accidentally kicking my brother in the face when he tackled me...maybe...losing softballs down the storm drain...riding bikes down the big hill with no hands...sledding down the bigger hill and trying to make it to the creek at the far side of the bottom...fishing my brother out of the creek...taking all the books off the bookshelves and making roads for my brothers' toy cars and trucks. i could go on...more is coming to mind as I write this. But anyway...I wonder...what does one "play" with God? I don't know...I haven't played in a long time.

Are You Listening?

2011-07-16T21:04:00.000-04:00

Listening....people don't do it very well. I'm not sure I do either. Recently I've realized I've not been heard by people I thought had heard me. What I am saying has been ignored seconds after I have said it by someone who wanted me to hear them but did not care to hear me. No one has said to me that I have not heard what they were saying so I don't really know if I have tuned them out or just heard what I wanted. I am certainly not exempt from this, I'm saying how I have been hurt by it.

I agreed to sing in the Good Friday choir this year after being asked numerous times by the choir director. I really didn't want to but I thought it might be a good thing to participate in since I was in between bible studies and needed to be around some good people. So I went to some of the practices and knew my alto part well enough although not great. I showed up Good Friday and warmed up with the choir. Then I went in to find a seat in the choir and sat 3 seats in on the second row of the alto section. You won't catch me dead in the front row and I couldn't sit on the end due to the soloists needing to sit there to get out. A couple people came and told me to move down but I actually could not due to those seats being claimed already. I told these two people several times then I got up and left. I had it with them not listening so I just left. One of them actually saw me at work the next day and apologized. I told her she wasn't listening. The other person tried to talk to me Easter morning and I always need quiet before the service and I said more than once again that I couldn't talk about it now, can we talk about it later. She asked if I could be nice and started up again so I got up and left...again. I sent her an email Monday telling her how I felt and that she had violated a boundary by not listening to me Sunday when she was apologizing for not listening to me on Friday. I did not hear back from her.

Much to my disappointment my therapist has not really heard me on some important things. She got after me for not finishing the reading and assignment for a class I was taking at church that was to be helpful for my healing. The problem was that I had said I was not getting much out of it and then was trying to go over it again and not always able to finish it. I guess I needed to make sure she understood I did finish it but because I didn't fully grasp it I was going over it a second time and could not always finish it the second time through. The thing is the classes were last year in 2010 and I am just finding out she has thought this since then. She also assumes that I don't want my alters to be integrated. I have not ever just felt that I never wanted that. I just don't know about it and I would say something along the line of “no, I don't know, I'm not sure, I need to know more, I need to move toward that...” It seems that “I don't know” for her turns into “I don't kNOw” This frustrates me more than any other mis-communication we have had because this has been my thought and feelings on the topic for a long time now, about 10 years or even more. It's no wonder that she doesn't work with me and my alters toward merging. She tells me what I am doing isn't working and I understand that but she can't be in charge of my therapy because she doesn't listen to me. She may know how to lead me through the process of merging and integration with God's guidance and His healing touch but she isn't making any moves toward creating confidence and trust in her. A part of this listening thing may be what she remembers. The classes were last spring and then again in the fall so it's been 9 months since the most recent one.

I know at work I don't hear others very well and not that I don't listen, sometimes I can barely make out what they are saying. I don't hear soft or low tones well, especially when there is a lot of background noise like at work. I've had coworkers comment that they know I'm deaf. There is one co-worker whose voice has higher tones and unfortunately mocks others often. I could stand to tune him out, he is quite distracting. A part of this may be an actual physical problem but it is undiagnosed. Another thing is that as a survivor of abuse, one of my coping mechanisms was to dissociate thus not hearing, not seeing, not sensing what was going on around me. Since it is difficult for me to focus at work, I might be dissociating auditorily in order to accomplish my job. Not on purpose, it just happens.

Psalm 84:8 “Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob.”

Proverbs 8:33 “Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.”

Psalm 10:17 “You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,”

Psalm 17:6 “I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.”

Therapy...Or Not

2011-07-03T08:25:00.001-04:00

Ihave struggled and prayed over the past 6 months in regard to mytherapy and healing. I decided to add to this post my up to dateinsights and progress. My up-to-date insights are in italics and areblue...the original post is in green.

I had an appointment with my therapist a couple weeks ago, before the reconciliation meeting with my pastor. This appointment didn't go so well. I sent her an email a couple days ahead of time. I'm finding if I don't write things down or send an email that I forget stuff I want to talk about.

She basically said she was as frustrated with me as I am with her. She completely ignored the fact that in the email I twice said I didn't trust her. She did pick on a previous negative experience I had with a counselor that I saw at one point after she said she wasn't going to see me for a while. I had brought that up because I said that was when I quit trusting her. I don't know if she expected me to say it but at that point I was reacting to her reaction to my email. I'm seeing I have to keep things very simple with her, more because of me than her. She doesn't seem to understand I get “lost” and the important stuff doesn't get covered because I end up forgetting. I know she knows that I don't always talk about the most important issues in our sessions. I'm not sure she cares to talk about anything I think is important or on how to handle my life.

Mytherapist and I have met twice in the past 3 weeks after not meetingsince mid-May. We were honest with each other and it was less “hot”. I told her about ongoing difficulty dealing with the public at work,that the anger fits and emotional extremes were getting worse andthat I was quite stressed out. I told her about the class I took andhow I was working through it slowly in order for it to sink in. Thisclass was recommended to my by my pastor who knows I have DID andthought it would be valuable in drawing my alters to Jesus andexposing some of the occult beliefs and influence that is mostcertainly lingering. She told me about sessions where I did not sayanything and she waited. I remember periods of time where I didn'ttalk at all but not the whole session. I know I wasn't rememberingwhat she told me and assignments. I did write down things duringthese sessions...I know I need to do what I can do and not let therebe any sabotage of my healing.

Since I don't trust her and haven't for a while, I find that more and more I haven't told her everything. When I have been more honest I find I need to defend myself, protect myself because it goes somewhere confusing and I feel like a failure. I'm sure she wants to push me and that would be okay if I trusted her.... except its not safe with her, anymore.

Thereare still feelings of caution with her...I am sure some alterstotally mistrust her. But that is something that can be worked on. Iam going to have to be willing to be honest and allow those feelingsto be expressed and see what happens.

As far as doing some of the work of the classes I took last year, she seems to think I didn't get the homework done. I've always struggled with follow through and used to hardly ever get assignments done. I've done a lot better in recent years and last year I got almost all the reading and exercises done for these classes a day before. It was when I was struggling with the material and not understanding that I would try to go over it and not always get the review done. She said that I did not get things done. I have no idea what I said that made her think that. I guess when I say I struggle with the material and not get all the way through the review and doing things over I need to say that I did complete it.

I guessI told her plenty of times how I wasn't done with it. I know I endedup finishing often enough and even started to go through it a secondtime. I guess if I told her I wasn't done then that is all sheknows. I just am not sure...I know I was rushed to get through itafter realizing if I took my time I wasn't going to even get it readthrough. But this time through the class I made it clear I was goingto work through it and not just read it and rush myself. I'm stillworking on it even through the class has been over for a month now.But I am getting things out of it that are valuable and I think I amallowing the truth to change me and my relationship with God isgrowing as well.

She brought up how I don't want to integrate. Period. She doesn't seem to remember that I or more like my alters aren't sure about it. We need to know more. We need to work on this thing in steps. We need to become comfortable with the idea. She doesn't seem to remember me expressing that. I don't remember working toward acceptance of integration. She doesn't approach it that way. It's all or nothing apparently. Even though I tried to remind her of that it didn't seem to register.

She says integration is a work of God. When I ask about what that is about, what I need to do....her answer is that it is different for everyone so anything she tells me may or may not be true for me. I still want to know how this has worked for others but I can't get an answer out of her. Since I don't trust her, I'm not accepting that non-answer.

Oneof my assignments is to go in and connect with the alters and findout their thoughts on integration. I was honest with her about how Ifelt about it...cautious but willing to do it. But it will be easierif the alters can come around and be on board. I don't have a lot ofinformation on the process from her but that is okay. There is otherwork to be done to get there so I'm going to focus on that. Onething is for sure is that my alters don't co-operate enough for me tobe successful at work or in relationships or even managing well athome. I'm tired of working jobs that I have all the skills,knowledge and qualifications but just can't perform.

I guess at this point I don't trust God either. It's been a long time I've been on this healing path, trusting that it is the right thing for me. I have done what is asked of me. At some point I have backed off being invested because I continue to be disappointed and confused. Sure I'll do the work but I have to measure the energy I put into it. I only have so much and I am expected to have a job to support myself. Since I tend to do poorly at work and have lost a lot of jobs I am invested in having enough to pay the rent and put food on the table. I am told other people heal and hold down jobs. I see the talking out of two sides of the mouth. With integration everyone is different but when it comes to having the energy to do the healing and work a job...everyone is the same.

Rightnow I think God is the only one I trust completely...or as much as Ican. Trust is growing for some people, like the therapist and mypastor...others I'm not sure about. I had someone that I trustedquite a lot and no one else for a few months but she seems to havedropped back in the picture since I saw my therapist the first time.She doesn't say much of what is going on with her or why. I'm notsure about our relationship at all. People are confusing. I don'tknow if there is anyone I can call if I am having a crisis...as infor support.

She says I am resistant and have been for years. Sure, I don't trust her so why wouldn't I be resistant? I don't trust anyone right now. I will only say so much, because there is no point saying more. Saying more, being even more transparent won't help me and it could hurt me.

Ineed to be honest and transparent...need to work on this since somealters are all about being protective even if that means beingdishonest.

Anyone in their right mind is probably thinking why I don't get another therapist. Right now I don't have insurance so I just can't go to anyone recommended to me. There is always the public mental health clinics but I wouldn't have control over who saw me or even if they believed in DID. Never mind it would be highly unlikely they would be of much help with the spiritual component, from a Christian point of view. I know some therapists have a sliding fee scale. I checked into this last fall when I first realized that I was losing my insurance and that things with this therapist wasn't going well. Yes, I buried the feelings of mistrust as usual. I make so little money that the fee would have to be very low in order to see someone twice a month. In fact my income is so low I cannot meet all my needs. Right now the extra is coming from my tax refund from last year. I haven't gotten any extra work for about 2 months. Hopefully in the fall I will be able to tutor to make up my shortfall from my part-time job. Then maybe I can find a therapist.

Atthis time I don't plan on seeking another therapist but I may contactanother therapist out of the area at the suggestion of a friend in order to consult. I don't know yet, I have to pray aboutit. What I don't need to do is go between different thoughts onhealing and have doubts about either.

Reconciliation

2011-06-20T20:55:00.000-04:00

I finally had a meeting with my pastor who I have been angry at for a while. I waited way too long to do this but really didn't know how to do it. I was afraid but finally decided I had to push through that and do this.

At times she has made comments in frustration at my inability to accomplish tasks. I don't have very good follow through. It has improved but my reputation for not getting things done precedes me. Last fall a comment was made to me when I expressed struggling with some material for a class she was leading. At that time I decided I had enough and backed off communicating with her about how I was doing. I wasn't sure how to tell her how I felt. I also had a lot of difficulty when my friend committed suicide at the end of January. In fact, thinking about it now, it is just shy of 5 months since she died. My pastor was one of the people she started to do some prayer counseling with upon the recommendation of her therapist, way before my pastor even went to seminary. My friend had told me she was really tough on her and she felt overwhelmed. I know my pastor can be challenging to the point of seeming harsh. I'm not sure why she takes that approach. Others have commented on it as well. In a way I blamed her harshness for leading to my friend feeling as if she had to die, that there was no one who understood the depression. My pastor does in fact understand it, she's been there too. I had to confess how I was angry at her for her approach in the case of my friend. She did not know that my friend felt that way. I wrote a letter to my pastor that I mostly used to remember what I wanted to bring up and to explain my feelings. So here is the beginning of my letter to her:

“I've been living a dishonest life. I thought I was making changes. You probably already know this. I thought that even if I didn't quite "get it" or understand I would still obey, still "do the work" and maybe God would still work in my life and bring the understanding later.

Old habits die hard. Adjusting to what I perceived almost subconsciously to what others asked of me or approved of. Being afraid of too much criticism, needing too much the love and encouragement and approval of others. But knowing that was at least a part of my willingness and motivation was not really at a conscious level. Even to the point of denying being angry about some things. Alot of things. Never mind that I was afraid of my anger, afraid to express it. Afraid of the disapproval I would get if I did. I know that some inside are pretty invested in what they want and steal memories or stage things in such a way that I don't even realize why I might do things...or not do them. Even when I tried to have times to communicate with them there was very little. I t's been that way for quite a few years now.

I went along with alot of things I wasn't sure I wanted to do. I did them because I was asked to as a part of transforming my life, growing and maturing. But so often the growth was lost in needing to meet the requirements. Fear in disapproval when I struggled was reinforced a few times. For me, they loom larger than the many times I was encouraged. I don't know why.”

There is more but this is what I want to share here. Many of my little ones really, really like her. She does know how to treat them and can be quite warm and safe for them so it wasn't difficult to refer to them with her. She asked me to forgive her for her comments, which I had done already. I told her that I was afraid to dream, to know what I wanted. I talked a few minutes about things I hope for, not just for myself. Actually mostly things I hope to see for the Kingdom of God. She stopped me at one point and got on her knees in front of me and looked me in the eyes. She is tall so when she is on her knees she is at eye level when I am sitting. She told me ever since she has known me, which has been since 1990, that she has seen the light in me. She knew that God's intentions for me were to reach many people with His light. So of course I am crying by then I'm crying now thinking about it. She said a few other things along this line but I don't remember them now. That was the reconciliation that I have been needing this year. It was a bit messy. I had waited, wondering if my anger, which is considerable, would interfere. A lot of my anger is attached to things in the past so I am not always sure if what I am feeling is warranted by the event or person I am trying to deal with in the present. I felt little anger during that time with her. She gave me over an hour and half of her time, leaving a meeting a bit early in order to meet with me.

I went and did the hard thing. I “pressed” into the emotions of fear and anger and came out the other side as far as my pastor was concerned. I am glad I did. I am sure she will still have some frustration when I pull my not following through act again. I hope she understands how it affects me and my alters. While I am mature and understand that I can sabotage myself and need to be accountable, my younger less mature alters see rejection and can't handle too much of that at this time. I am blessed to have a pastor who understands DID and depression and has overcome these things herself. Too many others are in churches who would rather ignore this problem and hand it over to mental health professionals and not see God's intent for our lives. I can only seek to continue to heal and become the light that my pastor sees is God's intention for me.

Pressing In

2011-05-18T17:57:00.000-04:00

Much of this year up to this point has been difficult. A friend I was getting to know committed suicide at the end of January. I knew how she felt, I have felt that way off and on much of my life. For me, healing in the past 15 years or so relieved me of those thoughts and feelings much of the time. After the shocking news of her death I remembered those emotions and thoughts in detail. However I did not fall into that depression. It was strange to remember the feelings and not actually be in the middle of them. It took about a week before those memories began to fade a bit. However I do not want to forget them. If I forget them then I won't be able to empathize or actually do anything toward encouraging others in their journey of healing. I know “something” has to be different in order to make a difference.

I know that the point of the Christian life and of healing isn't to “not feel bad”. We live in an imperfect world where our boundaries and peace are often violated. Some boundaries are obliterated when sexual abuse happens, when violence occurs, when a life is taken. However everyday we experience people invading our space, speaking disrespectfully, cursing and so on. We often tolerate these things and sometimes aren't even aware they bother us. There are other things that violate our peace. Too much noise bothers me. Quite often it's too many people wanting too many things from me. That is basically my job right now. I get done with work and I can't stand playing the radio....it's too much noise. I need quiet. I don't enjoy being with groups of people either for the same reason. I didn't do the Easter family get together for that reason.

There is of course the greater Peace, from the one who heals and restores and that is Jesus Christ. I go to Him in the quiet I try to make sure I have every evening. No TV or computer and even no worship music, and hopefully the upstairs neighbor doesn't have his loud friend over. I have my friend Jesus over to sit in the other chair in my living room with me. I don't even have to say anything to Him.

It's in this quietness that the feelings surface. The anxiety from pushing myself at work to be who they want me to be that I am not. Fear that I'll make too many mistakes and lose this job too. The continued sorrow from my friends death. The frustration at not being able to discipline myself to eat right and have more healthy habits. Not understanding how to really love others. Not understanding love. Not feeling loved.

The point of my healing journey isn't to not experience these feelings. However it seems for me that it is the point of watching too much TV, spending too much time on the computer, eating too much and sleeping too much. So in the quiet I press into those feelings but not as an end unto itself. It is to take those feelings which are based on my wants and needs to the only one who can truly understand them and understand me. It is God who created me, who created humankind to have emotion, to have needs. It is the enemy of God's beloved creation that whispers lies to us, pushes us to interpret and fulfill our needs in ungodly ways. I am trying to understand what He has for me at this job right now. What did He create me for? I am always floundering. It seems if I learn and grasp one truth then I run out of room and another one falls off the other end of myself to make room. I wish I could mash all those truths together so they would stick and grow and come alive in me. Not sure why Jesus isn't helping me with this. I just don't know.

Ramblings

2011-04-30T18:07:00.000-04:00

I keep walking...keep putting one foot in front of the other....not always sure where I am going or even if there is a purpose to each step. I just do it. I believe the people that tell me it will get better. I'm not sure I am doing the things I need to do because it is an expected part of the process or if I believe in the process. I'm not sure if I see that A + B + C = D. I saw my therapist a couple weeks ago. We discussed some things, a couple of them being things I needed to do. A couple days later I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do. I had a pad of paper with me at the appointment but did not write them down. I had written some notes about what I wanted to talk about. I emailed my therapist early in the week about it but received no reply. I didn't schedule an appointment this week. Obviously if I couldn't remember what to do then I didn't do it. So there was no point scheduling. She says she is sure I have alters that are sabotaging me. I agree. Who the heck is wiping my memory of what we talk about? It happens all the time. I forget what we talk about all the time. So I had to come up with something productive to do. I have used a Youversion.com scripture reading plan. I did the one on anger and hate and the one on the words of Jesus during Passion week. Those were good. I think I am going to review the one on anger and hate. I am also reading "God Attachment" by Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub.

I hate my anger. It is so screwed up. It has actually interfered with a relationship. A person I am church friends with kept sending me stuff that wasn't true. Internet rumors. She would not check them out no matter how often I emailed her back with links showing the fallacies. I encouraged her to bookmark the truth or fiction website and others. Finally I got one and sent a curt email back and I hit reply all so all of us who she sent it too would get the link. I did not hear back from her but a couple people she sent it to that I don't even know replied. One of them attacked me, I'm not even sure why. I let that one drop by not replying. My friend did not even reply nor has she brought it up at all. Now she doesn't send me any emails. It's annoying when people won't listen.

I don't get listened to quite a lot. I ended up reluctantly agreeing to sing in the Good Friday choir. I didn't like most of the music, which didn't matter since Good Friday music isn't supposed to be energetic and lively. So Good Friday rolled around and I showed up and went to take an empty seat in the choir area. I don't like sitting in the middle, but no way was I sitting in the front row. So I sat 3 seats in. A few people who had individual singing or speaking parts needed to be on the end. Two people came up and were telling me to move down. One of those people had no reason to make me move and there was plenty of room for the other person to sit on the end as she needed to. The seats they wanted me to move to had purses on them so they were already claimed, there was no where to go. I told them that more than a couple times... then I had it. I got up and said I was done and I left. I did not stay for the service at all. How could I get anything out of it at that point? I was worn out from being around too many people at work and just could not "do" it. Me and Jesus needed some time and what that day was for...remembering His sacrifice.... wasn't going to happen for me in that setting.

The next day was Saturday and I was at work and one of those ladies was at my workplace as a customer. We chatted briefly and she apologized. She is someone who is likely to do the same thing again. No point explaining anything in depth, she wouldn't get it. Then on Easter I got to church and this lady talked to me for a minute, saying she was glad I was there. I then said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I have a hard time getting into the mind frame and spirit of worship especially when there is a lot of people around. Then the other lady came up and I said right away I did not want to talk about it right now. She kept going and I said it again. She said "Can you be nice?" I said no and then said I was done again and got up and left again. This time I went to the car and cried for a while. I went back in and people were singing the first song so it was safe to sit back down. I didn't feel good the whole service. I thought about what had happened. This person who didn't listen to me on Friday again didn't listen to me, violating a boundary I had clearly stated. I waited till Monday morning and emailed her at the email address listed in the church directory. She has not replied. I'm thinking I may need to call her. Maybe I should leave it alone since the ball is in her court now. I did say what happened, how I felt about it and that I had forgiven her. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.

If someone is violating your boundaries by ignoring a request, what do you do? Maybe I wasn't nice, but neither was she.

Lent

2011-03-10T17:54:00.004-05:00

The traditions of Lent are pretty basic. We give up food, as in fasting, in order to participate in the suffering of Christ. There can be more to it than that but I'm sticking with the basic idea of preparing oneself for celebrating Jesus' resurrection. We are to fast in order to spend time with Jesus our savior. Many also save a sum of money that would be used to purchase the meal and donate it to a charity, usually one the church has chosen. So in "giving up" a meal or a certain food, a person can choose to "give". That is simple and concrete, easy to understand and do. Many do it thinking those things in themselves are enough to garner approval, to be obedient. At a certain level they do gain approval and can be said to be obedient. I've learned to reach beyond that in participating in Lent. I'm not sure I always do in other areas of my life. I hope in my giving up that what I offer Jesus instead is more of my heart, soul and mind.

I know I need to be specific. Anyone who read my last post (scroll down) sees the obvious need I have to do just that. How does a person who is angry continue to commune with God? How do I lay down the anger and move on? I'm not sure of the answer to any of those questions. I do know that during this time that I need to seek answers from Jesus and wise counsel. When my friend who committed suicide expressed her frustration with not being understood by Christians who in all well-meaning and ignorance advised her to spend more time reading the bible, memorizing scripture and in prayer I felt I needed to find some resources for those well-meaning people on depression and the struggle of abuse victims. I've found a couple things, but nothing really stands out. Since I decided to try to find these resources, she decided she couldn't handle life anymore and committed suicide. In my grief and increased anger I had difficulty focusing on trying to find more resources. Now I need to deal with my anger. Perhaps in trying to help myself I will find what I need to fulfill my quest.

So what does any of that have to do with Lent? In sacrificing my recreation and pleasure time I will be seeking Christ through some materials I was given to use in prayer, a book with some exercises I am starting to work on and seeking some answers about my anger through Jesus wisdom and the servants He has placed in my life. It doesn't feel good. The anger is almost unmanageable at times. I then feel angry at myself for letting it get like that. I don't know what to do. Someone who will not read to the end of this post will tell me I have to forgive; I have to lay it at Jesus feet etc. I have done these things to the extent that I know who I am angry at and what events or words have hurt me. Doing those things in obedience does not erase anger. They haven't erased my anger. It is only by the grace of God that I have been able to be angry over my friend's death and at those who failed her and not fall into bitterness. The past 5 or 6 days have been extremely difficult and I am not sure where I have fallen but I am sure I have or I would not be feeling this depressed or angry. Fine way to start Lent when I am supposed to be spending more time with Jesus and I find myself separated from Him. I don't know what is going on and I am not sure I am going to find out.

Angry

2011-02-13T19:16:00.006-05:00

Anger...it's the thing that can drive you crazy but can drive you to make changes if you know why you are feeling it.

I have been so angry about my friend's suicide. Angry at her but not nearly so much as toward the people that I know have let her down. I wasn't even so angry toward them until one of them gave a reason for not being helpful to me that shows that its just the same old game. Something about a person who needs something having to ask for it. I an understand they don't want to play guessing games. But it is the excuse for not reaching out....at all.

WhenI wrote this I only had the information my friend gave me. I didn'thave the view of those who she talked to. I know she was challengedby what she was presented with and chose to back away. She did notcommunicate with those she met with the difficulty they presented herwith. It seems she didn't trust them and did not believe that thetough choices she was presented with were something God wanted forher. She did talk with the pastor about him not returning her emailshe sent before Christmas last year.

For myself, I have so many needs but have little to no hope of getting them fulfilled that I can't even think to ask. My needs and my dreams are so well buried under discouragement that I'm not sure I want to open the wounds of disappointment to access them to ask again. I know that's the wrong attitude. I have to be vulnerable in order to get what I need. Like Oliver Twist asking for more porridge. He stepped outside the boundaries of the custom of the orphanage. A child never asked for more. Never. Never mind growing boys need good and abundant nutrition. The response of the caretaker is what I feel I have experienced often in trying to get my emotional needs met. Not completely. It's difficult as an adult to ask for my emotional needs to be met when my emotional needs come from lack extending back to childhood. I can't ask to be held. I have suggested to a friend now and then that I would like to spend time with them. I have spent some time with friends who are as emotionally needy as I was. That is not usually fulfilling and a few times it has taken more from me than given. I spent time with a friend last month seeing a movie and getting dinner at a fast food place. Neither of us had alot of money so the movie was an extravagance and a treat. The few bucks for the dinner topped it off. It was a good time. My friend has called me once since then. She left a vague message that led me to believe she would call back. The next day I received the call that our other friend had committed suicide. Nothing since.

I am angry, not just about my friend being failed but also myself. When so much is said about healing and yet it is dangled just out of reach how can a discouraged or depressed person even begin to expect to be understood? The very nature of being depressed is a belief that you aren't understood and won't be. Who is going to reach out and demonstrate care and understanding? Apparently this is not how things are done. I don't want to dig a little deeper to come up with something I need to present it before someone I don't trust. It isn't logical to be honest with people you don't trust. If I'm not honest, why bother.

I pretty much understood my friend and she understood me. No judgement, no one gushing about praying or I should do this or do that. No one telling me what I should do then expressing disgust when I struggled in doing it. One thing I need and she needed is for someone to listen without trying to fix it. I can't heal if I am being judged. I can't heal if I am this angry.

I'vegiven up being angry...it's run it's course and I have forgiven. Iam still in the process of learning to trust again. I am not surewhat is going on, not sure I understand where those involved in myhealing process are leading me. I trust God and it seems to me thatHe has me re-engaging with them in His plan for my healing. I've hadto do hard things...God has been speaking to me and telling me somethings and I have pretty much followed through. I am working throughthe material for a class I took at church. It takes a while forthese things to sink in and then a while for them to come back to thesurface so I can deal with the issues. It is a process that God isusing to do His work in me in order to bring healing.

Chasm of Despair

2011-01-27T16:40:00.001-05:00

How does a person begin to explain to the uninitiated the depths of pain and despair of depression? Having spent too many years there myself and having come through it and out the other side one would think I could find the words. But it has been too long and those feelings and tormentous memories fade. Only now at the succumbing to these feelings of a friend do I have memory of them as if it was yesterday but without actually feeling them.
During that long time of depression I had a recurring dream of falling, slowly, into a deep pit or well. It was a slow fall. I could see on the sides of this large well people living in the darkness, watching me fall past them. It got darker and darker the deeper I went. There was a vague sense of something awaiting below...perhaps the bottom, but never a sense of it getting any closer.

Another similar visual that many of us have seen on screen is in The Lord of the Rings films. The scene where Gandalf faces the demon inside the mountain. We think, as he does, that the demon is defeated on the stone bridge. Gandalf is heard saying in the minutes before the confrontation that he knew he had to confront the demon and it would be the battle of his life. He knew that he had to use every resource given to him and all knowledge and skill taught to him and more. We all sigh with relief, as Gandalf does, as the demon falls when the bridge begins to crumble. As Gandalf turns away a fiery whip comes up and grabs his ankle, pulling him down. He then glimpses a bit of the the enormity of the battle he truly faces. It is not just a single confrontation lasting minutes, but one lasting an indeterminable amount of time... days...perhaps weeks. The rest of the battle is depicted in the second film of the trilogy. As they fall through darkness they fight...at one point we think they are reaching the bottom of the deep cavern but because in fantasy, Hollywood and spiritual reality...falling doesn't have to be a linear event, it isn't. The fight goes to outer worldly scenes and ends as the demon falls off a cliff on the top of a mountain. It appears to have taken many days as Gandalf lies exhausted in the snow...his victory being overshadowed by the the expenditure of energy both physically and mentally. If we have seen the movies we know that Gandalf appears later transformed and more powerful than ever.

One might think that increased light would battle the darkness and this is true. The nature of the light is key but equally so is the perception of the light by the depressed person. Words of encouragement, prayers and the hope of God's healing all bring light into the darkness of any situation. For a depressed person however it seems that the light is like dropping a torch into the vast chasm that Gandalf fell into. In little time it is swallowed up by the darkness. Deep inside however, the light can accumulate and grow, even though it is unseen. Again, the perceptions and beliefs of the depressed affect this, so can those offering support and help. There cannot be an expectation that words said or prayers offered will bring significant relief in a short period of time. The timing, God's timing for those of us who trust Him, is different for everyone. He is the only one who knows the inner workings of the deep chasm of despair for each unique individual He has created.

Our Heart <--> God's Heart

2010-10-02T18:03:00.003-04:00

Why do we do what we do in our worship, prayers and church services? Where are our hearts when we do these things? God certainly sees our hearts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He knows if our spirit is engaged with Him or not at any given moment. I know when I spend time in prayer I get easily distracted. It isn't uncommon for some concern to pop into my head, or I remember that I need to do something or call someone. I might think I need to leave by 9:00 so I can stop and get gas on my way to my 10:00 service at church and be early like I planned. Oooops...wasn't I just praying for my nieces and nephew? We all get distracted! But the question is...was our heart engaged with God's heart while we were praying, distraction or not? Or was I just praying for my nieces and nephew out of habit. I had to examine myself about my prayer time. I have been pretty much praying the same thing for them over the past 4 months or so. I wasn't asking God what He wanted me to pray for them. It wasn't that I wasn't engaged in sincere prayer and seeking God, it was that I wasn't seeking what God wanted for them. My engagement with God was at a certain level but not progressing deeper as it should. I was beginning to engage in what my Freedom 2 Class on Thursday evenings covered this last week. A "Religious Form".

The manual for the Freedom 2 class I am taking says “the degree to which our activity is based on our own judgment or program instead of humble, faith-filled, dependence on Jesus is the degree to which the activity becomes a religious form. It is action devoid of any real heart connection.”
The scripture used is 2 Timothy 3:1-5
1) But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2) For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3) heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4) treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5) having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

I was praying out of habit, not a bad thing really. I was feeling like it was alright to pray in the same way every time, with my personal concerns for the people in my life,not asking God about His desires for them. I was feeling somewhat guilty if something interfered with that prayer time and I didn't pray that day. It's not just prayers that can become a form of religion. A friend related that she found she sang praise and worship songs because she liked the music, not engaging her heart in actual praise and worship. How often do we sing on Sunday mornings, enjoying the music but our mind is far off on something else? Does it bother us that our heart isn't engaged with Jesus heart when we worship? It happens to me too.

Churches can get into "religious forms" as well. "We always sing 3 songs before we take an offering & then somebody reads scripture and someone else prays. You have a testimony? Well it'll have to wait until testimony Sunday in 3 weeks." Not that having an order of service is wrong, but are we engaging God in it? Do we consider God has something else for this Sunday morning a little bit different? I know some will be thinking about the liturgy in liturgical churches. What about all those written prayers and readings? Sure, it is easier for those to become religious forms than the personal prayers in most protestant churches. Anyone saying the liturgy and praying in a liturgical church can make those things come from their deep heart as offerings to Jesus, engaging Him fully. It isn't "what" we say or do that engages God, It is our heart, which no man can judge or see.

The Freedom 2 manuel is authored by Brian Brennt and Mike Riches

God in us

2010-09-25T22:28:00.006-04:00

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Do we know how God's glory is manifested in us? Not entirely. God is a mystery. We do know this begins when we confess the darkness that is in us, that causes us to sin and transgress God. We confess the darkness and the sin. We can hardly manifest God's glory if we don't give that part of ourselves up to Him. Since we are His creation the potential for glory is in all of us. He gives us a choice to follow His path to manifest it. Not that other paths don't bring out portions of the goodness and glory He has put there. If there is a portion of truth in them, then it will bear fruit. However, if you seek the truth...seek all the truth, not just a piece here and a part there. The glory of God being manifested in us...are we afraid of what that is? Is it too great a thing to have the power of the risen Lord Jesus flowing through us? I wonder sometimes at what I think I have been called to and I know I only see the tip of the ice berg.

Musings

2010-09-23T04:01:00.003-04:00

Being out of work sure has it's stresses, especially when there is no other income. But it also allows for a lot of time to reflect and work on issues. I had alters start to surface after things being fairly quiet for a number of years. It was very uncomfortable because the one that was the most present was one that carried a lot of anxiety. It got so bad I had to take ¼ of resperdol to control it one night and after that this alter submerged again. It has been very quiet since then, over a month ago. They were upset, they said they would be good, to not take the medicine. Oh yeah, I had gone off all my psych meds in May, after my last post. I have actually been doing pretty good without them. I have started using my lamp for the Seasonal Affective Disorder...when I remember.

My therapist had to go out of town for six weeks to be with family and during that time I met with my pastor. We have known each other for almost 20 years and she knows what is going on with me. We prayed about alters sabotaging the job process. That was one of her concerns. We prayed about ones inside who were in the “dungeon”. Angels took them to a new room and Jesus destroyed the “dungeon”. However this new place has gotten darker and the ones in it don't do anything. It's discouraging to see that this has not actually changed anything. I don't why it's like this but it is.

I've tried to press into what I believe Jesus is calling me to. I took the second part of a school of healing prayer at church a couple weekends ago. It was good but someone's testimony stirred up deep issues. I'd like to pursue healing prayer for them but both my pastor and therapist said now is not the time. The reason being that an alter might receive healing from it but there might be many more affected by the same issue and it would be better to achieve integration before attempting healing prayer.

I've really rambled here and I feel I really can't express what is going on with me, so forgive me for a lame post. I wish that I didn't take 3 steps back for every step forward. I put a lot of effort into it and I just want to give up right now.

Lost Job

2010-05-18T20:31:00.005-04:00

I lost my job last week. Along with a lot of other people in the country. I had started a new job and was excited about a better job at a better company at better pay. Who wouldn’t be excited? Along with it came new challenges. Everyone expects to be challenged learning a new job even if they are well-trained in the field. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse there were also challenges of learning to trust those around me and becoming familiar with the surroundings. It wasn’t an overt thing for me to mistrust my co-workers. I have learned to trust people at my workplace for the basic relationship a person needs to have to start working. But inside of me and I’m sure many other survivors, there is still the vigilance and wariness that seems to not quite go away. How did that affect me?

Looking back I know I was distracted as I would work on certain tasks in an area where there was a lot of people traffic. I know those people were working and they weren’t aware that it distracted me. I wasn’t totally distracted, just enough to cause me to miss some details, thus making a big mistake. Frustrating! Another thing that I see in hind sight is that when things slowed down at work, I would kind of go into a mode where I wasn’t as alert. Maybe I was a bit dissociative, not quite there. Kind of like when your computer goes into the screensaver mode. I don’t change “modes” very smoothly. I can be focused on a task and doing well and if I have to all of a sudden defocus (is that a word?) and refocus on something else, it doesn’t go smoothly. I lose where I stopped on the first task and I don’t quite get what someone might be telling me to start with. I usually have had to ask them to repeat the beginning of what they were saying.

At my last job things went smoother because I knew the job and the people. There weren’t people trying to teach me new stuff all the time. My training was also different. I had been hired to be in one department, not to learn all departments like I was at the new place. So I trained in one department for a month before they decided they wanted me to learn another department as a backup person. After a year I started training in other departments as the employer’s needs changed. That worked well. The new place was busier. I had thought since it was a small company that the work pace wouldn’t be too bad. I tend to work at a slower pace, I knew better than to look for work at a high volume company.

Survivors, are you relating? Have you had enough healing to be able to work but still find these kinds of things cause you problems? I didn’t notice them when I had a job that I knew. I wanted a better job and thought I could do it. With more time to train I know I can do it. The employer didn’t think so. Now I have to work on these problems or I will have them again when I finally get another job. What things do you have to compensate for in your life? I’d be interested in knowing.

Christian Life and Recovery: The 12 Steps

2010-05-01T09:18:00.004-04:00

Romans 7:15 - 20
"15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

Step 1 of the 12 Steps can be found in verse 18… "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” Step 1 says: "We admitted we were powerless over our lives” (ongoing behaviour in which we overeat, smoke, use the Internetto the neglect of other responsibilities, view pornography, exercise, engage in escapism in TV, gaming or books, drugs, alcohol…you fill in the blank)

I went to Jesus at 14 because I knew I was powerless over sin and its effects in my life. I confessed that sin and accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour. When I was being overwhelmed by depression and the effects of my past, I came to Jesus knowing that I was powerless over my memories, emotions and my responses to other people. He guided me to people who could counsel and pray for me.

Step 5 “Admitted to god, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”. James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

I began to seek counsel and prayer for my depression and the emotional upheaval abuse had caused in my life, that is when I began to heal.

When you come for prayer you are confessing to someone and to Jesus a need, a weakness, a sin….when something keeps coming up, something that you run to instead of to God or learning the skills to deal with an issue appropriately…you might be addicted.

Step 3 “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God” Luke 9:23 & 24 "And he said to all, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.'"

I had to make a commitment to follow Jesus to obtain further healing and to grow into the person He created me to be. Going to a 12 step group showed me areas of my life I needed to turn over to God and practice Biblical teaching. I needed to make some amends with family members. So I followed through. That is Steps 8 & 9. “made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them” and “made direct amends to people wherever possible”
Scripture relating to these steps is Matt. 5: 23 & 24

“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

Quiet Times

2010-03-08T05:51:00.004-05:00

Sometimes it is difficult to know where God is in relation to where I am at. Life can be so busy that I have a hard time seeing Him in my daily activities. I like to sit down in the evening and have a quiet time. During this time I don't play music or read scripture regularly although I may precede this time with worship music or scripture. It is a time to be quiet. It's like sitting down with a friend and having a quiet conversation. To start, I let the concerns of the day fall away as I lift them up to Jesus. Sometimes I am tired or sad or angry. I just tell Him about it. Often I feel distracted but I don't get all worried about it because Jesus sometimes speaks to me in those times I see as not being focused on Him.

During one of my quiet times I was thinking about the county fair and all the rides and vendors which are certainly distractions. Jesus interjected himself into this scene. I saw Him sitting on the stage looking at me. When He saw I was looking at Him, He waved. My wandering thoughts on the fair took on a whole new meaning. The fair is like my life. There are a lot of “rides”. The family ride, the work ride, the school ride, the entertainment ride etc. Many of those are necessary but not all. There are a lot of vendors wanting me to try this food or play this game. Above it all Jesus was standing looking over me and waiting for me. He wanted to be my “main attraction”. I had asked for His presence and made time for Him and even though I wasn't so focused on Him in my mind, my spirit was expectant and I had made the time to spend with Him. He showed up in the midst of my thoughts and showed Himself to me.

For those who have been wounded and are recovering, quiet times can reveal more of the chaos within. I know some who play music or watch TV just to have noise to cover the chaos. Unfortunately they don't allow Jesus to cut through the chaos and give them what they need. Allowing yourself to be quiet and wait for Jesus is one more healing exercise. I don't always have revealing pictures, usually its a time to give my day over and rest in Him. When I don't take time to be quiet I tend to feel more frazzled and disconnected from myself and from God. Taking time out to spend with my Creator, Saviour and Healer is essential for me to continue to heal and walk closely with Him.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Loving Ourselves

2010-02-14T17:51:00.005-05:00

St. Valentine's Day has become a day to express love toward each other, especially romantic love. Families give cards, candy and gifts to each other. The retailers have encouraged us to give more and more expensive gifts like jewelry and electronics.

The original Valentine who the day was named after got into trouble with the Romans for marrying couples. The Romans had banned marriage at that time because they needed men for the military and married men were exempt. He was arrested and eventually martyred for his Christian beliefs. While he became a saint due to his faith and martyrdom and not for any reason related to romantic love, it's a connection that his perceived violation by the Romans was about love and marriage.

Many who are survivors of sexual, physical, emotional abuse and those who are suffering physical and mental illnesses feel unloved. Whether we experienced unloving words and actions from others or feel like suffering from illness, a hole in our spirit develops that needs filled. Sometimes we fully participate in making the hole bigger. The negative self-talk that allow to go through our minds, addictive behaviors, isolation from others and generally seeing ourselves as less than others contributes to hole digging. I don't think most of us realize what we are doing to ourselves when we engage in these things. It isn't enough that we have been wounded or hurt in our spirit, soul or body...we then go and make it worse! The enemy likes to pick on the weak. If our suffering can be considered a place for weakness to develop then the enemy is taking his shots. He makes available a “shovel” for us to start enlarging that hole. Satan is like one of those civil engineers who stands around looking at the hole in the ground that he planned to put there while we go driving by at 10 mph through the “destruction” zone.

What can we do to promote healing of the hole in our spirits? The first thing would be to reach out to a God that took onto himself all of our pain, suffering, abuse and illness on the cross. Yes, we can wonder why He didn't intervene in our personal suffering or the suffering of the world. The thing is He did, but not in the way we would have if we were in His position. He created us with a certain amount of resiliency. Some have more, some have less. However He left us needing a little more than what we have....or a lot more. That gap, the hole, needs to be filled by Him. That can happen in many different ways.

Spiritually we need His supernatural healing and filling of love. Following Him and His words are essential to fully receiving that. Spiritual growth can be promoted through bible study, listening to and singing worship music, prayer, receiving prayer, etc. This can not be done in isolation however! Other believers are necessary for spiritual growth.

We need people. Not just to be around people although sometimes that helps, but being around people that support us and care about us. We need to be touched in healthy ways. While many survivors of sexual abuse may be afraid of touch, it has healing benefits. Allow a hand on the shoulder or a quick squeeze of the hand. Sharing our burden; the fears, the hopes, the hurt, the anger. Don't let it become a volcano inside of you!

Other activities might include journaling, drawing, watching a favorite movie, going to a concert, going to the zoo, taking a bubble bath, lighting a fragrant candle, buying fresh flowers, watching children on the playground at a park, wrapping up in a blanket on a cold night, walking or exercising....the list can go on. What are things you do to love yourself? Leave a comment!

Deuteronomy 10:17-19
For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt.

DWJD - Do What Jesus Did

2009-12-20T21:53:00.006-05:00

The Miracle of Christmas is just about upon us. The celebration of the birth of one who would change the world. His birth was not heeded by the locals in Bethlehem at the time. It was announced by angels to lowly shepherds in the fields in the middle of the night. Jesus was born in a barn in modern day terms. We ask people who are uncouth if they were born in a barn...not as a complement! How low can you go?

In the day, the Jewish people anticipated the coming of their Messiah. Simeon was an old man who anticipated Christ's coming. The Holy Spirit spoke to him when Jesus was brought to the temple at 8 days old, that this was the Christ, sent by God. (Luke 2:22-32) No fanfare started, Mary, Joseph and Jesus weren't brought to a place of honor or given a palace fit for a king. They went home after presenting Jesus at the temple and probably wondered at Simeon's declaration.

Skip a few years to the time of Jesus' ministry here on earth. The Bible is filled with instances of Him healing the sick. Not just the sniffles, He healed the blind beggar, he healed the paralytic, He healed the outcast leper, He delivered more than one demon possessed person, He raised a young girl and Lazarus from the dead. He cared, He had compassion....on the lowly. At that time and place in history men didn't approach women who weren't family. Women were second class citizens, much like most of the Mid-east is today. He approached and spoke to the Samaritan women at the well, forgave and rescued an accused prostitute and granted healing to a sickly women who reached out for Him. He had compassion on over 5000 people who followed him so he fed them with 3 small loaves of bread and 2 fish. If He can raise people from the dead, He surely can multiply food!

The amazing thing is, that Jesus himself said we will do greater works than His! John 14:12 ESV says: "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father".

So caring for the lowly is just the beginning. It starts with compassion. If you find you don't care about the poor, the sick, the single mom with 3 kids, the janitor at your work place, prisoners, the annoying neighbor, the abusive family member and the list can go on and on. What if you don't care about some of these I mentioned? Not that caring is something you switch on, certainly we absolutely have to see some people through the eye's of Christ to care. What if you thought about the fact that in caring, you glorify God? In having the faith to pray for someone's healing you are glorifying God. Scripture says that the servant (us) will never be greater than the master (Jesus). So even though we may be praying, laying on hands, giving out of our abundance, it is truly the resurrection power of Jesus that is doing the work.

Wow...what a thought, that God would flow through us to reach the unreached! What a challenge to live into that scripture that we would do greater miracles than Jesus! How humbling that is! I think to myself, what do I need to do or be to walk into that? I need to go before the Lord and ask Him to teach me and touch me and then be quiet and listen.

Thankful Giving

2009-12-12T06:50:00.002-05:00

During this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas so many of us are very busy with holiday preparations, getting ready for colder weather and for students, taking exams and coming home to mom and dad. We know this is a time for being thankful and for giving gifts. Some of us put some thought into being thankful beyond the holiday designated for it. We will be giving and receiving gifts soon. Do we think of expressing our love in gift giving beyond Christmas? Do we think of it as a way of expressing love at all?

I like to think of this time as a chance to get back to habits of giving and being thankful the whole year. So much centers around gifts. People spend enormous amounts of money giving expensive gifts and lots of them. My family has not done so. We keep it simple. The kids have made candy, with supervision of course. Good thing we don’t live in Idaho. The law states that any gift of candy has to be in boxes of 50 lbs. or more! I’m sure the local candy magnate had something to do with that! What we most enjoy is time with each other. It’s always an adventure to see who tells the goofiest story, who gets my sister wound up and if we can keep dad from telling the same story he’s told the last 30 years or so.

For most people it’s easy to be thankful for family and friends. For others it’s a stretch to be thankful for certain family members, the critical boss or rude neighbor. Often we tolerate those particular family members at holiday gatherings and spend our time with those whose company we enjoy. We simply try to stay out of that bosses way and ignore the neighbors. For abuse victims the holiday brings new stressors; perhaps bad memories or time alone away from festivities that the perpetrators are attending. For me it is a mix. I am tired and spend time looking for gifts, even for my perpetrator who is a family member.

I forget about the reason for the season too. Jesus. He came in just about the lowliest of circumstances a baby could arrive in. He understands the “lowly”. Those who are alone, tired, poor and depressed. Don’t forget to include them in your “thankful giving”. Being aware of the world around us includes those who may be at the fringe of our social circle. I have a neighbor who is 94 years old and still lives independently except for the help of family. She really enjoys a visit especially since one close friend and neighbor passed away and another one moved across town to a small apartment. I plan on stopping in a couple times for a chat even though I am busy. What about the aloof person at work or church who is on the edge of conversations, but not quite participating? Do you know their story? I was that person for many years. I longed for someone to reach out and be interested in me. I look for the person sitting alone at lunch or during the church service to say hello and introduce myself. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time to make a difference to them. I haven’t mentioned giving to a charity or to a family out of work. Many others cover those choices. The point is to express love to someone in need, whether it is time, money or a gift.

Secrets Revealed

2009-11-10T21:11:00.000-05:00

I’ve related my story about being sexually abused by my father and grandfather, my road to recovery and different topics that sexual abuse survivors struggle with. I am about to reveal further abuse that I have not mentioned, but perhaps alluded to. I was also ritually abused by members of the occult. I am not sure who all abused me; many of the faces are a blur. I am certain that my grandmother who babysat me was the main instigator. I will describe a few things in some detail so there will be some information that might trigger other survivors.

I was adopted at one month old by my parents who had been married 7 years and had no other children at the time. I remember some things happening at a very young age that may or may not have been a part of the ritual abuse. Other memories are distinct and clear. I don’t think my parents were involved or if they even had a hint that something could be wrong.

***possible trigger***

In all but one of these memories I was naked and indoors in a dark windowless place. Often the adults were naked or in dark robes. The one memory I distinctly recall being in a church sanctuary. It was the church my family and grandmother attended at the time.

I remember being dressed in a white dress, like a bride. I was led down the aisle like in a wedding. There was blood all over me and on the dress. I don’t know if that happened before or after. I was being married to Satan. It was a process and I totally didn’t understand it. Out of fear I did what I was told. The other thing I remember distinctly but I am not sure if it was at the same time or a different time. I was holding a knife over a baby and someone had their hand around mine. I don’t actually remember the baby being killed. I know that part of the memory is still blocked because it is too horrible for me to remember right now. That one was in the church too. I remember the term “Mass of Blood” being used. They made me drink blood too.

That’s about all I can handle for now. Just know that I have had a great deal of healing and am strong enough to tell my story in order to defeat the darkness.

Unhappy Halloween

2009-10-31T23:10:00.001-04:00

***This post may be triggering as it relates the truth about halloween***

Halloween has certainly become a day that many people celebrate by decorating, dressing up in costume and having parties. It second only to Christmas in its commercialization. Unlike Christmas, if the commercialization were stripped away, people would be running away. I won’t go into the origins of the day. We know it is pagan. Over time for the anti-Christians, Satanists, it became a day of high celebration. After most of the pagans converted to Christianity, the few who resisted went “underground” so to speak. Being an anti-Christian or Satanist would have been a certain death sentence for a person if they were found out. If it were not for the fact that many innocents died in the witch-hunts, it would have been appropriate. Halloween was and still is celebrated with animal and human sacrifices. Yes, still. There is a lot of denial about this. Supposedly humanity has gotten past that, we are more civilized. That is a falsehood. Who decides what is “civilized” anyway? If society is drawing away from Christian morals and principles then where is it going?

The attitudes of freedom, self-love and a general focus on the individual are prevalent in our culture. Not bad things at all, but like many good things the extreme expression of them is out of balance and causes more harm than good. People want to experiment spiritually. They are not grounded in a faith; they have lost confidence in the church and organized religion. People want to get “high” on life, with out drugs. Some choose something far more sinister than drugs. The occult masks itself with games, with feel-good mantras and an “innocent” costume party. It has become a part of out culture to accept these things with little reservation.

Very few people want to think of human sacrifice as the end game of their party. The dabbling in the occult on halloween just gives more power to the “dark side”. As a Christian, I see no reason to celebrate. The church created All Saints Day (All Hallow’s Day, November 1st) to replace the autumn pagan celebration. For churches to have kid’s costume parties as a halloween alternative is still celebrating halloween! It is giving credence to the satanists that there is a credible reason to celebrate.

The halloween alternative should be a day of worship, warfare and prayer. Pray for the innocents who will lose their lives and for those whose lives will not be taken but stolen. Pray they will be found out. Pray that as the next day dawns that we will celebrate life and begin the job of rescuing the victims of the night before.

Lightning in the Dark by buffalopine

2009-10-12T19:09:00.001-04:00

I have had difficulty this past month coming up with a topic to blog on. I finally asked my twitter friend, buffalopine, to help me out! We had discussed flashbacks so that ended up being the topic. I have not experienced flashbacks for some time now however buffalpine has them frequently and I thought she would be able to write on this topic better than I could at this time. Warning! The content of this post may be triggering!

In 1991, I started into therapy and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & MPD. The flashbacks of abuse had been there as far back as I could remember, but I never knew what they were. I never understood what it is that I was “seeing.” Little did I know that what I was seeing, was what had happened to me. And as I continued through the first year of therapy, I thought I surely must be about done with having any new flashbacks. Yet, almost nineteen years later, I am still hit by newly uncovered flashbacks, often.
And the flashbacks come like lightning in the night. Blinding, searing; one right after the other, they come in a storm of memories. They flash across my memories, illuminating places long hidden in darkness. People I don’t even know , lurk in the flashbacks. I still have no idea who some of the abusers were, even though I see them clearly.
Usually daily, sometimes all day long, and other times- fewer and farther apart, flashbacks play out like a horrible movie before my eyes. Never knowing when they will flash across my mind’s eye, there is no preparing for them. They come at any moment, any place. Sometimes, flashbacks last just a quick moment or two. I try to shake them off, and forget about them again. Other times, I find myself paralyzed by the terror they bring. Unable to shake them off, I feel chained to them. It’s the long lasting flashbacks I can’t shake free from that have the biggest impact on me. All I can do is sit there, reliving the abuse as real as it was during the abuse. Like 3-D memories of mind, body and heart, they play out before me, despite my trying to shut them out. They take on a life of their own. Then, I just get too weak to fight them off. Other times, it doesn’t even occur to me to try and stop them. That is when I feel like I’m in the middle of a stampede.
It has always felt like each uncovered flashback has chiseled away another piece of my heart; another piece of who I am. It’s like being hit so hard, it takes my breathe away. Yet, I have learned over the years, that also, for each newly unveiled flashback, I am being handed another piece of the missing puzzle of my life. It will fill in why I react a certain way, why I feel certain ways. It will fill in more missing pieces of all the time I have lost over a lifetime. Each flashback is like a voice of what I endured, revealing it’s self to me.
Buffalpines blog can be found at: http://buffalopine.wordpress.com

Screaming to get Out

2009-08-30T22:35:00.002-04:00

"Inside this body is a skinny girl screaming 2 get out। I usually shut her up w/ a cookie।"

Someone tweeted this on Twitter a few days ago and I thought it was hysterical. The more I thought about the reality of it for me the less funny it became. I suspect it is true for many people at one level or another. I know it is true for those of us at my 12-step group. We have in the past or are currently covering up our inner pain on a regular basis with something. This is a loose definition of an addiction. For me it is food. The cookie is pretty literal for me since I do love chocolate chip cookies and have dough on hand to make a few whenever I “need” to. For others it may be drugs or alcohol, both of which are considered less socially acceptable than just about anything else. There is a real physical addiction in these cases that needs medical intervention.

What else can people use to shut out the pain and neglect personal growth and responsibility? The Internet is the newest thing. We feel we connect with people with anonymity and it is safer. It may be that but it doesn’t replace working through the pain with a real live person. Thrill-seeking and adrenaline addictions are also recent. Usually this is found more in young people, especially boys and men. Many times this involves reckless and dangerous behavior that can cause physical harm or even death. Shopping, busyness, self image issues, dependant relationships, sex, pornography, gambling, cutting oneself, anorexia, bulimia, achievement and approval seeking plus more that I cannot think of right now. All these behaviors can be used to cover up inner pain. For those of us who are Christians, continuing in these behaviors demonstrates a lack of trust in God with the pain.

Many of us recognize these things as a part of our personal self-soothing behaviors. So what is wrong with indulging now and then? The big question and answer is: What are you fixing by this behavior? NOTHING. In fact these behaviors cause health problems, financial problems, relationship problems, more pain and disappointment.

It’s time to look at the pain. You can’t do it alone. As a sexual abuse survivor I needed help. I was able to see a therapist who does understand my issues and knows me. I also attend a Christian 12 step group that is general in nature. I have people who support me and who will listen to me when I need to talk. These people are helping me to work through the issues of the past, the problems they cause me now, and encourage me to be stronger and stronger. Certainly for me Jesus Christ and His healing power has been at the very core of all my healing.

"Out of the Miry Clay" by Linda Fossen

2009-08-16T22:31:00.003-04:00

Linda is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse by her father who became a pastor during her childhood but never changed his abusive behavior. Her story is told in her book, “Out of the Miry Clay”. Her abuse began at an early age and progressed as it often does from touching and playing to outright rape and sodomy. Linda describes herself as a “daddy’s girl” much like I was as a little girl. Her father took advantage of the admiration and love from his daughter to satisfy his growing curiosity and perversion. Even his salvation and subsequent stint at a bible college in Canada as a student did not change his behavior toward Linda.

Linda often admired the families of other children who seemed to have loving, caring bonds in them. She longed for her father to treat her with the tenderness and respect that should exist in a father-daughter relationship. Finally the sexual abuse stopped when her father sodomized her and she responded by telling him to never, never do that again. He threatened her with hell fire and demonstrated it by holding her face close to the open fire of the furnace. He continued to use fear to manipulate her into silence for many years.

Linda’s father often did street evangelism and she and the family would join him in witnessing. Her father also visited the jail and one time he took her with him to meet a young inmate who had really turned his life over to Jesus. Gary witnessed to his fellow inmates and in many cases held their respect because he was one of them. She was attracted to Gary’s enthusiasm and continued to visit him regularly. In time, Gary proposed to Linda and she accepted. Her father and mother totally disapproved of the marriage. Linda’s father sabotaged Gary’s early release by sending a letter to the governor that Gary had threatened him. This was not true. Gary and Linda were eventually married but they had to wait 15 more years to live together as man and wife.

In the mean time Linda worked and commuted to see Gary every week. At one point when Gary was very ill and hospitalized, she was not contacted officially. She went to the hospital only to find out she could not see him. She returned the next day having received special permission to see Gary. All through this time Gary and Linda continued to seek God, grow in Christ and grow together.

Gary was released from prison and had difficulty finding a job. He also had poor health due to the lack of basic health and dental care in the penal system. Linda had risen up in her career and was doing well. At a point Linda sustained a neck injury while lifting while on the job. After doctors, x-rays and MRI’s there was no definite diagnosis. Linda knew there was something wrong. A chiropractor suggested a physician who took films at an angle different than the norm and diagnosed Linda right away. He performed surgery on her neck. She was still in pain and she and Gary traveled to a Benny Hinn crusade to seek prayer and healing. There were other physical problems and over time there were more prayers for healing and God responded. God began to speak to Linda’s deep heart about her abuse, despair and feelings of low self worth. She began to see a therapist at the insistence of her doctor. She grew to trust him and he helped her through the pain, anger and sadness from the abuse. She forgave her father and told Jesus she was done trying to change her father into the person she always wanted him to be.

She and Gary confronted her father, who had little to say for himself. He was mostly worried that they would tell others and his reputation would be ruined.

Linda realized that indeed Jesus had made her whole and had made her for a purpose. She took her journal entries and created the book, “Out of the Miry Clay.” She has a website www.LindaFossen.com where her book can be ordered.

Justice

2009-08-02T19:33:00.004-04:00

What kind of topic is justice for a blog by a sexual abuse survivor? Rarely do adult survivors of sexual abuse get legal justice. The hassles of memory from childhood being questioned, evidence is gone if it ever existed, and the overwhelming stress of going through a trial is too much for many survivors. Most of the perpetrators are free and living a good life. Where is the justice?

In the online Merrimen-Webster dictionary there are several definitions for the word justice, all of them closely related. The one I liked was “the quality of being just, impartial or fair” another was “…the assignment of merited rewards or punishments”. It is linked with the word righteous with one meaning being “arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality”. Okay, step away from the dictionary and come back to reality. In the real world we know all is not fair and people are not rewarded or punished as merited.

At another level, deeper than many of us dare to search out, there is justice. I’m not tormenting my readers, honestly. This is the justice of overcoming, being survivors and being victors over the wounds that were left. I can say that I would not be a survivor or victor if the love of Jesus had not invaded my wounded heart. This would not have happened if I had not searched for it and if I had not found people who listened to God and prayed for me. God lead me to these Christians who obeyed Him and did not hide their heads in the sand when it came to people’s brokenness. I certainly was broken. I certainly felt broken from the abuse, but I knew there was an answer somewhere. After much time being prayed for, listened to and listening for the Holy Spirit of truth I began to overcome. It wasn’t without pain however I had the strength only God can give to journey through it.

Many would say, “where was God when you were being abused?” That is a good question that needs to be answered before receiving the healing from Jesus. It is okay to be angry with God; He is bigger than all our anger. He was hanging on a cross while we were being abused. He had been set up, accused of sedition in the Roman led government. He then suffered beatings, lashings with a whip imbedded with bits of sharp iron, had his beard pulled out and a crown of thorns pushed down on his head. Then there was the crucifixion. He was naked, supporting his weight on his hands and feet that had been immobilized by nails buried in his wrists and feet. All he had done was present news of salvation from His Father, healed people and forgave them. All this is to point out that Jesus took the ultimate “merited punishment” of our wrongdoing as well as our abusers. This so we can have the “unmerited reward” or justice of the offer of life with Him forever. He lets humankind follow the path that started with the disobedience of Adam and Eve and eventually will end when Jesus returns. However He did not leave us to suffer unimaginably for the fruits of that disobedience.

Healing Journey

2009-06-07T21:46:00.003-04:00

Over the past 20 years I’ve had a lot of healing. It’s been about 28 years since I realized that I had been sexually abused. It took several years after that to pin down more of the facts and to find a counselor who not only could counsel sexual abuse victims but also understood and knew how to heal some of the spiritual aspects of my abuse. As a Christian, I believe Jesus Christ is the source of power for healing. The spiritual aspects of my abuse were anything but Christian. Other family members besides my parents perpetrated these acts against me. Where does a small child find a safe place in all of that? Part of me remained that “small child” until I could find a safe place and Jesus could touch me. People often go to God looking for an instant miracle of healing. I have yet to meet anyone who has had an instant miracle of healing for abuse. There is often a lightening of the burden, revelations of truth, a touch from Jesus but the entire thing is not lifted all at once.

Abuse that happens as a small child often shapes coping mechanisms, relationship patterns, attitudes about self and others that are not healthy and take time to remold and to relearn healthy ones. My healing has not been accomplished without the help of loving people. There was the counselor who recommended I go to a particular church for healing prayer. I followed through on that recommendation and started receiving prayer almost every week for about 2 years. God had heard my prayers for help over several years before that. I knew something was wrong, but I knew I wasn’t crazy. The psychiatrist was treating me with anti-depressants, major tranquilizers and anti-anxiety meds as well as pills to deal with the side effects of those meds. What a mess! It was difficult to even know what I was feeling or thinking being on all those pills. My counselor at the time asked the doc for a “medication vacation”. The intent was to take me off all those meds for several months and then see what I really needed. That is when the memories started popping up, flashbacks of incidents and emotions. Not long afterward my counselor made the recommendation that I call the church for prayer. I linked up with a couple of prayer counselors who I will never forget. They accepted me and prayed with me and listened to everything I had to say. I wasn’t afraid to reveal my thoughts that I felt were “crazy”. These people were not there to evaluate me or medicate me. They were safe. They were able to reach that “small child” within that was holding so much fear. They did require that I seek professional help, which I was already involved in. One of these women finished her degree and became a professional counselor and she is now my therapist.
My healing journey isn’t over yet; I still see the counselor and take some medication. I can listen to Jesus and ask Him for more revelation and more healing in my life. The gift of healing I received from God and the willingness of Christians to offer life to the suffering are jewels in my life that I will never forget.

Serenity

2009-05-31T22:23:00.002-04:00

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever and ever in the next.”

This is the Serenity prayer, adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, in its entirety. The first part is said at many 12-step groups. It is basic, asking for attributes we need daily in our family, work, school and incidental relationships with others. Just want is serenity? We think of the word serene. We think of peace. The Merriam-Webster website: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/serene defines “serene” as “clear and free of storms or unpleasant change.” Serenity is the state of being serene, the state of being free and clear of storms. The fruit of the spirit involved in serenity are peace of course but also patience and trusting God. We don’t let people interfere with our peace. That can be about impossible in our own strength.
Then comes the courage, how can we confront another person about their displeasing behavior? A friend recently tried watching a playoff game with a family member who was always deriding the referee and the players. My friend suggested that the family member be a little more moderate but it wasn’t well received. My friend decided that it would be better to watch the game in another room and occasionally went in and talked with the family member to stay connected. He had the courage to speak up about the negativity. But then he had to come up with another way to avoid it but still maintain the relationship with the family member.
Wisdom…wow…Godly wisdom at that. That’s a prayer we can all pray whether we’re in recovery or not. Wisdom to know the difference between what we can change and what (or who) we can’t. We can only change ourselves and even then significant change happens only with God’s power. Thankfully we have a God who is for us and not against us. He is willing to move in our behalf and give us everything we need. Not always everything we think we need, what He knows we need.

The 3 Colors of Love – Fruit of the Spirit

2009-05-17T21:27:00.002-04:00

For survivors of abuse, cultivating healthy attributes and understanding the true meaning of love can be difficult. Hopefully my posts on love and the dimensions in the model presented in “The 3 Colors of Love” will be helpful.

Christian Schwarz, the author of the book has taken the Fruit of the Spirit and through study of scripture connected them with one or more of the three dimensions of love; grace, truth or justice.

Patience, goodness and peace are associated with justice. Peace, faithfulness, self-control and joy are connected with truth. Joy, gentleness, kindness and patience are components of grace.

What is the biblical definition of patience? How was it understood in the culture and language of Jesus’ day? Fortunately the book goes into this and I want to explain some of those things here.

Patience “…contemplates a persistence that is not easily put off by unfavorable circumstances. It is based on the patience of God, which never gives up on anyone.” “…it works toward seeing God’s will become reality.” “…it has an eye for the right timing.” “People who display patience are able to combine determination and mercy.”

Joy – “rejoicing love” is a “happiness that is based on the ‘joy of the Lord” and is therefore independent of the situation you happen to be in.” “it’s more of a ‘happiness in’ than a ‘happiness about.’” The Greek term for joy is closely related to the Greek term for grace.

Peace is “both the state of being reconciled with God and one’s wholeness in all aspects of life, from which peace with others flows.” Peace is a component of justice and truth.

Faithfulness or “reliable love” can also be called trustworthiness. We earn the title of being trustworthy. Faithfulness is a “relational term, it is concerned with commitments toward other people. It is unfaithful to not to use the gifts God has given us.”(Luke 19:20-22)

Goodness: The biblical definition versus the impression we in modern America have of goodness surprised me the most. It means, “…striving for the standards that God has defined as good. It is an attitude of opposition to all forms of evil – in our own lives as well as others.” See Jesus cleansing the temple in this?

Kindness or “amiable love” “can express itself through many simple details of life and relationships” such as paying attention, giving gifts, listening and remembering names. Kindness is found at the center of the dimension of grace.

Self-control: “The basic meaning of self-control is ‘having power over yourself.’” “It means sobriety, restraint and moderation in all areas of life.” It is related in Greek to the word for training. We know an athlete must have self-control or discipline in preparing for competition.

Gentleness “means the opposite of argumentative, self-righteous stubbornness.” “Gentle people don’t find it difficult to submit to God…” “They tend to be mild, tolerant and humbly disposed toward others.” See Jesus washing the disciples feet.

Are you thinking like me that some of these don’t sound much like yourself? I’m not very strong at the self-control bit. I just have to look at my waistline to know that! Do some kinda sound right but not entirely? I’m not quite sure I have kindness down. I tend to forget people’s names or go out of my way to pay attention to their needs. Not purposely, my mind is elsewhere. But I am a good listener when someone needs to talk. I ranked high on patience when I took the evaluation in the book. I do have determination and mercy. I guess someone has to have patience as a strong point. The book also gives some exercises to strengthen your weak points. I guess that’s another blog article for later.

“The 3 Colors of Love” by Christian Schwarz

2009-05-03T20:35:00.001-04:00

Love is a loaded subject for survivors of sexual abuse. We often are suspicious of love, having had that term used toward us and then the same person has perpetrated evil against us. This book looks at biblical love, not the love that the world displays or even the love most Christians think they are expressing. Often the verse saying, “speak the truth in love” is interpreted “love is speaking the truth”. This leads to some speaking the truth to someone in error but leaves that person feeling unloved and abandoned. Truth is one of the three dimensions of love, but it cannot be majored on to the exclusion of the other dimensions, grace and justice.

The Psalms use the 3 dimensions of love in the original Hebrew although those words are interpreted differently in translations. Here’s an example from the NIV:

Psalm 36:5-6
“Your love (grace, haesaed), O Lord reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness (truth, ‘aemunah) to the skies. Your righteousness (justice, sedaqah) is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep.”

Some of the difficulty in communicating the wholeness of love has to do with the difference in languages and cultures. Hebrew, a mid-eastern language and the culture found there communicating concepts to a Western oriented culture and language. In this case the United States and English.

Examples of noted individuals who demonstrated one of the 3 dimensions of love, grace, truth and justice are in the book in more detail.
Justice – Martin Luther King. The core value of justice is compassion. That is what spurs people to action, to make things “right”. The focus of justice is society, where changes can be made for the good of everyone.
Truth - Francis Schaeffer. The core value of truth is trustworthiness or faithfulness and the focus is on the Bible and reality. To be considered as trustworthy a person must interact with others, not just embrace the concept of truth.
Grace – Mother Teresa. The value at the core of grace is acceptance. While grace does not accept sin, it does accept the sinner. The focus then is on the individual. Acceptance goes beyond tolerance, it helps the individual grow and mature.
All three of these individuals were also criticized for shortcomings in the other areas of love. They weren’t perfect but they were truly leaders in the area of their strength.

I hope these concepts have you thinking about how you love others, even the unlovely. I know as a survivor I was pretty unlovely and I am so grateful to have been loved by people who embraced biblical love.

Emotional Pain

2009-04-26T22:03:00.002-04:00

Many survivors of abuse and sufferers of depression and anxiety experience inner emotional pain. Sometimes it is experienced as a pain in the stomach or chest that is not associated with any physical problem. Sometimes it is a pervasive feeling of being stressed or restless. It can develop in childhood as a result of neglect, verbal abuse or lack of nurturing. It is there because there is a need going unmet. Needs for safety and affirmation are two big ones.

Emotional pain can lead to some kind of addiction from serious problems like alcohol and drugs to less destructive ones like shopping or internet addictions. Even the more minor ones can have the effect of causing a person to neglect relationships, neglect responsibilities at home and work, or stagnate recovery and therapy efforts. People don’t like emotional pain any more than they like physical pain. So we try to cover it up. Physical pain means there is a problem that needs to be resolved. Sometimes it turns out to be something temporary like a headache or serious like a heart attack. The same goes for emotional pain; it means something is wrong. Too many people live with the emotional pain or develop an addiction to numb it.

Emotional pain can get to an intolerable level when we push it down and try to hide it. We need to express the anger or disappointment that has occurred over our life. As children it may not have been safe to express our feelings at all. We couldn’t show disappointment or anger or grief. It just didn’t go away, it went deep. Even after we grew up we kept up the pattern of hiding our feelings because it was the only thing we knew. Often we are afraid of what others will think of us if we do.

One thing that needs to happen at some point in the process of feeling the hidden pain is to forgive those who caused you to hide your feelings in the first place. That usually turns out to be parents. There may be other relatives or caretakers, coaches or teachers too. However, to continue to hold the feelings in isn’t going to help. I did an extended book review on “Wounded” by Terry Wardle. It can be found on my blog in previous posts. He talks about steps to healing that include releasing the emotions to God and then forgiveness. Jesus took all the hurts we experience on Himself at the cross. Those things were sins against God and us. It does us no good and does the abuser no harm for a person to continue to hold onto those feelings and not forgive.

Wounded, Chapters 9 & 10 Summary

2009-04-12T18:22:00.004-04:00

There are many tools people make use of when they pursue recovery from their wounds; Psychiatrists, therapists, medications, support groups, friends and prayer counselors among them. But the healing comes through once source…. Jesus Christ. He alone has paid the price to redeem all the abuse and neglect a person can experience. Therapy, even good therapy, cannot release a person from the wounds of the past. Often therapy begets more therapy, not true healing. Chapter 9 is on what is beyond doctors and therapists. Terry Wardle quotes this scripture: II Corinthians 3:17-18.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Being transformed….to look like Jesus. Wow. Looking back at my journey who would have ever thought I could reflect Jesus! This transformation comes as we submit to the Spirit of God. Reading scripture is one way to learn about whom God is and what He does for us and gives us. Doing a word study through http://www.biblegateway.com/ is a good way to find some of these things. Start with “encourage”, “love” or “unfailing” and go from there. The last part of the chapter goes through characteristics of God’s love toward us. It is full of compassion, merciful, unconditional, giving, and grace.

Chapter 10 is entitled “The bondage is broken, but beware”. While a person may have gained freedom and healing, the enemy hasn’t yet given up on trying to cause a person to resort to dysfunctional thought and behavior patterns. When I am stressed or dip into depression I will slip in those areas. We need to continue to be in the Bible, share our feelings with a trusted person, and seek to continue the transformation the Holy Spirit is doing in our life. People will fall because of their environment. They may be around those who supported the old dysfunctional behavior and pressure a person to go back to it. Sometimes the enemy applies pressure, tempting a person with continuous thoughts to drive them back into it.

Through the process of healing, Jesus is the key to each step even though the person infront of us may be a doctor, therapist or group leader. Drawing close to Him through it all is what will make the healing a permenant one. I give glory to God for my healing and continued transformation.

link to this post

"Wounded" by Terry Wardle - Chapter 8

2009-04-09T00:06:00.004-04:00

Many people desperately seek to console the feelings left by the wounds of their past. Whether it was sexual abuse or a withdrawal of love by a parent, the wound exists and has not healed. It may have been covered over by an addiction, perfectionism, approval seeking or any of a number of coping mechanisms. Ultimately when we crash, when the pain leaks through, we begin to look for “real” help.

A key help is prayer, an appeal to the God who created us. Not just in being the recipient of the prayers of others, but to engage in it ourselves. Jesus engaged in regular prayer to the Father. He taught that whoever prays in His name would receive an answer. We have to remember that we as finite beings don’t always recognize the answer. The disciples also prayed and taught on prayer. James 5:16 – “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”.

Terry Wardle gives suggestions on how to pray, modeled on “The Lord’s Prayer”. First, he suggests focusing on Christ and His acts for us to begin. Then praises to follow. He lists names of God, attributes, and His roles as guides. Then agree with God on His will for your life and healing. Thank God for how he has worked in your life. We need to pray for our needs, then forgiveness, asking for it and granting it to those who hurt us. We also need to pray for protection from the enemy who would want us to continue in wounding and pain. Finally pray for others. Wardle recommends several books, among them “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil Anderson. Another focus of prayer is putting on the full armor of God found in Ephesians 6.

Another aspect of inner healing is intercessory prayer. The prayer of other Christians for you and your healing is essential. Then Wardle talks about prayer therapy. A trained counselor prays for insight from the Holy Spirit. Both of you wait in prayer for an impression or word from the Holy Spirit on how to proceed. It may be a particular event or feeling or dealing with the dysfunction that got you there. Anything. The counselee expresses their feelings in prayer to God and the counselor invites Jesus in to comfort. There is more to it than this, but it is basically what happens. The books, “Healing for Damaged Emotions” and “Healing of Memories” by David Seamonds is recommended as well as other works by Neil Anderson.

Walking in the truth means facing the truth of our past and the truth about ourselves. What we seek in prayer is that truth, particularly the truth that Jesus can transform our lives and heal us. He is with us each painful step of the way.

Link: http://bitly.com/l901vr

Thoughts

2009-04-01T07:08:00.001-04:00

I have looked long and hard at chapters 5 – 7 of "Wounded" by Terry Wardle. The three themes, approval seeking, fear of failure and shame are ones I can relate to very much. This post is about my thoughts on those topics.Approval-seeking....we all do some of that don't we? Getting good grades in school got us praise and sometimes a reward. When we helped extra around the house, mom or dad was pleased. Some of us though, it didn't matter what we did, it didn't work; "You could have done better..." or something to that effect. We responded to those words by doing it better. I did not have much in the negative reinforcement area. I just didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement. I was never the best. I was never in the "in" crowd at school. I didn't have friends among the nerds or jocks, bad kids or class clowns. So in some way it affects my behavior today. I want to be approved of and noticed. I don't want the reputation I had as a "weird" person or "maladjusted" as I was going through the worst of my depression in my recovery from abuse. So I hang around people that I want approval or recognition from. I try to act in a way to be approved of. Of course now that I am past the worst part of my emotional trauma and healing, it is easier to act appropriately. I don't seek approval as much as I did. Now I want the approval of fewer people and not for everything I do. The people who I want approval from are people who know me and know of my journey. They can call me out for acting immature or behaving in a way I should be past by now. Their opinion is important. I still need to get past some of this approval seeking. I am my own person now and am more confident in myself. I also know for myself if my performance at work is my best or if I slacked off a bit.Fear of failure. Back to the scenario at the beginning of the last paragraph. Lack of approval and sometimes the consequences can bring on a lot of anxiety, especially when being the best is highly approved of, even over love.Some individuals have to be the class valedictorian, have the straight A's, get the employee of the year award, get the bonus, get the choice office etc. Their very emotional stability counts on it! They may get theses rewards yet they never feel good about it. They are looking at the next project already. They may become workaholics, addicted to stimulants, coffee etc. I have more of a fear of success. Like I will get in over my head and then what will I do? Like I am afraid to move on, to do something new. I have sabotaged my efforts at school and at jobs. Not consciously though. I am better than I used to be, graduated from school 2 years ago with a 3.67.

Shame…wow, what a loaded word. For me, I often feel “less than” other people. I’m not quite “good” enough. My opinion doesn’t count. All lies. It goes back to the feeling that something must be wrong with me. I felt that often in my twenties before I really knew what was wrong. Of course it wasn’t what was wrong with me, it was what was wrong about what was done to me. When I came to that realization, it was freeing. I had done nothing wrong to deserve the sexual or emotional abuse. Still, I continue to have problems with shame although not nearly as much.

All of these symptoms and responses to my early wounds would never have subsided and been healed if it weren’t for Jesus Christ. As I sought Him and His healing, he responded. He led me to a place where people could administer His touch through prayer and support. Therapy had not helped me up to then. I was pretty desperate and lost. I found freedom in Christ and continue on a path of growth and healing to this day.

Book Review: Chapters 5-7 of "Wounded" by T. Wardle

2009-03-22T20:05:00.004-04:00

We all need acknowledgement and approval, but where do we seek it? Loneliness is rampant and is not just felt by those who are hermits and recluses but by people who are interacting with others all day long. The longing is for intimate relationship. We are designed to have those longings fulfilled by God. We long to belong, thus we fear rejection. We venture into school and we receive disapproval for not raising our hand, for flunking the spelling test, for not getting an A in World History. We fail to meet expectations, whether or not they are feasible or not. We can get a feeling of being “less than”. We try harder at school, on the sports team, at work, all in order to gain somebody’s approval, or to avoid disapproval. People choose to isolate themselves emotionally, not speaking of difficulties at all, putting on the contented face. They keep people at arms length. Others are always irritated, keeping people away. Some people put unrealistic expectations on others and when they fail, they feel rejected. The way out of this cycle is to first come to see themselves through the eyes of Christ, chosen, reconciled and restored. Next the Holy Spirit must be allowed to bring healing, to bring the hidden things into the light. Individuals need to express their feeling to a loving God. Thirdly, the person needs to battle the Deceiver, the one who lied to them in the first place about needing approval. We need to continue to renew our minds with scripture and the truth.

Along with seeking approval is the flip side of the coin, fear of failure. We were created in the image of God. What Adam and Eve were to do was reflect the nature of God, his uniqueness and glory. We know it didn’t end up that way. They disobeyed God and ran and hid, anticipating his disapproval. We need approval as well. Children are precious to God. The Bible warns against causing a child to sin. “…it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned..” (Matt. 18:1-6) Fathers are warned to not plant a seed of bitterness that would lead to discouragement. (Col. 4:21) People are taught that performance determines self-worth and failure means you are a failure. This is passed down from wounded parents to their children. Resulting behaviors of living with fear of failure can be self-cursing, self-punishment, evoking punishment from others, self-justification, fear of being found out, and fear of taking risks. The ultimate realization to be free of these is the truth of Christ, that He has redeemed us from all sin and failures!

Chapter seven continues on with the affects and mechanisms we use to handle our wounds with the phenomenon of shame. We often hide our wounds through one of the mechanisms previously listed and all because of shame. We don’t want anyone to know we are not fine, even though that is our usual response to the Sunday morning, “how are you?” Yeah right, quit lying to me! Wardle goes on to compare our Christian life to the four seasons. Winter is that time in our life where things don’t seem to go well. God is bringing things up in our life, including the wounds we have reacted to, yet keep hidden. He wants to prune them, like a tree would be in the late fall. All our broken branches and scraped bark stick out like a sore thumb. We are exposed. This is the transparency we fear and yet long for, in order to be healed. Satan wants us to be bound in shame, he wants us to hide our wounds and never go through a “winter”. In that way we are never truly free. Realizing this is a lie, and gripping the truth of God being a righteous father and master gardener is key for moving forward. Choosing someone, a friend, a pastor or counselor to trust in the process is next. Bringing our wounds into the light in other words. Old things (lies) will pass away.

Book Review: "Wounded" by Terry Wardle

2009-03-14T21:57:00.004-04:00

The first chapter is an overview of the author’s dive into depression and anxiety. He was teaching fulltime and pastoring an 800-member congregation in 1992. He began to experience feelings of anxiety and fear followed by panic attacks and finally a deep depression. He received a full physical and was found healthy other than his mental state. Arrangements were made for others to handle his duties at church and school. His physician who was also a friend would call often, pray and read scripture to him. He read in “Healing for Damaged Emotions” by David Seamands, that what he was experiencing were the symptoms of a deeper wounding. He spent a month in an inpatient program designed to get at those wounds and begin to heal. He found he had developed an elaborate coping mechanism to deal with these wounds; workaholism. Some other coping mechanisms are: people pleasing, performance and achievement, shopping and other addictions, eating disorders. Other symptoms can develop over time such as phobias, fear, panic, depression, rage, psychosis and neurosis.

In chapter two, Wardle gives his six steps to wholeness. Some of them might sound familiar. Step one is to admit something is wrong. He lists symptoms and coping mechanism, more than can be related here. Step two: Realize that apart from Jesus Christ, you can do nothing. Step three; realize that nothing is impossible with God. Step four is let the Holy Spirit be your guide. Step five; express your emotions before the Lord, He can handle it! Step six is to extend forgiveness.

Chapter three focuses on forgiveness. Wardle says to not move too quickly into forgiveness. The reason is that if we have not expressed the emotions before God before we forgive then we will need to forgive again. It’s not quite a true forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean to put off the process. First we need to forgive God for allowing the wounding to happen. Where was He? Why didn’t He protect me? He suggests then making a list of hurts and wounds. Not just those done to you but the ones where you have hurt others. Then a person needs to seek the Holy Spirit about going to make things right with whomever they injured in some way. This step sure challenges personal pride.

In chapter four, the deep longings that all human beings have are discussed. Underneath the surface desires, there are longings such as to be safe and secure, fellowship with God, to love and be loved and finding fulfillment. God provides for these longings because He created them to be deep within each one of us. Satan knows this and uses them to lie to us about how to satisfy these longings. People pursue money and power, approval, performance and replace true love with sexual pleasure. The solution is of course confessing our sin, accepting Jesus Christ and laying all these burdens and longings on Him. We find our significance in Him (Ephesians 2:10), We are accepted (John 15:15), We are secure (Romans8:1). Wardle goes on to elaborate on the lies that Satan uses to deceive us and urge us to use dysfunctional coping mechanisms instead of working through the issues with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Dealing with the Family

2009-03-08T20:52:00.001-04:00

One of the most difficult things for a survivor of abuse to deal with is the family of origin. How do you talk to someone who abused you or someone who didn’t protect you from it? Do you talk to them at all? I think it is different for everybody. For myself, I still see my father at family gatherings or when I go over to the house. He helped me buy a car last year. I never confronted him about the abuse. At one time about 20 years ago I had said something to my sister and mother. My niece was a toddler and I was concerned for her safety. My mother and sister went to my counselor and I had to find my own way down there. They vehemently denied that anything happened. My mom said she would have known if anything had happened. After that, every once in a while they’d ask me if I still believed that dad did anything to me. I would say no, I didn’t. I didn’t want to deal with all the fuss that would erupt if I had said yes. They no longer ask. Maybe that is a cop out, I don’t know. It’s not an issue my therapist presses me on. The main thing is I am safe now; he can’t hurt me. My nieces and nephew are older so he won’t hurt them.

One thing I have done over and over again is to forgive. I am finding layers of frustration and hurt where I have not forgiven my father and other offenders. Now that I am realizing this, I am forgiving. God certainly has given me what I need to do it. At first all I could pray was for God to make me willing to forgive. I couldn’t do it at that time, but I was willing to pray that I would become willing. Forgiving isn’t about the other person. It’s about letting go of them and giving them to God to deal with. It’s something you do for yourself. You are cutting off the chain that binds them to you and giving it to Jesus.

I guess in some ways I’m pretending that everything is “okay”. Because my family’s dysfunctions aren’t as visible as alcoholism or drug abuse, it’s easy to see them for short periods of time. We are pretty “normal” now. Still, at times my mom will say things like, “don’t tell anybody that” or something to the effect of keeping personal facts private. Well, if I had never talked about my feelings and try to find healing for my mental illness, I would not be this far along in my healing and walking with God. I’d probably be dead by now. At this time of my life I can see those comments like my mom has made as symptoms and as the “rules” of our dysfunctional family. I don’t have to go by those rules any more. The rule of “don’t tell anyone that” comes from a fear of rejection or of being judged. By telling I opened up, people accepted me, encouraged me, prayed for me, taught me and nurtured me in the things of God.

Will I ever put my real name to this blog? I don’t know. Right now I am afraid of the fallout if a family member reads this and recognizes me. I’m not ready to go that path.

Love and Trust

2009-03-01T19:35:00.003-05:00

Love can be scary to a survivor of abuse. The concept brings certain words to my mind like trust, emotion, care and concern, hope for the future, etc. This is the love of a friend.

Love implies a basic level of trust. You have to get to know someone to a particular degree. This kind of love is usually reciprocal to some extent. It’s hard to have a one-sided friendship. For survivors of abuse there is always caution. We want to protect ourselves from further hurt. Often our boundaries are not “normal”. We let people in who we shouldn’t and shut others out who we should trust. It takes some insight to see that kind of behavior in ourselves and then to change it. Trust is the most difficult thing and often is what keeps survivors from finding friends.

Emotion is usually there for our friends. Some people are more emotional than others. Having emotion is not a good guide as to who is a friend and who is not. Our emotions don’t always tell the truth. This goes for love for our kids and spouses/special friends. It could be why there is so much divorce; people don’t always “feel” love toward their spouse so they think it is over. I’m neither married and have never been nor do I have any children. I am remembering comments from my married friends about their husbands and children.

Wanting the best for others, care about how their health is, how school or the job is going for them, or if their relationship with God is going well are signs of care and concern. I know I have a genuine love when I think about these things in relationship to others in my life. It goes even deeper than that. Sometimes wanting the best for them may be seeing them go through pain and grief. Knowing what is best for friends recovering from abuse means they need to talk about those events and feel the pain and anger. I know what they are going through is necessary even though it is difficult. That’s when having a friend is important and being a friend is a privilege.

If you have someone in your life that is a survivor of abuse please realize that there is always some holding back. It will take longer than normal to develop the trust in order for that person to begin to reveal more of themselves to you. They will consider you a faithful friend when you accept them as they are, flaws and all and treat them normally. I know, I’ve experienced both acceptance and rejection when I have opened up. Rejection is devastating thus the reason so many of us hold back.

Love...From the Perspective of a Sexual Abuse Survivor

2009-02-23T07:17:00.001-05:00

Love encompasses so much more than we realize. Having a friend to talk to, caring about what happens to family members, hoping for the future with others in recovery. What would we do without the people around us who have shared their lives with us and with whom we have shared ours? God has placed those people in my life to minister caring, truth and life to me and me to them. I am cautious about who I share my story with. I have a hard time with people who seem intimidating. They may be tall, large physically or a little aggressive or invade my space by standing too close. I think we can all relate to that but especially survivors. It can take me back to when I was small and the adults around me were big by comparison.

Sexual abuse is not a demonstration of love! It comes from a sick and warped mindset. Unfortunately it contaminates the idea of love for the victims. As I see it, when my boundaries were violated, I lost trust and I lost my boundaries. I could no longer trust that I would be safe. As I grew older my ideas about sex were contaminated by the only experiences I had which could be seen as sexual. It created a fear in me about sex. Since I have never been married it’s not really an issue. But in reality it is. It is an area of my life that is not fully healed. I have had a lot of healing and probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for finding my church. There are a lot people there who listened to God and put their time into ministering to me. For this I am immensely grateful. I know there is more healing to come.

God loves me. That’s why He has seen fit to heal me. When I am lonely I can sit in my comfy chair and close my eyes and focus on Him. Sometimes I’ll wrap myself up in a blanket and visualize Him holding me. The hurt child in me responds to that. I grow stronger because He gives me strength. Sometimes that is the only time I relax. I can’t reject love because I would be rejecting the healing that comes from a relationship with God and others for that matter. His love is a part of me even more than my heart is. A heart can be replaced the love of Jesus in me cannot.

What's Holding Me Back?

2009-02-20T23:33:00.003-05:00

What’s holding me back? What’s holding you back? This was the topic question for my 12-step group last week. Since my surface addiction is overeating I have to start by asking myself why do I overeat? What is the purpose? I usually eat too much or go for sweets when I am stressed or anxious. I get stressed at work sometimes or it could be my relationships. We all have stress in our lives so what is the big deal with going for food? As a survivor of abuse, I am more sensitive to stress. I t is stressful to work on the issues stemming from the abuse. The whole experience amps up the stress level. So I am much closer to my stress threshold than if I had not been abused.

So the answer to the question why, begs another question. Why do I let myself get anxious or stressed out? There’s a statement, “Don’t sweat the small things.” Most of the things I get stressed about are small. The stupid printer at work decides to jam and I can’t fix it. A family member is making some bad decisions. Things that have some importance but aren’t worth getting stressed out and anxious over. It is a matter of being in control of my emotions or my emotions being in control of me. It’s not good to ignore the emotions or push them down, but I don’t want my emotions making my decisions for me. So my family member has made some bad decisions. I decided to support her and contact her. She asked my advice on some things and wants to continue getting together. I made a decision and didn’t just let myself feel helpless.

So why do I continue to be anxious and become overwhelmed? It is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in people close to me and a lack of trust in God. As a Christian, I know the scripture says,

“In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” Philippians 4:6 New American Standard Version

So how do I start to trust? I guess by stepping out and giving things over to God. Then waiting on Him and let Him take care of the problem. How is a person trustworthy? It is when they consistently do what they say they are going to do. It takes me many steps to come to a place where I trust a person. Trusting is something I need to intentionally practice. I can’t do it alone either; I need Jesus to remind me of my need. I need others to trust.

My Quiet Times

2009-02-15T20:04:00.004-05:00

I find I have the need to engage in regular quiet times, for several purposes. To make time to pray, read scripture and listen to God. Also it is a time of settling my thoughts, reflecting on what was important about my day and to check myself on what I did toward my goals or what I did to sabotage my progress. If I neglect taking this time then I find I am letting things go, getting in too much of a hurry.

Usually what I do first is just sit and relax. Just let go of the day’s concerns, sometimes it feels like the tension is draining right out of my body. I don’t have the TV on or any music. Many people like playing music in their quiet time. For me it is a distraction, it is no longer quiet. Often my concerns don’t just go away, but I start to express them to God. In doing this I am turning them over to His control. I am making Him aware (as if He didn’t already know!) how I feel and why I feel a certain way. Sometimes I don’t even know how I feel until I start praying these things.

I like to try to focus on Jesus and listen. I t is hard to listen in the quiet without being distracted. I don’t hear God’s voice often. One time I did however and it was a picture. I was at a fair and walking around all the noisy rides and shows and people all around. (does this mean my life is a circus?) I looked at the far end and on the stage was Jesus sitting and He was watching me. To me this said that in all the happenings of my day, with all the things and people I had to pay attention to, Jesus was still waiting for me to come and be with Him. So cool!
That picture has been a comfort to me when I feel alone or I feel like I have let God down by not paying attention to Him. He is ready when I am ready.

Need for Nurture

2009-02-06T20:58:00.004-05:00

Something that everyone has a need for is nurturing. We know that babies and children need nurturing. It is essential for normal development. It begins with the need to develop trust with caregivers. (Reference previous post) Research done in orphanages revealed the necessity for touch. Children who were not touched due to lack of understanding and lack of staff often did not grow and did not develop mentally and emotionally. This is called “failure to thrive”. We rarely find this level of neglect currently in this country and if it is found it makes the news.

When we think of nurturing we often get a picture of a mother holding a young child. Nurturing requires two people, one to nurture and one to do the nurturing.
Older children need nurtured differently than younger ones. Guidance, encouragement, and affirmation of who they are nurture the self-image of the child. Some people criticize the idea of developing a good self-image. They are confusing that with the feel-good-about-myself hype that doesn’t look realistically at strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities. Guidance should not be confused with being overly critical, either.

Nurturing is more than caring for a baby or young child. We need it through our life. As youngsters we receive it and shouldn’t be required to give it. As we grow up we give it and receive it. Often it is observed to be outward affection toward someone. We see kids hugging and holding hands, patting each other on the back. The intent is not what they would call nurture, but it is the same. They are gestures of support and camaraderie, often to say “good job” or “everything’s okay”.

For many survivors of abuse, there is a great need for comforting. Often when there is a crisis the feeling of “I want my mommy” come up. It usually isn’t thought of directly like that. People want “something” to help them feel better, to take away the anxiety. The danger here is that the “something” might be alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, business or anything. Since these things provide a temporary fix, the feeling of neediness comes back. It’s starting to sound like an addiction, which could develop. I tend to indulge in food as a way to ease the anxiety and pain.

So how do nurturing needs get met? I was nurtured in appropriate adult ways when I began my healing journey. I needed a lot of affirmation and received it from the two ladies who spent time praying and listening to me. I received a lot of safe hugs too. But some things I had to do myself. I would wrap up in a blanket and hold it tight around me to get that feeling of being held. I still need nurturing, as does any adult like having feelings of wanting to be held. Being single and living alone is also a challenge. People who are married or have someone special in their lives can receive some of that holding.

One thing I have learned that because I am a child of God is that He nurtures me. Scripture says He loves us and gives the account of Jesus’ life, ministry, death and resurrection. He has given us the Holy Spirit to commune with our spirits, to comfort and reveal the truth. He is always there, available for me when I start to have that crisis and feel overwhelmed. I still want human touch and I receive hugs at church and from family, but ultimately the feeling of needing held has to be assuaged by God.

**Nadya Suleman (mother of octuplets) said on the news just now that she “longed for a connection” with someone else. (She was an only child) So she surrounded herself with her children. Sounds like maybe a need for nurturing?

Trust

2009-01-31T21:49:00.011-05:00

Trust is a big issue for survivors of abuse. We all start by developing trust
in our parents or caregivers as helpless infants. We are fed and kept warm and dry. Not only that we connect with our caregivers. We often hear of the importance of eye contact especially while the child is feeding. These needs are met or a basic mistrust develops. In extreme cases we hear of the “failure to thrive”. This has happened in orphanages in third world countries when the infant or child has little human contact even though they are well fed and sheltered. Other stages of development have their trust challenges as well.
www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/erickson.shtml

When trust is violated, we respond. As adults we have an emotional reaction and we have a rush of thoughts as well. We feel frustrated, angry, and disappointed. We feel upset with ourselves for trusting and angry with the person who broke the trust. Children are violated by adults, people in a position of authority that they often depend on. It is certainly confusing and produces fear. This usually is overwhelming and the anger is downplayed or suppressed. That violation affects relationships for years to come.
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/trust_building/?nid=1210

Trust issues with others in different kinds of relationships are affected. I hesitate in my relationships because I’m not sure how trustworthy a person is. I distance myself even from good friends when I need to reach out. I calculate the risk of talking about my issues. Will someone even want to spend time with me if they think I am damaged? Will I get hurt again?

Trust for God is affected as well. Survivors ask God why, where was He and often reject God and religion. I still have problems trusting God. I grew up in an evangelical church and knew Jesus as my savior. So there is the conflict, having a relationship with God and yet having the biggest questions about His trustworthiness. The unique thing about Christ is that He can come into our memories of the abuse and take on the offense. Prayer for the specific memories and healing of emotions brings the supernatural power of God into the picture. This is the healing Jesus offers. It is spiritual but affects the emotions and memories. This doesn’t mean there is no need for professional help. It enhances counseling and touches the spiritual part of our being.

As for me, my trust in God is growing. I have made decisions to follow what he has asked me to do. Sometimes I have avoided those decisions. I have worried about my finances a lot through this. I was unable to work full-time for a lot of my adult life until recently. I had difficulty making ends meet. But looking back, God provided for me. He provided jobs, public assistance, and help through the generosity of family and friends. I didn’t need to worry about it, but I often did. I grew to trust him more for my physical needs as He met all my financial challenges. When God challenges me to move into a new area of healing, I don’t always respond right away. I hesitate. I have to think it through in my mind instead of seeking what He wants in my spirit. It’s that mistrust. I’m still learning to listen to God’s voice and trust Him more in my life.

Search of myself

2009-01-25T19:35:00.006-05:00

Today in my 12-step group we took a look at step 4. “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”. Now what exactly is that? It involves taking an honest look at myself, knowing myself and listing those qualities good and bad. First, make a list of strengths and positive qualities. For me, I know I am a compassionate person. I care about the struggles other people are going through. I like to support ways of alleviating people’s problems, like volunteering for a free lunch program or tutoring an inner city child. I am a thoughtful person. I do not do or say something off the top of my head very often.

There’s also the other part of the list, the one of my deficient qualities. This is where that honesty part becomes important. We tend to not be quite so honest with our weaknesses. This is something I will have to spend some time on and really pray for God to bring these things to mind. I feel what I have been dealing with lately, the anger and hurts in my past, fit into this category.

That’s my short list. This process takes longer than a couple hours. I plan on praying and asking God to bring things to me for my inventory.

One individual in the group did this step previously and found that he tended to be passive. He often let people take advantage of him and did not express his opinion on things. He took an assertiveness class and became comfortable with setting boundaries and expressing himself. So it’s not just about making the list, it’s about dealing with the weaknesses and embracing our strengths.

For the sake of review, the first three steps are:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our past and that our lives had become

unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to

sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood

Him.

Dealing with past hurts

2009-01-23T03:17:00.004-05:00

In the past few weeks I’ve been looking closely at my anger and what it traces back to. Sometimes I can identify events and people at the root of what I am angry about at a certain time. I remember feeling more hurt at the time than angry. I never really got to the point of feeling angry. I would feel “frustrated” or “bewildered”, but not what I called angry. Of course frustration is anger. That’s what I have to pay attention to now so I don’t drag my anger out five, ten, thirty years. So what do I do when I discover I’m still angry about an event? Sometimes it’s something I rarely think about. If I’m not thinking about it then I really don’t realize how angry I am, until I have an anger fit triggered while I do think about it. I realized if I was that angry, I needed to forgive someone. So that’s what I have started doing. Granted, those people may not deserve forgiveness, but it is about my health, not them. Even if I weren’t trying to follow God, forgiving would be in my best interest. God says in scripture to forgive those we hold something against, even to the point He won’t forgive us if we don’t. Kinda scary in a way although I know God will bring to mind anything I need to forgive, like He’s doing now. I am seeking to resolve the anger issue and I’ve asked God to help me. He’s honoring my request because I am trying to follow scripture to forgive. Many people don’t realize they hurt themselves by not forgiving. I hope that I can grow closer to the Father and Jesus as I follow the word of God.

Forgiving doesn’t mean no more anger. It means we are letting go of that event and person’s hold on our mind and emotions. For me it means offering that person up to Christ to do with what He would do. Forgiving these past hurts by people is a process. I have to forgive today and maybe I find that tomorrow I’ve taken it back up so I have to forgive again. But each time I let go more and more. Small things like if someone cuts in front of me real close going down the road is simple. It happens, I am angry, I let it go. It’s not that significant. But betrayal, verbal abuse, any abuse etc. Those can really go deep and take some time to deal with.

Some other things I have done to deal with past hurts is to journal, draw, write poetry, do picture journaling, and talk to someone about it. I have my therapist and my pastor to talk to. I attend a 12-step group where I can talk about some of my issues. I had the two ladies who prayed with me for a number of years. I guess I just scratched the surface of what I have done to actively deal with the hurts in my past. I’ve had to do them multiple times in order to progress to this point in my healing journey. I certainly wouldn’t have made it this far if I hadn’t started to forgive. I hope I can keep doing this. Often I start something and lose steam fast and it goes by the wayside. I can only hope and ask God to keep reminding me.

Managing Stress

2009-01-18T19:59:00.003-05:00

Ever have a stressful day where you couldn’t walk away from what was stressing you out? I had a day like that today. I was the only one working today so it was all up to me. Never mind this is the first time I’ve worked this shift alone. I couldn’t get some instruments to pass QC (quality control) no matter what I tried. Fortunately we have two of those instruments so it should work on the other one. Nope. Didn’t work on that one either. Time to scream and pull my hair out. I was crying several different times during the day and had a couple of my ‘anger fits”. I called a co-worker who was familiar with this instrument and another one I had trouble with. She told me to make up new reagents, new quality control solution etc. and try it again one at a time. Still didn’t work. Then I had two tests to do on one small analyzer we have so I had to QC it but just for those two tests. I ended up crashing the probe. It’s the little robotic arm that comes down and sucks the patient’s serum up out of the tube. Well, I ordered the QC in the wrong position on the rack. That meant that the lid was on that solution because I didn’t need it but the probe came down and there was the lid, sooooooo crash! I just about sat on the floor and went into the fetal position. I looked in the operation manual to find out how to take the probe off, but I was so stressed I couldn’t understand what I was looking at. I left a note for the morning person. Fortunately the tests weren’t crucial.

So now that I am home and trying to destress, I am thinking what could I have done better. I did make some decisions that were difficult. I had gotten to a point where I was having difficulty thinking. I stuck with it. So that was good. I did call and get some help over the phone, which was good too. I let the lab operations manager know about the QC problem and she told me what to do with the tests that needed to be run today. So I did work it out. But the crying and anger fits, I sure don’t need to do that. Kinda dramatic even though no one else was around. I know I tend to cry when I get overwhelmed. I guess I feel helpless at those times. It doesn’t happen at work too often. So how do I not get overly emotional when I am in these situations? I’m not really sure. I know sometimes I feel these things but I keep on working and doing what I am supposed to be doing. It doesn’t totally interfere with my functioning. I sure approached that limit today. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it. I’ll write about it again when I have a clue.

"It's Not What Happened To You...

2009-01-15T22:36:00.003-05:00

... it’s what you do with what happened.”
I spotted this in my Christians in Recovery meeting room. It is certainly true. For the first 30 years of my life I didn’t know what to do with “it”. I didn’t even know what “it” was. I’ve certainly come a long way.

Growing up I did not feel like I quite fit in. Something was “wrong”. I didn’t know what. I had suppressed the memories and emotions and became depressed. As I got older I was desperate to feel better. What I was doing with what happened to me was hurting me, but I didn’t realize it. I didn’t know what happened. As I started to remember, I had more control over how I handled those events, however I didn’t know that I could handle it differently. Even if I did know, I didn’t have any idea of how to handle it differently. I had to learn. Someone had to teach me. That’s what the two ladies at church did.

They affirmed me every week. They encouraged me to journal and draw. Often I would journal a prayer or a response to scripture I had read. Sometimes I was desperate or angry or fearful and I wrote about those emotions. I had a real need to be nurtured. They did some of that too. However, being an adult and these faithful ladies weren’t my mother, I had to have that need met another way. We prayed that Jesus would send a female angel (if there was such a thing) and hold me, in my imagination. We prayed that Jesus would give me the sense of being nurtured and held. It wasn’t quite the same as being held by a real person, but it helped meet some of those longings.

Because of the spiritual effects of the abuse I really didn’t trust God, I didn’t want to fully give myself over to Him. I wanted control, but since I had pretty much kept the control all along, it was going to be difficult. In trying to control my life, I messed up quite a bit. I had difficulty holding down a job and I was depressed and often suicidal. I needed healing from Jesus in order to become a more functional person and to fully overcome my past. I went up for prayer almost every Sunday after the service and went to healing services. Over time, I began to wake up, have hope and handle anxiety and fear better.

I still deal with the anger, fear, depression and anxiety but a lot less than years ago. I am responsible for seeking the help I need, establishing good self-care habits, and working on those residual effects of the abuse. I don’t let those things make me dysfunctional at work or in my relationships. I’ll have to put down in black and white the things I’ve learned and how I handle some of the things I’m still working on. Just more material for my “pen”.

Anger...what to do with it

2009-01-12T19:21:00.003-05:00

Anger. That yucko emotion I could do without, at least the way I experience it. I don’t usually have much anger when something happens to me. But it must simmer inside because at a much later time I will think of it and all of a sudden have what I call an anger fit. I never have them with other people around, came close a few times. Usually when other people are around I am engaged with them and not thinking about those things. Sometimes I have them if I see something on TV that is unfair. It seems to have something to do with something not being fair. Not a little thing, something significant. I have had them even if I imagine something that hasn’t really happened that is unfair.
I lost a job a year and half ago because my manager thought I was going to do something she had said not to do. But I wasn’t going to do it. It was what she thought, not based on fact. I had been upset at the time, however I never really thought a lot about it. Yesterday I was thinking about it and I went into a full-blown anger fit. I prayed and forgave her and asked God to forgive me. But when I was writing an email to my therapist about it, I had another anger fit, less intense though.

In the middle of writing this, I had a discussion with a friend about what happened. She said with my history of abuse, there probably was a lot of emotions, including anger, stirring around inside. I tend to feel anger at vulnerable times, not necessarily when an event happens. I tend to feel this anger as rage, not just anger. I guess I call anger feeling perturbed, frustrated, annoyed or something along that line. I wonder if I really have forgiven my former manager. My friend explained if the anger had been inside for so long, then the unforgiveness could be lurking inside as well.

It’s not that anger is wrong, quite the opposite. But internalizing it, allowing it to come out as rage, that is wrong. The forgiveness is necessary. Otherwise the anger continues to stir around inside and turn into rage. It doesn’t mean the person who hurt me didn’t do anything wrong or that I would allow them to do it again. Forgiving them is more about me than them. It frees me from anger and rage. I can let go and not let the anger and rage control me. It would be like allowing the offender to control me if I did not forgive. That’s the last thing I want.

I think that God is using this dysfunctional process of mine to bring things up that I need to deal with. I did forgive, but it doesn’t seem to be finished. So I need to keep forgiving. I need to keep asking for forgiveness when I have one of these episodes. I have to reach out to Jesus when I have one. He understands my pain. He was unjustly accused and died. He suffered more than a lost job. So I think he understands.

A New Beginning

2009-01-09T20:35:00.004-05:00

The most significant part of my healing began when I contacted a church that had been recommended to me for prayer counseling. My therapist had suggested it. She got married and moved away from the area so I needed to find another therapist as well. Whether its called prayer counseling or healing prayer, it had a significant impact on my life. I had filled out the survey, which had questions about involvement in spiritual groups, the occult etc. There were also questions about childhood, family, illnesses etc. At this point I had no memory of my father actually doing anything to me, just the memory of my grandfather, and a few with no person I could identify.

I met with two ladies in a Sunday school classroom. I came pretty desperate for a way out of the depression I constantly felt. I wasn’t afraid to talk here. They weren’t going to put me in the hospital for being crazy. If they didn’t want me, if they thought I was beyond their help, they would tell me and I could say, at least I tried. But that didn’t happen. They prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to guide us and be present. They asked about the questions I answered on the survey about the abuse. I told them. I became very agitated and was upset. They didn’t seem too fazed by it. I dissociated and became like a young child. (so I was told) They talked to me, as a child, and comforted me. They prayed that the Holy Spirit would cleanse me of the abuse, the shame, fear and anxiety. They used water as a symbol of the cleansing. (it was holy water) I went away feeling safe, that I had found some people who believed me and weren’t about giving me another pill or putting me in the hospital or telling me my behavior was bad. I had tested them in a way, letting my feelings out and not holding back and they had passed. I still felt crazy, especially after dissociating like that. But I returned the next week and thereafter weekly.

I continued to dissociate just about every week. The two ladies who were praying for me took it all in stride. They explained what it was and why people do it. It seemed like a release for me to allow myself to “leave”. I would still become agitated and one time I ran toward the window and tried to punch it. Someone grabbed me and just held me. I immediately calmed down. I felt safe and secure, a feeling I didn’t even know I had never had. I fell asleep there in her arms. Every week we started with prayer that the Holy Spirit would guide us and protect us. We would listen quietly for the Holy Spirit to put memories, thoughts or words in our minds and then discuss and pray about what it meant.

They gave me a lot of practical ideas of what to do when I became anxious and overwhelmed at home or at work. I had a list that I kept taped inside the cupboard door. Watch TV, turn on music, call someone on the phone, take a walk, draw, read, and I could also call one of them if I needed to.

I began to have hope because someone else believed me and believed in me. This was different, it was new, and there was light at the end of the tunnel after all.

What is Dissociation? Go to these websites for more information.

For a definition and history of the concept go to:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation

Definition and support of those with Dissociative Disorders:
http://www.christiansurvivors.com/whatisdid.html

Definition and support:
http://www.multipletreasures.org/did.html

Gratitude

2009-01-07T19:13:00.003-05:00

The topic in my twelve-step group earlier this week was on gratitude. A friend had gone back over the past year month-by-month and noted who had been a friend, had helped her, encouraged her, taught her something etc. This gave me the idea. I thought further on it and decided that I would actually tell some people that I was grateful for them for something. Too often I don’t express my thanks and gratitude. I think it’s pretty common. When I am too focused on myself and my healing, it becomes all about me. I can become pretty negative as well. Gratitude requires some positive thinking and it also brings some focus onto others as well.

I can even be grateful to my parents for some things in my childhood. There were good things that happened, good memories. Not everyone has that, but I suspect that it can be blocked out by all the bad. It doesn’t absolve them of the wrongs committed against me, however it is true.

I think gratitude is essential for healing. It brings balance. It may not be easy especially in the early going. I know I didn’t think too much about being grateful, but I know I was... for the people who walked that early and rocky part of the journey with me.

Twenties Too

2009-01-04T19:22:00.003-05:00

I began to remember abusive incidences but not with my father. I went to a group for survivors at the local college campus. I would get flashbacks now and then and they would be traumatic but I couldn’t remember what they were about. It scared other people and of course I only had them around “safe” people. But they didn’t know what was going on and couldn’t help even though they were sympathetic. The difficulty continued. My doctor thought I had schizoaffective disorder, a diagnosis that is not in the DSM IV today. I was deeply depressed and I felt crazy with all the bits and pieces of memories floating around in my head. At one point my counselor asked my doc to give me a “vacation” from my meds. So I slowly went off them and I sure felt different. I had been pretty well dulled by the medication into not having much emotion for a number of years, so I was feeling a lot of things I hadn’t felt for years. I still felt crazy and mixed up but it was different. I had been athletic when I was younger and started being more active. It felt good and it was a good way to let out all the energy and emotion I had. I had to go back on some medication but less than before.

By my late twenties I was still living at home but was becoming more functional. I moved out during one summer and rented a room in an older lady’s home. I could cook and do laundry and watch TV if I wanted. Being out of my parents home triggered more memories of abuse and things became more connected for me. I started back to school to work on a graduate degree so I started having more problems with stress and anxiety. I was in the hospital three different times that year. I did not get my assistantship renewed.

I really prayed that God would heal me, show me what was wrong. I had been going to church all this time and some people were empathetic but they didn’t know what to do. One person told me depression was a sin because of all the negative thinking. I didn’t believe that but I knew I wasn’t going to get knowledgeable help there. I did not tell anyone that I had been sexually abused at that time. Later, I told the Assistant Pastors wife who was a trained counselor. She was someone I had gone to school with so she knew my family and me. Nothing was really said after that, I don’t think she believed me.

At this time I was without a counselor because the last one had gotten married and moved away. She had suggested to me to go to a healing ministry at a church in town. I kinda put it off, but as I started having more problems, I decided to pursue it. I went and at the first meeting I filled out a survey. They wanted to know my personal history. They also wanted me to get permission from my pastor for the counseling. That was no problem, he was empathetic to my situation and said he wished he could help more but did not have training to do so. (I did not tell him about the sexual abuse, just the depression) He was happy to know there was a church that was equipped to do it.

This became a turning point in my life. God was answering my prayer for help. I knew I wasn’t crazy but I couldn’t prove it and I was scared to tell the things that were coming up, figuring the counselors would think I was crazy and put me back in the hospital. So God was about to enter fully into my healing. I didn’t know what I was in for, but it was going to be quite a ride.

New Year's Goals

2009-01-01T23:05:00.002-05:00

It’s a new year… again. So what’s actually going to be new this year, different from last year? As far as my recovery…what goals can I set? I really don’t like resolutions; they are made to be broken. Goal is a better word…it implies a direction and a path. So where do I want to go?

I know I want to be more honest with myself and those who are helping me. Why do I do some of the things I do? Dealing with my emotions and overeating are two that I can think of right off. Looking at why I behave in certain ways is important to making progress with my healing. It’s kinda hard to change the behavior if I don’t know why I am doing it. So I need to dig under the surface. That might mean some discomfort. Can’t have surgery without experiencing pain and maybe re-experiencing the original wounding. I’ll need to enlist some support to get through those things. No least of all some prayer support from people who know me and know about healing.

Those are the things that bother me the most, so I guess they are the most obvious things to try to change. I’ll post updates as to how I am doing with these goals and if I think of any others. The journey goes on.

I checked the internet about setting goals and I found a lot of websites that offer stuff for sale. I found in wiki this list of suggestions: http://www.wikihow.com/Set-Goals
You can also try http://www.eHow.com/

Twenties

2008-12-31T21:07:00.003-05:00

There is much more to my story than the incidences of abuse I have related. There were other incidences that I don’t wish to get into right now. The main part of my story is my healing journey, but first there is the road to get there.

As I got older, into my college years, I became depressed and even suicidal. I was given medication and saw a counselor. I really didn’t remember the incidences of abuse. I remember sitting with my grandfather but not the touching. I remembered “reading” about abuse but not being able to find the article.
I managed to get through college with little problem even though I was suicidal at times and hospitalized. I did make a few serious attempts by overdosing. I dated a few guys and it went well, no triggering there although I had a deep but vague sense of being helpless. Twice I could have been engaged to a couple of great guys. Both times I stated that I wanted to finish school first. So I didn’t say no, but I didn’t exactly say yes either. I thought I was in love but looking back, I’m not so sure. I still don’t connect real well with people. As it turned out, I was pretty dysfunctional through my twenties and into my thirties. It would have been a lot to ask someone to live with that. It would have been stressful on the relationship, especially if we had children.

At one point while I was in college I began acting out the frustration and emotion that was locked up inside. I was making anonymous phone calls to a couple of people. Basically I was calling and hanging up. I did it quite frequently over a long period of time. I was caught and was arrested on phone harassment charges. The several years later I shoplifted a pen from a store and was caught and arrested again for theft. This would catch up to me later.

So I suspected the abuse but since I was on heavy medication I was pretty well dulled into just surviving my mental illness. Even with the meds and counseling I would get suicidal often. I was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. This went on all through my twenties. I could not work fulltime and had difficulty working part-time. I was not very independent. My parents would say things like I did not think like other people, as if this was a problem. The thing is I did not think like them. So I felt odd and as if no one wanted me around. Later I found out it was not the truth.

More School

2008-12-29T07:35:00.001-05:00

I began to get depressed as a young teen. Switching from elementary school to junior high was a big change. It is for all young teens. I was one of the “little kids” even though I wasn’t exactly a kid. I sure was a pest though. I pestered the upper classmen on the bus mercilessly, took a squirt gun to gym class and threw more spit wads. I got decent enough grades and I liked school, so there wasn’t much excitement. I did get sent to the principal’s office for making duck noises in Home Economics class. My mom made me take Home Ec, it sure wasn’t because I wanted to. Starting in eighth grade I would write notes to one of the upper classmen who was in my church youth group. I would complain about my parents being strict and about feeling depressed. It would catch up to me later. I took some minor overdoses in high school, not even enough to make me sick. I would take aspirin, maybe 8 or 10, and just feel blah and my ears would ring all day. I didn’t even stay home.
I wanted to play sports but my parents said no because we lived too far from the school. I eventually played in my junior year. My siblings and myself heard “no” a lot about requests to go to class parties or youth group special events. Not all the time, but it got to the point we were afraid to ask because we were certain we would not be allowed to go. Even when we were allowed to go, it was an exhausting process of getting the money and promising we would behave. My parents let up somewhat on the younger kids though.
We still got spanked even though we were teenagers when my parents thought we needed discipline. We got grounded too. From watching TV or riding our bikes or some kind of privilege. I did not misbehave a lot at home. I was the oldest so I would be in charge when my parent went away. My sister and brother ignored me and usually got into a fight. When mom and dad came home we all pretended everything went well. Except for the time there was a dent in the wall.
A few times when I was playing sports I would not remember what had just happened. I would be at one end of the basketball court and the next thing I knew I was at the other. I was dissociating even though I didn’t know that until later in my life.
So all through junior and high school I had a low level of depression and awareness that something was wrong. When I was a sophomore my friend ahead of me in school that I wrote notes to, took a note to the school counselor. My parents were called in and the school counselor talked to me. My parents were angry with me and told me not to tell anyone my problems because it was family business only. So I just shut down the feelings and ignored them. I got through high school with adequate grades, playing sports and wanting things to be normal, whatever that was.

Resources

2008-12-26T19:54:00.006-05:00

If you are a survivor of abuse or any traumatic experience in your life, I want to suggest a couple Internet resources. One is the website Christians in Recovery. It is a website with alot of resources for different topics people are recovering from. A person can become a member for $15 a month and take advantage of message boards and scheduled meetings. They encourage the use of the 12 steps which originated in Alcoholics Anonymous.
The second is the website for Theophostic Prayer Ministry. There is an explanation of what it is and how to contact someone in your area who is trained in this Christian healing type of prayer. The healing prayers I went through were very similar to this, that is why I am recommending it.

Christmas Thoughts

2008-12-24T08:53:00.002-05:00

This is a popular depiction of Jesus and his parents after his birth, known as a nativity scene. We see these displays in people’s homes, in front of churches and in public places (although less so now than in the past.) In our materialistic culture, we often forget His humble life on earth and focus on buying those gifts. It’s too easy to forget that the greatest gift ever given to any man, woman or child is Jesus Christ. We are so out of tune with our spiritual needs that we don’t feed our spirit with spiritual things. We try to fill that “hole” with things, with food, or even alcohol or drugs. Why do people develop addictions? When we have troubled lives, the hold inside gets even deeper. We need something or someone beyond ourselves, beyond the comforts and pleasures of life in our society.

Jesus literally saved me from my wounded life of desperation. I was suicidal and needed hope. I prayed for hope and I found hope. It certainly didn’t happen all at once, it’s a journey I’m still on. Not everyone who believes in Jesus knows how to deal with a wounded person. That is unfortunate, but the Kingdom of God is full of imperfect people. If I were perfect I wouldn’t need God. If I were perfect I would have no trouble at all forgiving my abusers and anyone who hurt me. But I’m not perfect. So it is difficult for me to forgive. If I believe in Jesus Christ and the Bible, I know it says to forgive. I have to pray more to even to want to forgive than praying forgiveness toward someone. It takes me awhile.

Hopefully someone out there will consider Jesus as a way out of the torment and desperation this season. I pray that God will hear the cries of that one’s heart and bring them to a safe and loving place to learn to heal.

Christmas's Past

2008-12-23T00:34:00.001-05:00

Christmas’s past have been good and not so good. When I was young it was the presents and toys and going to Grandma’s house for dinner with aunts, uncles and cousins. My dad used to come in on Christmas Eve dressed like Santa Claus. We knew it was him, but we weren’t quite sure. Early on it was fun.

We would have an advent wreath and light the candles each Sunday in December. We would read the Christmas story about Jesus’ birth and sing Christmas carols.
At some point my mom became stressed out with the Christmas season. She and my dad would stay up Christmas Eve wrapping all the presents. By this time my grandmother was elderly and didn’t have the family over so my mom would do the cooking. She would be so stressed that she would do the martyr thing. She would tell my dad he spent too much money on her. He really didn’t. He might have gotten her a robe or gardening book. So I came to be ambivalent about Christmas morning. Overall Christmas was still good most of the time.
When I got older my mom stopped saving all the wrapping till Christmas Eve and she was a lot more rested and pleasant. It had gone on quite a few years; I don’t know why it took so long to change.

In the recent past my mom has cut back the cooking. When my dad retired she declared she was retiring too. So Christmas dinner is a buffet with most of the food being contributed by the rest of the family.

Many survivors do not have good memories of Christmas. I am fortunate to have them. This means for me that I don’t have a great amount of distress at the holidays. For that, I am thankful.

School Days

2008-12-20T22:26:00.001-05:00

I was born in the early sixties in the Midwest. I was adopted when I was one month old. I don’t know my birth parents although I have thought about seeking them out. . My parents always told me I was adopted, so there was no shock or surprise. I am the oldest of four. My family all live in the area. Everyone shows up for holidays and the kid’s birthdays

Somewhere along in toddlerhood, my mother’s father and my father sexually abused me. I think I remember 4 different times at least. I believe most of my abuse happened before the age of six. I do remember something at about 7 and then about 10. I pretty much forgot those dark incidents in my life. They would come back to haunt me later.

I used to really bug my parents with things I would say. At one point I picked up saying the name, “sucker face”. I remember I was forbidden to say this. One time it was around Christmas and my dad was trying to pull apart the tangled cord of Christmas lights. I had said the “word” and was warned I would be spanked if I said it again. So I started saying it under my breath very quietly. I would get a little louder each time until of course my dad heard me. Being already frustrated with the tangled Christmas lights, he really let me have it. I really don’t remember the spanking, just that it was worth it in some odd, twisted way.

***Possible Triggering content***

I remember that one year we were on vacation. I was about 7 at the time. We had a pop-up camper. The table collapsed down and became a bed. My sister and I slept there. My dad slept beside me up on the pullout bed and my mom slept on the other side of the trailer. One night I awoke having had done number two in my pants. That had not happened in years since I was little. My parents shamed me in the morning and my mom cleaned me up like a baby. Later I remembered that during the night I had a “bad dream” about someone pushing something into me. I guess it wasn’t a dream.

The family moved as it grew into a bigger house. It was there I remember “reading” a story in a magazine I found in the bathroom about a dad who came into the girl’s bedroom at night and felt her chest and fondled her private parts. I looked for that magazine and years later I did a search for that article in the college library. I never found any references to sexual abuse in any popular magazine in the years that I could have “read” it.

***Okay***

In the meantime, I grew up in a middle class family in a middle class neighborhood. I had friends at school and spent time with them, playing and laughing and having fun. I did pretty well in school. I liked school. I did get into some petty trouble.
Trouble like spitting on a boy in the first grade. I think he deserved it although I don’t remember why. We both got sent to the principal’s office. We were shown the principal’s wooden paddle. I was so upset I broke my glasses.
In second or third grade I pretended I couldn’t see the board. (Remember I had glasses) My seat had gotten changed to the back of the classroom and I didn’t like it. So I got sent home. My mom was exasperated with me, but she didn’t yell. She just talked to me and wondered why I did these things.
In third grade I had some of those gunpowder caps someone gave me. I had a desk with a lid (still in the back of the room) and I put the caps in the corners where the lid comes down. I forgot and at some point I banged the lid down and you know what happened! I forget what happened to me. Probably got moved to the front of the room.
In fourth grade I was throwing spit wads with some boys and we all got an after school suspension. We sat and threw spit wads at the wastebasket and then had to pick up all the ones that missed, which was most of them. It was a lame punishment.

I don’t know if these incidents were my way of expressing the hidden emotions about what had happened in the past or if I was just a rambunctious child, probably some of both. I still like to joke around and tease a bit. I don’t throw spit wads anymore though. I’ll tell more of my story later. Just a little bit at a time.

The Beginning

2008-12-18T23:02:00.002-05:00

I decided to start a blog at the encouragement of a friend. My life is full of experiences, both good and bad. Hopefully I’ve learned some things along the way. So I want to share those experiences, how they have effected me, what I’ve learned and where I am going.

I was sexually and physically abused as a young child. I guess my main purpose for blogging is to share these incidents, how I responded to them, my thoughts and feelings about it all. Not least of all I want to discuss my healing and recovery.

My parents, who had been married seven years, adopted me at one month of age. I was followed by the birth of my sister when I was a year old. According to my mom I talked early and was a chatterbox. My sister eventually followed me around and to everything I said she would say, “me too”.
I challenged my parent’s authority as a toddler. I was told to do something, pick up my toys, come to the table, and I would just stand there looking at them. They would repeat themselves and then say that I would get spanked if I didn’t come. I often got spanked. Often it was done in anger. I remember being chased under the crib I slept in and being hit with a belt. I don’t clearly remember sexual abuse at this age. I remember being scared at night when I saw the shadow under the door stop. I think I “went away” when the door handle turned.

***Possible Triggering content to follow***

I remember my mother’s father fondling me when I was about three years hold. I was sitting on his lap and my mom left the room with my little sister to change her diaper. The TV was on and I was watching. I realized he was touching me but didn’t react, as I recall. Is that because it had happened before and I didn’t know it was wrong? Was I used to it? I don’t know. My grandfather died when I was six so I don’t have to see him. I always wonder if this happened to my mother as well.

One time when I was sick I was lying on the sofa. My mom left to go to the store after my dad came home from work. We only had one car then. My dad came into the room and sat beside me and fondled me. I was a little older than the incident before with my grandfather.

***Okay now***

As I write this I realize I am emotionally disconnected to those events. I know I had these memories come as flashbacks when I started healing. They were pretty bad. One time it was so bad that I bled for two days, like it was my menstrual period. I know I have always had trouble connecting emotionally to the incidents of abuse. Maybe I am feeling something. I suddenly feel a little worn out, like something inside is stirring. I need to take a break. I’ll post more later.