Path to Healing

Sometimes I wonder if I will change…. If I will heal. It seems that nothing really works. Perhaps it’s me. Maybe I don’t understand what it takes to heal. I know there is work involved. I get distracted or I am tired or I just don’t understand. I know God helps me. I just don’t know what path He really has for me. I don’t hear Him so well. I guess I don’t pay attention often enough.  I can find quiet on the outside. I live alone…sometimes it ‘s a little too quiet.  Inside is another matter. I think…a lot. It just happens, my brain just doesn't shut off.  Then there are the others of course. Sometimes the little conversations in my head are funny, sometimes sad, sometimes I hear the accusations and criticism, name-calling that bring me down.  I know God can and will meet me in the noise…He has before. Like anyone else pursuing a relationship with God through Jesus I need to make Him my best friend.  We read our friends emails and texts, we spend time with them, we care about them, we laugh and cry with them, share meals together and open our hearts and become transparent. Why can't we with Him who doesn't misinterpret us, forget to call us back or decides our hurts and pain aren't worth their time and prayers?

Someday I will give back the love and prayers that have been gifted to me. Someday I will be more like who God created me to be. Not sure that will be tomorrow or next week or next month. Hoping that time comes soon. Hoping that I can do the work I need to do.  Hoping I don’t lose hope.

A big part of healing for me… as a person who claims Christ as their Lord and Savior… is spending time doing what He did.  He knew scripture, every Jewish boy did. He had memorized the Torah and probably the other books in the Old Testament.  That is why in the wilderness he quoted it to Satan, who tempted Him.  Reading scripture and meditating on it help to lay new pathways in our brain to renew our thinking in a physical sense as well as spiritual.  I started by reading a chapter a day. I pray before reading, if something jumps out at me, I spend more time on it, praying about it and listening for what God has for me through it.

Quiet. Who gets quiet…really quiet?  I like the quiet but often my thoughts and concerns fill it.  I like to think that Jesus is sitting in the other chair. We just sit together, not necessarily talking or doing anything.  Just being…together. That helps quiet me.

I've already mentioned prayer in connection with other things.  I talk to God often in my day…making it a lifestyle thing, not something I insert into my schedule.  I pray driving to work, when I see busyness heading my way, at night, when I read about someone in need or think about my family.  I bare my soul to Him…He won’t criticize or misunderstand or lecture.

I don’t trust a lot of people and I admit, often I don’t think I trust God to the extent that He asks of me. However, He waits for me, He gives me what I need to encourage me…to give me hope of healing and for my future. He has set me on a path of His design and I often follow the rabbit trail or stop and crawl under a rock, thinking I can't go on.  I need to walk when He says walk, to listen when He speaks, to rest when He says I am done for now. I am listening more and more and am finding some peace in the chaos.