Sunday, January 27, 2013
Finding Trust Again
How does a person begin to trust again after betrayal? How are the fears about further betrayal allayed? Will there always be doubts? Who on earth can I trust? As a survivor of sexual and ritual abuse trust was torn at an early age…before the word meant anything at all…before language. What’s a child to do but forget?
After childhood most victims find safety. At least in part they find a comfort zone where relationships are safe at a certain level even if it is dysfunctional. Some find good people, have good relationships, good support and good counseling. What happens when in spite of this there is a betrayal that strikes deep, is bewildering and painful and continues to be so? Even the friends and those who support are suspect even though they are innocent in the betrayal. It goes deeper when others think that the betrayal needs to be put in the past, forgiveness offered and the betrayer let go over time. Those things only help so far….the mistrust goes deeper than they think. The pain goes deeper than they know…deeper than even I realized. How then is anyone trusted? What will spark the next betrayal? How do I know that the betrayal isn’t still going on behind my back? To avoid the betrayer would be to avoid the support, the friends and wisdom I still have. Because of mutual friends and relationships between the betrayer and myself…I can never be sure. As a survivor, someone who has difficulty managing my life…I’m the one who isn’t believed nor respected. How do I truly make my voice heard…that what I have to say has any substance worth considering? I can be told I am valued…but actions speak louder than words. No one acts as if they need me. Sometimes I wonder if I am wanted…if I would truly be missed if I wasn’t around.
I have considered what I may have done to hurt the other person and done and said what I felt was appropriate to make amends…no matter what I feel, no matter the mistrust. If there is anything else I am not aware of it. It might be appropriate to meet and explain the hurt and ask for explanation. There has to be some misunderstanding. But a meeting was denied…a long time ago. Perhaps I misunderstand…probably.
Back to trust and mistrust….and moving on. Moving on with some else to counsel. How do I even begin to trust another? I have no ideas. I barely trust the support I do have. I don’t feel I can be all that vulnerable. I don’t feel I can say everything that I am feeling…or even half sometimes. I know that sometimes I feel misunderstood when I do try to communicate and wish I had kept my mouth shut. No one betrays me yet I can see that my words are misunderstood…and if I am in the “victim” mode or simply tired and worn out…I just don’t try to keep explaining. It’s not worth it at those times. Those can be times I feel most alone…in a crowd when I can’t make myself heard or understood. When I try to be vulnerable I have to assess who is going to be listening….and what could happen….might happen. Whether it is a counselor or pastor or friend or support group why am I in that relationship. How am I contributing? How is it helping me grow? Or…is it another set up?God is the only one I can truly trust. The same goes for anyone really. Spouses can’t be and do all…neither can friends, pastors, counselors, life coach or the latest bible study phenom, spiritual guru, popular worship leader, retreat center facilitator etc. Yet I wonder why He allows certain things to happen, certain people to do what they do? It’s not His fault…with Him I have to look forward to hope. That He can and will bring me to trust Him more and also those who can guide me on my journey to wholeness. I have lots of questions but He has lots of answers.
Posted by sojourner at 4:18 PM