My heart
has been crying out, searching for elusive answers. God has been
guiding me even when I have made misguided decisions. I discovered an amazing truth about forgiveness...something that I should have known
but did not. I have been challenged to have joy but never quit knew
what it really was and how a person was supposed to “have it”
within suffering. God spoke to me that love comes first and that I
needed to truly know it and accept it before I could understand and
know joy...but perhaps not in that order.
Practical
living has been a struggle due to underemployment. At times I have
barely supported myself but others when larger bills loomed I had to
seek the help of family and church. In the past 2 weeks I sought
financial help from both and was turned down. I have been thrust out
of my comfort zone. No one “owes” me anything and I fully
respect what family members feel they need to do with their own
hard-earned dollars. My church seeks the good of a greater kind and
not just helping those of us in need pay bills. They have an
obligation to nurture me toward the big picture and listen to God to
guide them in decisions. My issue was one of vulnerability out of my
brokeness and wanting my needs met, not just financially but
relationally and emotionally as well.
This is where I was triggered.
In my hurt I spiraled downward...and felt convinced I needed to get
away. Far away. I was also facing 2 long days at work...very busy
days that at other times often left me exhausted and out of sorts and
saying the wrong things and making mistakes. I couldn't take the
pressure of all what was going on. Never mind that it was Halloween
week...never mind I had a body memory from abuse, the first in many
years. I was raw...vulnerable...in pain...confused and panicked. In
the past in this kind of situation and state I would pray for God to
take me home. Pray for it to be all over. This time what I wanted
more than that was to find an answer to free me from all this. I
decided that I was going to pack the car and go...and drive and keep
driving. Before I left I checked the Theophostic Prayer website for some names . I knew I needed ministry but felt I
couldn't get it where I was at.
Crazy idea
right? I scheduled an email to go out to some people who love me and
are praying for me for after I had left. I got about an hour from home and stopped to eat and make some phone calls. I left
a message for the first person I had written down from the prayer
website then got hold of the second person. She prayed for me. I
told her about my background and she was not only familiar with it
but had experience ministering to people with the same background. She
asked if I needed more ministry she was willing to meet the next day.
I was...I was desperate. I was
more than willing to make the drive. I like to
drive...driving is relaxing and I could have kept going. If I had not
been able to speak to any of the prayer counselors I would have kept
driving and ended up somewhere pretty far away.
I arrived
at the location we agreed upon which was her church. I went in
cautiously because there were people in there. They asked if I was
there to meet with this prayer counselor and guided me to where I
could wait. There was an intercessor there as well. We talked for a
few minutes while I explained why I was there and some of the
background of my abuse and healing up to that point. She asked me
if I was afraid and I said I was but that I was afraid anyway so I
wasn't going to let it stop me from going forward.
There was
some prayer regarding the background of a couple of my abusers. A
good part of it however was taking memories and the feelings
connected with them and praying about the false beliefs about myself,
God and others. Some of these memories were old memories but I had
never followed the thread back to beliefs or perhaps had never had
the emotions that went along with them. There was at least one
totally new memory that was an extension of another memory. I
switched a lot at first, being very nervous but then a couple alters
came out and talked. After about 3 and half hours we were done. I
still need more ministry but for that day I found some freedom and
some old things were broken and I had a glint of a concept of God's
love for me.
One truth
God spoke to me during this time stands out to me.
He told me
that every detail of how He made me is a part of the perfect package
for the destiny He intended for me.
Perfect.
No has ever called me that...the wounded little girl, the struggling
young adult, the mature woman with the painful mask...perfect. He
said it so it must be true.
I came home
that same day, quite exhausted but more than a little hopeful. I
worked the next day and that evening I tried to put things away I had
taken with me and spend some quiet time. I began to have some doubts
and the old feelings of hopelessness started to creep back in. I
starting praying and asked God to make His voice louder than anything
else going through my mind. I went to bed and woke up a few times
and I was okay. I woke up early and started playing worship music
and singing. I looked forward to worship and being with God's
people, my family.
God has
spoken much to me through this whole past week. He was with me on
the road, during the night, guiding my choices from the
website and the connections I needed to make. I called several
friends while on the road and their faithfulness to pray for me,
encourage me and offer me hope were beyond any value I could attempt
to assign.
I do have a destiny...I am loved the way I am...I was
created for a purpose...I am amazing because God is amazing!
