Friday, June 15, 2012
“My heart is racing fast and I am afraid of dying. I am trembling with fear, completely terrified. I wish I had wings like a dove, so I could fly far away and be at peace. I would go and live in some distant desert. I would quickly find shelter from howling winds and raging storms”
No matter the healing that has taken place,
the prayers I and others have prayed, declaring the intentions of the enemy null and void...I can't quite let go of the feeling of just not wanting to be here. The distress and chaos of the world just invades and I get confused and forget what I need to do and it doesn't matter. So much of this happens on my job where I am alone in trying to make things work for myself and do what I think is best or try to figure out what my boss needs or wants. I can only ask so many questions...especially when I can barely hear her answers. She told me we discussed something about a product...but I do not remember the conversation at all. Nada. Nothing. I said I didn't remember it but she did not remind me of what it was we discussed so I still don't know. When I am unsure at work and things get chaotic, no one trys to help me make sense of things...I am alone.
This reminds me of how often I am alone even when I try to reach out. I write better than I talk. I also know people are busy, have different schedules etc. so I email. It seems that the rate of response to my emails is about 10 percent. That is better than the what I had figured a few months ago as being around 3 or 4%. That is because I have made some new connections and those individuals reply about 50% of the time within 3 days or so.
I have issues with Father's Day too. My Dad...whoever he really is inside and not who he pretends to be and believes he is...sexually abused me, strong-armed all us kids and still insults us and thinks nothing of it. I know he was abused as well...not because he told us but because God revealed it to me. He deserves more grace than I can give him right now. He will receive it Sunday...but it will be hard on me to attempt to celebrate the pretend man he isn't.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I just wonder why I am sooooo distractable. It is so difficult to focus on one thing. What is nice about deciding to write for just a few minutes is that the tasks that distract me from writing are just a few minutes away and I shouldn't forget them and should still be able to either accomplish them or sit and think about them all for another hour or two. I am so inefficient. I have made lists and sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't. I read on Luminosity about how depression and ADHD can cause a person to not be able to sift through details and focus on what is most important at the time. How about adding DID to the mix and see how difficult it is to decide what is most important at the time!
Looking around me, the most important thing isn't cleaning my apartment very often. There is a lot of papers and mail on my table here. I throw out advertising a lot but other things I think I need but just don't know where to put it. Also...if it is out of sight it is out of mind so if I put it in a file, I forget I have it and if I remember I have it I don't know where I put it. It is a part of the chaos, the frustration and confusion that I want to escape. I can do some small things but it never seems to make a difference. I'm just not sure what “method” would make enough sense to me for me to keep it going. It seems to me that my outward inability to organize reflects my inner life. I don't know what is going on in there either...even though I spend more time on that than I do my environmental organization. I've been trying to have a quiet time for an hour now and have spent maybe 10 minutes praying at the most. I just can't stay focused.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I sat this morning and asked God for an image to post today...being Wordless and Worship Wednesday for bloggers. He gave me the word images "field" and "path". Here is one that jumped out at me this morning. What does this say to you? Post a response if you wish...I'll post mine later today or tomorrow.