Wednesday of Hope

This is Worship Wednesday and Wordless Wednesday so I have a great healing worship song followed by a photo...comment if you wish....

Mercyme - The Hurt and the Healer

My View

Wordless Wednesday...

I wondered about this picture...what it meant for me. On one hand I have quite a journey of healing ahead of me. There seem to be alot of mountains in front of me, hidden places that need exposed and looked at. But also it reminds me of an iceberg. We see only the 10% that is above the surface, 90% is underneath. There is much that is hidden in me that Jesus wants to look at, wants me to open up and allow Him in to heal.

Choose This Day...

So many struggles these past couple of months, so many prayers sent up. Many pleas for mercy and confession of my ongoing anger, fear, pride and so many other attitudes I justified. Prayers for protection, for answers to my questions, where to go and who to talk to and even to leave this life.

For as long as I remember I knew that Easter and the week preceding it, Holy Week, did not hold the heart-felt meaning for me that I knew it deserved...that I knew Jesus deserved. I remember that my singles group went a watched “The Passion of the Christ” when it came out. I was sitting in a theater with about 30 to 40 others, including almost 20 from my group and I think I was the only one not crying. I kept thinking that the visual of Jesus viscous beating should have me cringing but it did not. I wondered what was wrong with me. I knew Jesus suffering, his death and shedding of His innocent blood was my redemption from sin and that His glorious resurrection was the reason I would enjoy eternal life and not death. I accepted it as fact...but my heart could not, would not, feel it.

The anger, fear and anxiety I have felt over the last couple months with the withdrawal of counseling and it seemed to me, withdrawal of some support and friendships was agonizing. I knew I have had inordinate anger, destructive anger that left me feeling shame, devalued and puzzled. I have had memories but have not attached emotions with them until recently. A lot of confusion and exhaustion had me at a point that I could no longer think about why this happened or even how I felt about certain things. I became paranoid and I realized that paranoia was more the enemy of my soul than my alters. I had paranoid thoughts and I had to stop myself from thinking them and plea to God to take them away. I had to find something to do or listen to worship music to calm down. I knew that I had to confess my sin to Him. I would confess anger and rage, fear and anxiety, pride, manipulation, lying, helplessness and other things as I thought of them. I also had to rebuke any spirits associated with those things including a spirit of division, keeping my alters from communicating. I still have to keep confessing and rebuking. I have asked for these to be replaced by forgiveness, hope, joy, love, trust, and truth. 

As I approached this season I prayed that God would touch my heart with the meaning, with everything He intends for me, for all humankind in it. He said yes...boy did He say yes!

Tuesday was a day of reconciliation. Reconciliation requires a repentant heart, willingness to admit my sin, to make it right. Each person in attendance at the service is marked with ashes on the forehead as a symbol of sin. Then as prayers are offered up and quiet time follows with quiet music the pastors are available to wash the ashes off and pray forgiveness and blessings. There were prayer teams available for further prayer for healing. I had a deep sense that in spite of all the things I had said and done, even the things that I am sure I will do in the future (that was Tuesday and yes, I have already “screwed up”) that my sin has been covered by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Thursday we had a foot-washing service...remembering Jesus as the servant...just before He went to garden and was betrayed. In the quiet, during the music and during the prayers I sensed Jesus very close to me. He spoke to my heart and I was able to listen and not be distracted...much. He told me several things...more than several I guess. Among them was that I needed to deactivate my anonymous facebook account. I need to engage in more self-care. I can do that. I also will be backing off posting to this blog. I will post an Easter experience later and that will be it for a while. I will continue to write...I just will not post until I know it is okay. I can do this. He also asked me to take communion barefoot, as I did that night at the foot-washing service, for a year. It was a call to humility and to come under His holiness. Not sure all it means or the implications bu I can do that. I will just have to ignore the looks. People will figure it out soon enough and if they let it be a distraction to themselves...welcome to my distractable world! The final thing was a confession of death wishes and rebuking a spirit of death. I had never thought of doing that so I did. Later I met with my associate pastor who has walked this journey with me for over 20 years. We discussed a few things and then in prayer I confessed death again and rebuked it. 

 I drove the 2o minutes home and along the way I realized I was breathing easier. I took a deep breath and the air kept coming in...and it didn't end in a wheeze and a cough. My head felt less stressed...or oppressed. Wow....WOW! Yes, I've messed up, gotten angry and started to have the death thoughts again. But I won't let death back in...not a chance. Not now. Not ever. My heart is saddened because the enemy and darkness tries at this time to take life away, tries to negate the power of the resurrection. But they haven't had me any other year, not this year and not next year...Not.Ever. It's about life now...LIFE. Forever.  I may have had a target on my forehead before but now... the target is fighting back.