I started
to write a blog post on trust a little while back but it kind of ran
out of steam. It was more on mistrust and I wanted to find trust but
couldn't get there. There have been a number of things happen,
relationships that have gone awry, misunderstandings, revelations and
many unanswered questions. In the midst of it I sense a freedom from
expectations. Mostly my own expectations and what I thought others
expected of me.
I know that
as a victim and survivor of childhood sexual abuse that trust is no
longer a simple matter of looking at what a person deserves or earns.
I've heard a number of opinions ranging from what seems to be
advocating avoiding trust at all, making it a non-issue, to not
trusting anyone except one-self. The former seem to have found some
semblance of peace and healing which leads me to believe that they
have trusted but in their personal definition they don't call it
that. The latter seem to be angry and come across as justified in
staying there. They even attack those who state that trust is
essential to their own personal healing. Like...me. I rarely enter
these discussions anymore because when I do I am rarely understood.
Apparently...trust is a choice.
As a
survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse with Dissociative Identity Disorder
there is a constant battle to trust, who to trust, why trust, how
much to trust, what is trust, you trust but I won't trust, why did
you trust, how about we trust everyone, I don't think we should trust
anyone... There is no working definition of trust and what that looks
like. There are different kinds of relationships and what is the
appropriate trust level? What topics are okay and what aren't? How do
I know? Some things are obvious. No one at work knows about this blog
or anything related to it and that is the way it should be. They
think I am sensitive. That is fine with me.
Because of
the abuse there can be a lot of oppression. I am grateful to have
had the prayers and counsel of people to overcome much of it. I have
the tools to pray against any evil I recognize as coming against me.
But at many levels I don't fully recognize it. I am aware that it
exists for me. Because it the nature of the Holy Spirit-filled
people at my church to recognize it, I know I have their prayers as
well. At times the enemy has so latched onto an alter that I have
said and done things outside of my redeemed self. I know that there
are broken relationships there but only because I sense the
withdrawal of people. I don't actually know what I said or did. I
know there are people who “see” in the spiritual realm. I would
think it is as much a gift as it is a curse. But to those so gifted
I am sure they see it differently. The Holiness of God can come
through a person and it always amazes me. Because of my oppression I
know they can see that around me...and that grieves me. For them. For
myself...I just want it to be over. As I pray and get glimpses of
what I need to rebuke and pray against perhaps it will lesson.
However there seem to be so many layers, twists and turns. My own
blindness allows these things to keep coming back. Some of this
oppression leads me to paranoid thinking. I tend to think too much.
That people are talking about me, that things have been said, done or
prayed in such a way as to interfere with my relationships. The
thing is I am certain that to a much lesser extent than I feel...that
some of this is true.
I spoke to
a person I mostly trust today about difficulties experienced in the
past two months. I was certain that there had been mis-communication
and that was confirmed. To be more accurate it was more like lack of
communication. What is sad is that in the fallout, I as the person
who has needed help and sought help, have lost care and connection. Often victims, survivors, thrivers and overcomers
are blamed because they are or were the wounded ones with
dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors. No blaming went on. It
really isn't in the nature of the redeemed, Holy Spirit filled and
lead person I talked to. However I expect to hear excuses from people who should know better. Others who given the choice to believe a
respected colleague versus a wounded, dysfunctional individual will
likely side with the person who is the most credible. Because of the Spirit-filled nature of the leadership of
my church this doesn't happen often.
The events
of late could breed more mistrust but I realize that would not be
helpful for me and it would take my focus off God and off my healing
journey. I needed to choose to trust God in this and choose to
pursue Him first. I realize my healing does not depend on others and
that I needed to continue on my healing journey as God has it for me.
I am tired of the journey I have been on up to now. I am tired of
the spiritual harassment. I am tired of the isolation that I have
brought on myself and now that others seem to think is best...for
whatever reasons. If I am to truly see in this darkness it has to be
light from God. No beliefs, no methods or expectations that He isn't
leading me into.
The following two songs with the videos say something about me, what I feel and who I am.
Jason Gray "Remind Me Who I Am
Tenth Avenue North "You Are More"
