Thursday, March 29, 2012
I started to write a blog post on trust a little while back but it kind of ran out of steam. It was more on mistrust and I wanted to find trust but couldn't get there. There have been a number of things happen, relationships that have gone awry, misunderstandings, revelations and many unanswered questions. In the midst of it I sense a freedom from expectations. Mostly my own expectations and what I thought others expected of me.
I know that as a victim and survivor of childhood sexual abuse that trust is no longer a simple matter of looking at what a person deserves or earns. I've heard a number of opinions ranging from what seems to be advocating avoiding trust at all, making it a non-issue, to not trusting anyone except one-self. The former seem to have found some semblance of peace and healing which leads me to believe that they have trusted but in their personal definition they don't call it that. The latter seem to be angry and come across as justified in staying there. They even attack those who state that trust is essential to their own personal healing. Like...me. I rarely enter these discussions anymore because when I do I am rarely understood. Apparently...trust is a choice.
As a survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse with Dissociative Identity Disorder there is a constant battle to trust, who to trust, why trust, how much to trust, what is trust, you trust but I won't trust, why did you trust, how about we trust everyone, I don't think we should trust anyone... There is no working definition of trust and what that looks like. There are different kinds of relationships and what is the appropriate trust level? What topics are okay and what aren't? How do I know? Some things are obvious. No one at work knows about this blog or anything related to it and that is the way it should be. They think I am sensitive. That is fine with me.
Because of the abuse there can be a lot of oppression. I am grateful to have had the prayers and counsel of people to overcome much of it. I have the tools to pray against any evil I recognize as coming against me. But at many levels I don't fully recognize it. I am aware that it exists for me. Because it the nature of the Holy Spirit-filled people at my church to recognize it, I know I have their prayers as well. At times the enemy has so latched onto an alter that I have said and done things outside of my redeemed self. I know that there are broken relationships there but only because I sense the withdrawal of people. I don't actually know what I said or did. I know there are people who “see” in the spiritual realm. I would think it is as much a gift as it is a curse. But to those so gifted I am sure they see it differently. The Holiness of God can come through a person and it always amazes me. Because of my oppression I know they can see that around me...and that grieves me. For them. For myself...I just want it to be over. As I pray and get glimpses of what I need to rebuke and pray against perhaps it will lesson. However there seem to be so many layers, twists and turns. My own blindness allows these things to keep coming back. Some of this oppression leads me to paranoid thinking. I tend to think too much. That people are talking about me, that things have been said, done or prayed in such a way as to interfere with my relationships. The thing is I am certain that to a much lesser extent than I feel...that some of this is true.
I spoke to a person I mostly trust today about difficulties experienced in the past two months. I was certain that there had been mis-communication and that was confirmed. To be more accurate it was more like lack of communication. What is sad is that in the fallout, I as the person who has needed help and sought help, have lost care and connection. Often victims, survivors, thrivers and overcomers are blamed because they are or were the wounded ones with dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors. No blaming went on. It really isn't in the nature of the redeemed, Holy Spirit filled and lead person I talked to. However I expect to hear excuses from people who should know better. Others who given the choice to believe a respected colleague versus a wounded, dysfunctional individual will likely side with the person who is the most credible. Because of the Spirit-filled nature of the leadership of my church this doesn't happen often.
The events of late could breed more mistrust but I realize that would not be helpful for me and it would take my focus off God and off my healing journey. I needed to choose to trust God in this and choose to pursue Him first. I realize my healing does not depend on others and that I needed to continue on my healing journey as God has it for me. I am tired of the journey I have been on up to now. I am tired of the spiritual harassment. I am tired of the isolation that I have brought on myself and now that others seem to think is best...for whatever reasons. If I am to truly see in this darkness it has to be light from God. No beliefs, no methods or expectations that He isn't leading me into.
The following two songs with the videos say something about me, what I feel and who I am.
Jason Gray "Remind Me Who I Am
Tenth Avenue North "You Are More"
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Men...assaulting me...telling me to do things...or not do things...but it doesn't matter what I want, or that I am afraid, or that it hurts or that it makes me sick or that I am a little girl or that I am a human being at all. I am what they want...whatever that is, that is what I have to be. Their hands are on me, pulling my hair, pulling me toward them, hands and other things in me. Women too...pressing themselves against me. I watched a bizarre and frightful dance...intermingled with smoke, blood, shrieks and tears. Recorded through my senses in my mind for eternity...or what seems like it.
When I remembered these things previously it was as if I was watching it happen to someone else but now...now it's me or sometimes a part of me...I feel the terror, the pain, not sure I knew enough to want to be somewhere else or be someone else. I don't know if I knew I was alive or if I was anyone or anything at all.
I was at an intersection in the city after mailing something that had to go out yesterday, Saturday. The main post office in the city is the only place that will process mail on a Saturday afternoon. There was an angry man standing on the sidewalk right on the curb yelling and cursing at the cars. I am glad I wasn't in the curb lane. There were 5 or 6 other vehicles but he targeted me. He took a couple steps out behind the car beside me and was next to the back of my car and he screamed for me to “suck it” and as I glanced in my rear view mirror I turned my eyes forward quickly. I caught a glimpse of something that I wish I hadn't and terror from the past tore a little hole into my awareness. I heard more words, threats, that mingled with voices from the past. Across the street was the Christian pregnancy center...I wish the walls had reached out to surround me and pull me in. I wish that I could stay surrounded by safe walls and not go out. But that won't protect me from what is inside of me and from what is not impeded by brick and mortar.
On top of it my blood sugar was dropping and I was feeling shaky and needed to eat. I often forget things and make mistakes and bad decisions when this happens. I was vulnerable. I was so tired when I finally got home that I crawled into bed for 2 hours, forgetting that I needed to eat.
More blood this weekend...my body remembers too. The blood sugar drops. I start to wheeze when I breath. I don't know how to be me. I don't know who is me or not. I don't know anything anymore. Jesus, can I come home now?