Friday, January 6, 2012

Epiphany Moments

Today is epiphany...the day we commemorate the revelation of Christ to the three wise men who came from a foreign land when they saw the manifestation of the star over Bethlehem and connected it to prophecy. It was more than simply following prophecy and magic eastern mysticism...for who else but God could transform their gentile devotion to reveal to their hearts and minds the awesome reality of a living and breathing human God cradled in the arms of a human mother, guarded by a human father?

It is the same power of God that realizes an epiphany in us of who He is and converts our empty spirit into the home of the very Holy Spirit...a part of God.

As I have grown in my spirit and walked the healing path intertwined with my walk with Jesus, He had made to known to me, as He desires for all of His children, to continue to give us epiphany moments. He wants to open our eyes and allow us to realize Him in us.

We all have dark closets in our lives that often we are not aware of. As a survivor of abuse with DID I have more than most of my Christian brothers and sisters. For healing to happen for me I have to allow Jesus access to those closets and dark places. It is difficult for anyone to admit they have a dark place that hasn't been fully turned over to God. Places where we go to sin, make excuses, hide, plaster a smile over the pain, anger, fear, and lies. Often it is still in the dark because subconsciously we have justified what is there. Jesus can and does reveal it to us when we are ready. He makes us ready when we continue to submit to Him and ask Him to show us those places. I know I don't deal with people very well. I feel quite stressed working with the public. I am an introvert so that explains some of that. Sometimes people have disrespected me, perhaps aggravated me in some small way but not abused me. I have found some resentment inside that I can't explain but that I don't want hindering me. I also have a deep well of anger that I can't connect to specific events. I find I am inordinately angry with my therapist and sometimes others who are trying to help me. The “offenses” loom larger than any good things that have come out of these relationships. This is not uncommon for survivors of various types of abuse. Having DID, I have a few alters who don't want to integrate, they think they are fine by themselves but others inside need it. They do not like my therapist. But while the offenses need to be dealt with, they need to be framed within the truth. Sometimes its because I don't like being told something about myself that I would prefer to avoid. Stick my fingers in my ears and sing “nah, nah, nah...I can't heeeaaaar you!” I don't do that literally but I do it as a survival mechanism that has lost its way and lost its usefulness. A part of the truth is that I don't know all the truth. I have to submit that to Jesus.

I realize that there are more epiphanies to come for me about Him, about myself and about this journey I am on. Once I think I know it all...I'll stop learning anything new and I'll stop progressing. If I close myself off in fear or anger, if I quit giving those things up to Jesus, then I will stop healing and begin a descent into sickness. I don't know the future, I don't know what this path looks like a week down the road or even a day. But I choose to believe that I will be healed and that my destination is wholeness and victory. I don't know what it looks like but I want to do the thing that is set before me now and walk the path I see clear now. Now will become tomorrow and in a few days Now will become next week in a little while Now will become next month and so on. I can do the Now that has been revealed to me.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, sometimes it takes hours of venting to others and Jesus, though! And that's a dangerous process when some of those others turn out to not be safe. And sometmes you know you're doing it in a place that is not safe, but have such a hard time controlling yourself and are so desperate to try to make the people in your immediate vicinity understand...Ugh! It's so hard!