Hope in the Journey

What do I find hope in when I look at the difficult journey ahead of me? I admit it...some days I find very little hope at all. Other days I look at the changed lives of people I know who have done the hard work and I know it is possible for me too. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder, I have alter personalities who have very different emotions, experiences and thoughts. It is like living in a single room with a bunch of random people. Some want to sleep, some are angry, others want to watch cartoons, some are yelling, some are exercising. Some are complaining the light is too bright, others hate the clothes we are wearing, some think everyone else is stupid and others just cower in the corner. What a freaking mess!

I am thankful God loves messes. Romans 8:35 says “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?” Jeremiah 31:3 and 4 says, “...I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt...” The context of this is about the nation of Israel but as God's word has layers of meaning I think it can be applied to those of us who have been devastated and torn apart in our souls. I believe my application resonates with other scriptures about God's love for us and about His plan for wholeness for all who come to Him.

Hope can slip away when I see the hurt and pain in others I know suffer as well. It can slip away when my system sabotages me and I become unreasonably angry or anxious and have no idea what unhealed part of me holds so much pain. Right now only God really knows what happened in my past that still has a hold on me today. I know all that will come to light as I trust God to use my therapist and pastor in my life. I guess none of us would do the hard work if we didn't have hope...wherever it comes from. Often I have had hope instilled in me by the encouraging people in my life. My pastor, a friend, my therapist. They intentionally offer goodness to me, helping me to see some of what God has for me. Sometimes I find hope accidentally....in a song, in a story, in my own observations of life around me. Perhaps it's not so accidental...God puts things in front of me all the time.

Maybe I am writing this more to convince myself than anyone else. I am on my own journey, not anyone elses. I hope (there's that word again!) that it ignites a spark in other fellow sojourners to something God has for their healing journey.  

"My Hope is in You" sung by Aaron Shust

Not my will....but YOUR WILL O LORD

I and my church have prayed for a long time for God's outpouring. He has certainly responded, using us to bring healing to peoples lives, to make a stand on biblical issues in the face of the enemy, to reaching out to our friends, families and neighbors. I've been a grateful recipient of healing, sat in teaching and participated in ministry opportunities. As a survivor of extreme abuse, it can be difficult to navigate my emotions especially in crowds or when people innocently and unwittingly say things or do things that could be triggering. I've come to know safety there, even in situations that might overwhelm me in another place.

A number of years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to walk into my Christian life. I don't remember if it was directly to me or to a few of us standing there. But it was something I took to heart. I began to seek God more as to my part in the body of Christ where I was at. I participated more fully in worship and in ministry but also in small groups. I was seeking “the kingdom of heaven” in other words. Quite imperfectly I might add. Haphazard as well since “I” wasn't actually doing a lot of listening to God although I was receiving teaching. It was at an intellectual level and a spiritually shallow level....

I still wanted control of my frighteningly uncontrollable life. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder meant that there was a lot going on inside of me that affected my decisions, relationships, work and mood to name a few things. I had trusted the people willing to help me and God only to a certain level....and no more. I did not spend much time going inside to connect with my alters or with my emotions. I put healing on hold in order to return to school and then to start a new job. I became disconnected inside and still am to a certain point. All this time I am trying to control things.

Flash forward to May 2010...I had gotten a part-time job which I felt would provide for me and lead to a full-time position with a great employer. However things transpired, partly due to my dysfunction and some misunderstanding that I became unemployed. Soon after I made a decision to slowly go off my psychotropic medications. I spent the summer exercising, looking for work and putting time into some reading and therapy. As my body adjusted to being off chemicals, my emotions began to emerge. I began to experience anxiety and mood fluctuations like I hadn't in years. I had the same anger response...anger fits or storms...those didn't change. Often I couldn't connect any event or person with these emotions. It seems they were triggered by some small thing but were so out of proportion to what was going on. I knew they were likely the emotions that were buried from the abuse long ago. They had been dampened and held down by medication. The therapy part seemed to move at a snails pace and when I thought that maybe my therapist and I were getting somewhere, the next session seemed to not pick up where the last one left off. I still don't understand it.

I got my current job a year ago. I was pleased to be working even though it was and still is a part-time job that does not meet all my needs by itself. My boss is rather unorganized and I am not. It is quite difficult to follow her and find things. She gets frustrated when I can't find them and sometimes her comments have quite a “bite” to them. She triggers my PTSD symptoms....a lot. I have internalized panic attacks at times I am with her. I can get very confused and am afraid of her. This has put a lot of pressure on my system of alters to function and I have become emotionally exhausted. I wonder often why God put me there. I'm thinking more and more it is to drive me to dependance on Him.

In the past month or so I started hearing God again. I believe He was likely speaking to me all along but I was not recognizing His voice. It began one night when once again I could not sleep and was resting. I had lost my drivers license a few weeks earlier and kept looking for it. I thought that night that God told me to look between my bed and the dresser...on the floor. I went ahead a got up and looked but it wasn't there. I figured that if it was God then it was an exercise in obedience and if it wasn't it didn't matter anyway, I wasn't doing anything, including sleeping. The next day it was something else...a few days later something else again. Each of these things was a little more difficult than the previous. What I was doing was being obedient, even thought I didn't feel like it and felt rather aggravated. I was submitting to God's Will and design for me...not just what I thought and felt was right and good.

I am seeing that submitting my will to His is the key to my healing. I will be seeing my therapist that I don't understand and am somewhat afraid of today because that was what He asked me to do. I've had to forgive her for what I have perceived as offenses. We have some hard things to talk about. I have to be willing to listen to her even thought I don't really trust her at this point because I do trust God and He has plainly said to me that I am to see her. When I say out loud “I trust Jesus” I can sense a change inside of me. Not sure why or what is happening but it is good. I keep praying that Jesus will be in total control today. I have to remind myself to not make excuses, to consider everything even though my emotions might be reacting negatively. I also have to write things down because I will forget. Praying Jesus invades my being today and everyday.

Reconnection and Release

As a survivor of abuse at home my MO, method of operation, was survival. I did what I needed to do in order to please those in positions of authority over me. I did not want to attract attention that would result in emotional or physical abuse. It was all very subtle. I wasn't locked in a closet or beaten until I was black and blue and I wasn't called names. My ideas were discounted.... “no one thinks like that” or “that's ridiculous”. My sister and I weren't allowed to participate in many church youth group or class events...we were somewhat isolated. We didn't “need” to do that. If something required a fee then sometimes we could work to earn it...sometimes though we couldn't do enough extra chores fast enough to meet the deadline and the perceived opportunity slipped away. I got so that I didn't even bother asking to do things anymore because it wasn't worth the frustration. Then I would hear, “If you had asked you could have done that.” So many things to bury deep inside. Getting angry or expressing frustration would have brought on the very abuse I was afraid of. I found even as a college student that standing up for myself brought on abuse. One time I was home with my Father. I was in my room studying for a final exam and he called down the hall to come close a window. I replied I was studying for an exam and could he do it. I figured he was a lot closer to the window than I was. He was instantly enraged and came down the hall, grabbed me, pulled my arm up behind my back and marched me down the hall. I do not remember what happened next except to say I was too distraught to continue studying.

Even now as I am writing this tears are flowing...connections being made. God is setting me up yet again! I've forgiven my parents for many abuses...I guess it's time to forgive them for more.

Father, I release my parents from the grip of my anger, from the depths of the prison my mind and heart have created ….I forgive them. I forgive them for discounting my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I forgive them for placing me in frustrating circumstances. I forgive them for creating impossible situations that brought on the disappointment and internalized anger and panic. It is only by Your power that I can do this. I place them in Your hands for Your grace and mercy in the evening of their lives. I pray You reach into their hearts and minds to free them from the prison they, their abusers and the enemy made in them. Father, I ask You to release me and all that is within me from the dungeon, from that dark place of apathy and despair. Fill the temple that I am with Your light, chase every shadow, sweep away the dark dust that covers everything and everyone. Throw open every door, seep through every crevice and reveal every hiding place that has been created in my soul and spirit over the years. Overwhelm me with who You are and even Your love.

 

I confess that I am afraid of love, Your love, anyone's love. Siphon off the fear, untangle the web of lies, dissolve expectations and thwart spirits of confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, rebellion and division. I am afraid of betrayal...what if something goes wrong? What if I don't “get it” again? Bring me back to the reassurance that You have it all in control and I don't have to control anything anymore. I'm too tired to control anything anyway.

The Annoying God

Why would I call God annoying? Why would anyone dare call Him annoying or aggravating? You would have to understand my relationship with Him for one thing. In becoming a more honest person I had to allow my true thoughts and feelings to surface. For me this process meant going off psychotropic medications, facing my emerging emotions and taking them to Jesus. That is the simple explanation. To start with becoming honest wasn't my goal but if you know God, He'll use any reason and excuse for doing things to accomplish His purposes. Apparently His purpose was me being honest with Him and with myself and in turn with those around me.

I went off psychotropic medications when I became unemployed and thus unencumbered by expectations associated with employment. Never mind the struggle of meeting my needs, finding side jobs and the endless job search. I was provided with a flexible schedule with most of the demands being placed on me by myself. I went off the medication slowly although perhaps not slowly enough. I began to experience a lot more anxiety. The Bible says be anxious for nothing and I was...I had no idea what it was...not quite realizing that I had internalized anxiety and had also covered it up with medication. I had, as a young child, been abused and had expected it. That of course would bring anxiety to anyone...to be told I was going to “get it” or see the things happening around me that would lead to me being used as an object, being forced to perform evil acts in a surreal scene of horror.

I have always had anger issues. I had and still have what I call anger fits or anger storms. Perhaps not when I was younger when I had the energy to fully suppress it. After pushing down anger for many, many years at the abusive events and people in my life I am not surprised. However most of the time I could not and still cannot associate the anger with particular people and events. That is beginning to change. Growing up in church I heard, as many have, about not allowing rage to take hold, to not be bitter. I heard about Jesus righteous anger in the temple. Christians are told to quickly forgive, however they are not told what to do with the anger that still swirls around in their gut.

What was I going to do with the emerging emotions? I told God about them in conversations sitting in my living room in the evenings. I still do. Some were despairing crys, wanting Jesus to just get me out of here. I would turn over to Him my worries about work, about relationships and getting my needs met but often that did not relieve the anxious feeling inside of me. Other times I confessed my anger, practically spitting nails in the direction of the chair I imagined Him sitting in. To start with I wouldn't even be repentant of holding all that anger and raging in anger storms, thinking destructive thoughts at the slightest provocation. I would collapse in tears in bed. I don't remember hearing Him speak to me about any of it. I figured He was speaking but that my “hearing aid” was turned off. I did confess my rage to Him but often ended up in tears of frustration at myself, feeling helpless to overcome it.

Over the past year and a half of this process which seemed like it wasn't achieving anything, I became more honest with God about how I felt about Him and what I thought about Him. I never heard His condemnation although internally at times I sensed alarm at my honesty. The old voices coming back to tell me to think holy thoughts, to not feel those feelings...as if God didn't already know. I have begun to recognize God's voice as I have obeyed Him. He has asked me to do some difficult things lately and I have felt annoyed. I told Him He was annoying and another time that He was aggravating me. The thing is that He was challenging me to go out of my comfort zone. If He is annoying me...that means I am hearing Him and recognizing the challenge. So far I have gone ahead and done what He has asked me to do. I know my attitude needs to follow along and fully accept Him and His process for my life. Yet I know that I will not be able to fully deal with these emotions and their root causes if I do not obey Him. He has asked me to be honest and I have been able to do that imperfectly in fits and starts. Even if I did not tell Him He was annoying me, He would have known it anyway.

This scripture was given to me as a teenager when I was upset at my parents denying a youth group event. I really didn't believe in God speaking to anyone so when I went ahead and looked up this verse I was surprised at how it fit my small circumstance at the time. I had no memories at that time of the horrors that had taken place as a young child and the coming depression.

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.