Ramblings

I keep walking...keep putting one foot in front of the other....not always sure where I am going or even if there is a purpose to each step. I just do it. I believe the people that tell me it will get better. I'm not sure I am doing the things I need to do because it is an expected part of the process or if I believe in the process. I'm not sure if I see that A + B + C = D. I saw my therapist a couple weeks ago. We discussed some things, a couple of them being things I needed to do. A couple days later I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do. I had a pad of paper with me at the appointment but did not write them down. I had written some notes about what I wanted to talk about. I emailed my therapist early in the week about it but received no reply. I didn't schedule an appointment this week. Obviously if I couldn't remember what to do then I didn't do it. So there was no point scheduling. She says she is sure I have alters that are sabotaging me. I agree. Who the heck is wiping my memory of what we talk about? It happens all the time. I forget what we talk about all the time. So I had to come up with something productive to do. I have used a Youversion.com scripture reading plan. I did the one on anger and hate and the one on the words of Jesus during Passion week. Those were good. I think I am going to review the one on anger and hate. I am also reading "God Attachment" by Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub. I hate my anger. It is so screwed up. It has actually interfered with a relationship. A person I am church friends with kept sending me stuff that wasn't true. Internet rumors. She would not check them out no matter how often I emailed her back with links showing the fallacies. I encouraged her to bookmark the truth or fiction website and others. Finally I got one and sent a curt email back and I hit reply all so all of us who she sent it too would get the link. I did not hear back from her but a couple people she sent it to that I don't even know replied. One of them attacked me, I'm not even sure why. I let that one drop by not replying. My friend did not even reply nor has she brought it up at all. Now she doesn't send me any emails. It's annoying when people won't listen. I don't get listened to quite a lot. I ended up reluctantly agreeing to sing in the Good Friday choir. I didn't like most of the music, which didn't matter since Good Friday music isn't supposed to be energetic and lively. So Good Friday rolled around and I showed up and went to take an empty seat in the choir area. I don't like sitting in the middle, but no way was I sitting in the front row. So I sat 3 seats in. A few people who had individual singing or speaking parts needed to be on the end. Two people came up and were telling me to move down. One of those people had no reason to make me move and there was plenty of room for the other person to sit on the end as she needed to. The seats they wanted me to move to had purses on them so they were already claimed, there was no where to go. I told them that more than a couple times... then I had it. I got up and said I was done and I left. I did not stay for the service at all. How could I get anything out of it at that point? I was worn out from being around too many people at work and just could not "do" it. Me and Jesus needed some time and what that day was for...remembering His sacrifice.... wasn't going to happen for me in that setting. The next day was Saturday and I was at work and one of those ladies was at my workplace as a customer. We chatted briefly and she apologized. She is someone who is likely to do the same thing again. No point explaining anything in depth, she wouldn't get it. Then on Easter I got to church and this lady talked to me for a minute, saying she was glad I was there. I then said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I have a hard time getting into the mind frame and spirit of worship especially when there is a lot of people around. Then the other lady came up and I said right away I did not want to talk about it right now. She kept going and I said it again. She said "Can you be nice?" I said no and then said I was done again and got up and left again. This time I went to the car and cried for a while. I went back in and people were singing the first song so it was safe to sit back down. I didn't feel good the whole service. I thought about what had happened. This person who didn't listen to me on Friday again didn't listen to me, violating a boundary I had clearly stated. I waited till Monday morning and emailed her at the email address listed in the church directory. She has not replied. I'm thinking I may need to call her. Maybe I should leave it alone since the ball is in her court now. I did say what happened, how I felt about it and that I had forgiven her. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.   I ended up sending a note to this person, explaining how I felt and asking her to forgive me. It was the right thing to do. She was gracious and explained some things too. If someone is violating your boundaries by ignoring a request, what do you do? Maybe I wasn't nice, but neither was she.     Matthew 18:15 - 20      “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love. Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I’ll be there.”