Finding Christmas In Me

It's Christmas again. My head is spinning with all the rushing...not necessarily my own. Inside everything is more or less in turmoil. There is a battle about integration. Some of us are afraid, some anxious (although I am not sure there is a lot of difference between those emotions.) A few are angry....pretty darn angry, but not necessarily connected with the events my memory tells me that deserve it. So in the stir of doing recovery work...it's Christmas. I'm having a difficult time finding Jesus in all of this. Not that I am not spending some time seeking Him, but not getting very deep. I am quite distracted. I'm not one to be very distracted with “stuff” or shopping, but the emotions I sense, thinking about the people in my life, entertainment, thinking about working on keeping my apartment up....argh. I'm not finding I am being very quiet and listening for His voice. I was dong that frequently for a while but it seems as I started dong some more recovery work that the quiet time with Jesus became shorter and I felt more distracted during that time.

I work in a retail environment by necessity. I work a stressful part time job that God has provided even though it isn't a good fit for me. He has a purpose for it. It is the job I have right now, nothing better has come up for me. I keep looking and applying for better work but nothing has happened yet. I say this to say I am quite stressed out with work...I am on edge and it shows. I am an introvert and having a lot of interaction with people wears me down. My anxiety was out the roof for a quite a while. That changed after I spent some time praying with my pastor about it. God has relieved this but the reasons the anxiety was and is there are still waiting for me to finish the process God has set for my healing. My anger is leaking through quite a lot now. I am acutely aware of things that irritate me or stress me out. I have needed to back out of social situations with friends and family in order to retain my sanity. I skipped the service at church this evening because of it. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that is starting to kick in this week. I need to go to bed earlier, use my special light and eat right. Exercise would be good but it is so difficult to walk since it gets dark by 5 pm right now.

I do feel quite alone right now. I suppose that showing how overwhelmed I can be when I am around people drives them away. (especially anger) They don't want to know about my pain and frustration. I am sure there are various reasons for that, not knowing how to help and self-preservation among them. I know many people are stressed trying to keep up with expectations at this time of year. Many people are spending extra time with family and those who are close to them, shopping and cooking in order to give good things to those they love. All good things. I don't know if they are having problems connecting with Jesus as well. Things have changed for me and I am having a hard time finding good time for my Creator, Savior and Healer. How lame is that?

Now that it is Christmas Eve what am I going to do about it? I have had periods of time when I have had good, intimate times with Jesus. Not necessarily at Christmas or Easter. I am not very consistent with sustaining these times. Not very good at the “Christian walk” or practicing the “Christian disciplines”. I know that He knows what is going on. He knows the conflicts inside and out. He is the answer to my healing. He is gracious...far more than I am. He deserves my time, my self and my system belonging fully to Him. I need to get back to the anticipation of His working in me and through me, anticipation of sensing His love, His affection, and His mercy in my spirit. Taking time to be quiet and ask Him to invade the inner turmoil, the distractions and busyness and wait...and He will do it.