Reconnection and Release

As a survivor of abuse at home my MO, method of operation, was survival. I did what I needed to do in order to please those in positions of authority over me. I did not want to attract attention that would result in emotional or physical abuse. It was all very subtle. I wasn't locked in a closet or beaten until I was black and blue and I wasn't called names. My ideas were discounted.... “no one thinks like that” or “that's ridiculous”. My sister and I weren't allowed to participate in many church youth group or class events...we were somewhat isolated. We didn't “need” to do that. If something required a fee then sometimes we could work to earn it...sometimes though we couldn't do enough extra chores fast enough to meet the deadline and the perceived opportunity slipped away. I got so that I didn't even bother asking to do things anymore because it wasn't worth the frustration. Then I would hear, “If you had asked you could have done that.” So many things to bury deep inside. Getting angry or expressing frustration would have brought on the very abuse I was afraid of. I found even as a college student that standing up for myself brought on abuse. One time I was home with my Father. I was in my room studying for a final exam and he called down the hall to come close a window. I replied I was studying for an exam and could he do it. I figured he was a lot closer to the window than I was. He was instantly enraged and came down the hall, grabbed me, pulled my arm up behind my back and marched me down the hall. I do not remember what happened next except to say I was too distraught to continue studying.

Even now as I am writing this tears are flowing...connections being made. God is setting me up yet again! I've forgiven my parents for many abuses...I guess it's time to forgive them for more.

Father, I release my parents from the grip of my anger, from the depths of the prison my mind and heart have created ….I forgive them. I forgive them for discounting my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I forgive them for placing me in frustrating circumstances. I forgive them for creating impossible situations that brought on the disappointment and internalized anger and panic. It is only by Your power that I can do this. I place them in Your hands for Your grace and mercy in the evening of their lives. I pray You reach into their hearts and minds to free them from the prison they, their abusers and the enemy made in them. Father, I ask You to release me and all that is within me from the dungeon, from that dark place of apathy and despair. Fill the temple that I am with Your light, chase every shadow, sweep away the dark dust that covers everything and everyone. Throw open every door, seep through every crevice and reveal every hiding place that has been created in my soul and spirit over the years. Overwhelm me with who You are and even Your love.

I confess that I am afraid of love, Your love, anyone's love. Siphon off the fear, untangle the web of lies, dissolve expectations and thwart spirits of confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, rebellion and division. I am afraid of betrayal...what if something goes wrong? What if I don't “get it” again? Bring me back to the reassurance that You have it all in control and I don't have to control anything anymore. I'm too tired to control anything anyway.