Not my will....but YOUR WILL O LORD

I and my church have prayed for a long time for God's outpouring. He has certainly responded, using us to bring healing to peoples lives, to make a stand on biblical issues in the face of the enemy, to reaching out to our friends, families and neighbors. I've been a grateful recipient of healing, sat in teaching and participated in ministry opportunities. As a survivor of extreme abuse, it can be difficult to navigate my emotions especially in crowds or when people innocently and unwittingly say things or do things that could be triggering. I've come to know safety there, even in situations that might overwhelm me in another place.

A number of years ago my pastor's wife challenged me to walk into my Christian life. I don't remember if it was directly to me or to a few of us standing there. But it was something I took to heart. I began to seek God more as to my part in the body of Christ where I was at. I participated more fully in worship and in ministry but also in small groups. I was seeking “the kingdom of heaven” in other words. Quite imperfectly I might add. Haphazard as well since “I” wasn't actually doing a lot of listening to God although I was receiving teaching. It was at an intellectual level and a spiritually shallow level....

I still wanted control of my frighteningly uncontrollable life. Having Dissociative Identity Disorder meant that there was a lot going on inside of me that affected my decisions, relationships, work and mood to name a few things. I had trusted the people willing to help me and God only to a certain level....and no more. I did not spend much time going inside to connect with my alters or with my emotions. I put healing on hold in order to return to school and then to start a new job. I became disconnected inside and still am to a certain point. All this time I am trying to control things.

Flash forward to May 2010...I had gotten a part-time job which I felt would provide for me and lead to a full-time position with a great employer. However things transpired, partly due to my dysfunction and some misunderstanding that I became unemployed. Soon after I made a decision to slowly go off my psychotropic medications. I spent the summer exercising, looking for work and putting time into some reading and therapy. As my body adjusted to being off chemicals, my emotions began to emerge. I began to experience anxiety and mood fluctuations like I hadn't in years. I had the same anger response...anger fits or storms...those didn't change. Often I couldn't connect any event or person with these emotions. It seems they were triggered by some small thing but were so out of proportion to what was going on. I knew they were likely the emotions that were buried from the abuse long ago. They had been dampened and held down by medication. The therapy part seemed to move at a snails pace and when I thought that maybe my therapist and I were getting somewhere, the next session seemed to not pick up where the last one left off. I still don't understand it.

I got my current job a year ago. I was pleased to be working even though it was and still is a part-time job that does not meet all my needs by itself. My boss is rather unorganized and I am not. It is quite difficult to follow her and find things. She gets frustrated when I can't find them and sometimes her comments have quite a “bite” to them. She triggers my PTSD symptoms....a lot. I have internalized panic attacks at times I am with her. I can get very confused and am afraid of her. This has put a lot of pressure on my system of alters to function and I have become emotionally exhausted. I wonder often why God put me there. I'm thinking more and more it is to drive me to dependance on Him.

In the past month or so I started hearing God again. I believe He was likely speaking to me all along but I was not recognizing His voice. It began one night when once again I could not sleep and was resting. I had lost my drivers license a few weeks earlier and kept looking for it. I thought that night that God told me to look between my bed and the dresser...on the floor. I went ahead a got up and looked but it wasn't there. I figured that if it was God then it was an exercise in obedience and if it wasn't it didn't matter anyway, I wasn't doing anything, including sleeping. The next day it was something else...a few days later something else again. Each of these things was a little more difficult than the previous. What I was doing was being obedient, even thought I didn't feel like it and felt rather aggravated. I was submitting to God's Will and design for me...not just what I thought and felt was right and good.

I am seeing that submitting my will to His is the key to my healing. I will be seeing my therapist that I don't understand and am somewhat afraid of today because that was what He asked me to do. I've had to forgive her for what I have perceived as offenses. We have some hard things to talk about. I have to be willing to listen to her even thought I don't really trust her at this point because I do trust God and He has plainly said to me that I am to see her. When I say out loud “I trust Jesus” I can sense a change inside of me. Not sure why or what is happening but it is good. I keep praying that Jesus will be in total control today. I have to remind myself to not make excuses, to consider everything even though my emotions might be reacting negatively. I also have to write things down because I will forget. Praying Jesus invades my being today and everyday.