The Annoying God

Why would I call God annoying? Why would anyone dare call Him annoying or aggravating? You would have to understand my relationship with Him for one thing. In becoming a more honest person I had to allow my true thoughts and feelings to surface. For me this process meant going off psychotropic medications, facing my emerging emotions and taking them to Jesus. That is the simple explanation. To start with becoming honest wasn't my goal but if you know God, He'll use any reason and excuse for doing things to accomplish His purposes. Apparently His purpose was me being honest with Him and with myself and in turn with those around me.

I went off psychotropic medications when I became unemployed and thus unencumbered by expectations associated with employment. Never mind the struggle of meeting my needs, finding side jobs and the endless job search. I was provided with a flexible schedule with most of the demands being placed on me by myself. I went off the medication slowly although perhaps not slowly enough. I began to experience a lot more anxiety. The Bible says be anxious for nothing and I was...I had no idea what it was...not quite realizing that I had internalized anxiety and had also covered it up with medication. I had, as a young child, been abused and had expected it. That of course would bring anxiety to anyone...to be told I was going to “get it” or see the things happening around me that would lead to me being used as an object, being forced to perform evil acts in a surreal scene of horror.

I have always had anger issues. I had and still have what I call anger fits or anger storms. Perhaps not when I was younger when I had the energy to fully suppress it. After pushing down anger for many, many years at the abusive events and people in my life I am not surprised. However most of the time I could not and still cannot associate the anger with particular people and events. That is beginning to change. Growing up in church I heard, as many have, about not allowing rage to take hold, to not be bitter. I heard about Jesus righteous anger in the temple. Christians are told to quickly forgive, however they are not told what to do with the anger that still swirls around in their gut.

What was I going to do with the emerging emotions? I told God about them in conversations sitting in my living room in the evenings. I still do. Some were despairing crys, wanting Jesus to just get me out of here. I would turn over to Him my worries about work, about relationships and getting my needs met but often that did not relieve the anxious feeling inside of me. Other times I confessed my anger, practically spitting nails in the direction of the chair I imagined Him sitting in. To start with I wouldn't even be repentant of holding all that anger and raging in anger storms, thinking destructive thoughts at the slightest provocation. I would collapse in tears in bed. I don't remember hearing Him speak to me about any of it. I figured He was speaking but that my “hearing aid” was turned off. I did confess my rage to Him but often ended up in tears of frustration at myself, feeling helpless to overcome it.

Over the past year and a half of this process which seemed like it wasn't achieving anything, I became more honest with God about how I felt about Him and what I thought about Him. I never heard His condemnation although internally at times I sensed alarm at my honesty. The old voices coming back to tell me to think holy thoughts, to not feel those feelings...as if God didn't already know. I have begun to recognize God's voice as I have obeyed Him. He has asked me to do some difficult things lately and I have felt annoyed. I told Him He was annoying and another time that He was aggravating me. The thing is that He was challenging me to go out of my comfort zone. If He is annoying me...that means I am hearing Him and recognizing the challenge. So far I have gone ahead and done what He has asked me to do. I know my attitude needs to follow along and fully accept Him and His process for my life. Yet I know that I will not be able to fully deal with these emotions and their root causes if I do not obey Him. He has asked me to be honest and I have been able to do that imperfectly in fits and starts. Even if I did not tell Him He was annoying me, He would have known it anyway.

This scripture was given to me as a teenager when I was upset at my parents denying a youth group event. I really didn't believe in God speaking to anyone so when I went ahead and looked up this verse I was surprised at how it fit my small circumstance at the time. I had no memories at that time of the horrors that had taken place as a young child and the coming depression.

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.