Alone, Angry and Fading Fast

I am losing my grip. I have so much pain right now its killing me. Pain related to stress, ongoing inability to facilitate my own healing, people withdrawing from me, an increasing intolerable job situation. I also have a lot of anger coming up.

It's getting triggered by the verbal barrage I receive at work. It's short of abuse I guess depending on your definition of abuse. One co-worker regularly insults everyone in a joking manner. He picks on people in general. At one point I mentioned about working with developmentally disabled individuals in a group home not far from where I work now. He went on to say they shouldn't be allowed out in public and some other outrageous remarks. I really don't think he feels this way, he was just trying to be outrageous. I really don't care if his intent was to be funny, he wasn't funny and not only could this be seen as his opinion about developmentally disabled individuals but our company's as well. Customers outside the pharmacy window can and do hear what we say back there. My feeling is he can pick on me all he wants, even though it is annoying and hurts, but he can't pick on other people. That is one thing that makes me angry. Another time when a customer with cancer called for a refill on a pain medication and we found she had none, he joked that it would be funny if she did not get her pain medication. I asked what was funny about that and he quickly replied that wasn't what he meant. I complained to the manager and said if I heard him pick on people again, even if he didn't mean it and was trying to be funny, that I would call corporate to complain. Apparently she mentioned to him to at least not say things around me because he hasn't. I haven't worked with him much due to scheduling due to peoples vacations. Hopefully my complaint put an end to that behavior.

Even though I feel like me getting picked on is no big deal, over time I think it has worn me down. Sometimes there is a real issue to be addressed, but not always. I tend to ignore the stupid stuff because my one co-worker just wants to get a reaction. He says I'm no fun. He's right. He is someone I've had to forgive. As far as my boss, well she is a difference story. She is disorganized. She doesn't communicate well. She had stuff all over the place yesterday and was standing directly in front of what I was working on. I had to leave it to go help a customer. I couldn't reach around her, I had no idea what else to do until I could get back to it. I said I didn't know what to do and it looked confusing and she said “that's obvious” and told me what to do. It's like this all time. I've asked her where something is and she will point and say “over there”. I go and it is not what I am looking for and go back. She says to me in an irritable voice to get that for her. She didn't say she wanted anything, she spoke as if she was answering my question....and it's my fault for not reading her mind.

I can't keep dong this anymore. Everyone wants me to communicate better with her. If someone ignores you it has nothing to do with me being the problem. Someone suggested taking cookies in or something like that. I took her a doughnut one morning and she threw it away when I wasn't looking. I know because I didn't see her eat it and then it was gone. When she left to go to the restroom I checked the bottom of the wastebasket and it was there. She then commented on a comment I made on facebook implying I was dirty...that I didn't do laundry. The other co-worker agreed with her. This isn't the same co-worker that picks on me. I only have 3 pairs of pants to wear to work so I have to wear them twice before laundry. I didn't send her a friend request...another co-worker sent me a request. It was this persons post we both were commenting on. Now I am trying to forgive them both and it is hard.

While my job situation is bringing me the most stress right now and is ongoing, it isn't the most important issue I have. The issue with my therapist still lingers on. I feel I need someone to go into my next session with her to support me in trying to get her to listen to me. I need to talk to her about my lack of trust in her. She wouldn't talk about it at the last appointment in June. The problem is that I do not trust anyone I know here to go with me. They all want for me what my therapist wants for me. That is to be integrated. Which is not a bad thing in fact it is a good thing, however I believe they would not be able to want for me what I want and need more than what my therapist wants. What I want is to establish enough trust to be able to work with my therapist toward this goal. I wrote about the issue with not being listened to in my post, “Are You Listening?” last month.

I am quite discouraged and depressed, especially as I see I do not have support for what I want. I don't think that wanting to establish trust is asking too much. I believe I will only receive support if I follow through with the therapist. Although this has not been stated directly I am fairly certain it is the case. I was told that a lot of people love me. I stated that until it move beyond words into action then it really isn't love. I'll believe it when I see it.