Therapy...Or Not

I have struggled and prayed over the past 6 months in regard to my therapy and healing. I decided to add to this post my up to date insights and progress. My up-to-date insights are in italics and are blue...the original post is in green.

I had an appointment with my therapist a couple weeks ago, before the reconciliation meeting with my pastor. This appointment didn't go so well. I sent her an email a couple days ahead of time. I'm finding if I don't write things down or send an email that I forget stuff I want to talk about.

She basically said she was as frustrated with me as I am with her. She completely ignored the fact that in the email I twice said I didn't trust her. She did pick on a previous negative experience I had with a counselor that I saw at one point after she said she wasn't going to see me for a while. I had brought that up because I said that was when I quit trusting her. I don't know if she expected me to say it but at that point I was reacting to her reaction to my email. I'm seeing I have to keep things very simple with her, more because of me than her. She doesn't seem to understand I get “lost” and the important stuff doesn't get covered because I end up forgetting. I know she knows that I don't always talk about the most important issues in our sessions. I'm not sure she cares to talk about anything I think is important or on how to handle my life.

My therapist and I have met twice in the past 3 weeks after not meeting since mid-May. We were honest with each other and it was less “hot”. I told her about ongoing difficulty dealing with the public at work, that the anger fits and emotional extremes were getting worse and that I was quite stressed out. I told her about the class I took and how I was working through it slowly in order for it to sink in. This class was recommended to my by my pastor who knows I have DID and thought it would be valuable in drawing my alters to Jesus and exposing some of the occult beliefs and influence that is most certainly lingering. She told me about sessions where I did not say anything and she waited. I remember periods of time where I didn't talk at all but not the whole session. I know I wasn't remembering what she told me and assignments. I did write down things during these sessions...I know I need to do what I can do and not let there be any sabotage of my healing.

Since I don't trust her and haven't for a while, I find that more and more I haven't told her everything. When I have been more honest I find I need to defend myself, protect myself because it goes somewhere confusing and I feel like a failure. I'm sure she wants to push me and that would be okay if I trusted her.... except its not safe with her, anymore.

There are still feelings of caution with her...I am sure some alters totally mistrust her. But that is something that can be worked on. I am going to have to be willing to be honest and allow those feelings to be expressed and see what happens.

As far as doing some of the work of the classes I took last year, she seems to think I didn't get the homework done. I've always struggled with follow through and used to hardly ever get assignments done. I've done a lot better in recent years and last year I got almost all the reading and exercises done for these classes a day before. It was when I was struggling with the material and not understanding that I would try to go over it and not always get the review done. She said that I did not get things done. I have no idea what I said that made her think that. I guess when I say I struggle with the material and not get all the way through the review and doing things over I need to say that I did complete it.

I guess I told her plenty of times how I wasn't done with it. I know I ended up finishing often enough and even started to go through it a second time. I guess if I told her I wasn't done then that is all she knows. I just am not sure...I know I was rushed to get through it after realizing if I took my time I wasn't going to even get it read through. But this time through the class I made it clear I was going to work through it and not just read it and rush myself. I'm still working on it even through the class has been over for a month now. But I am getting things out of it that are valuable and I think I am allowing the truth to change me and my relationship with God is growing as well.  

She brought up how I don't want to integrate. Period. She doesn't seem to remember that I or more like my alters aren't sure about it. We need to know more. We need to work on this thing in steps. We need to become comfortable with the idea. She doesn't seem to remember me expressing that. I don't remember working toward acceptance of integration. She doesn't approach it that way. It's all or nothing apparently. Even though I tried to remind her of that it didn't seem to register.

She says integration is a work of God. When I ask about what that is about, what I need to do....her answer is that it is different for everyone so anything she tells me may or may not be true for me. I still want to know how this has worked for others but I can't get an answer out of her. Since I don't trust her, I'm not accepting that non-answer.

One of my assignments is to go in and connect with the alters and find out their thoughts on integration. I was honest with her about how I felt about it...cautious but willing to do it. But it will be easier if the alters can come around and be on board. I don't have a lot of information on the process from her but that is okay. There is other work to be done to get there so I'm going to focus on that. One thing is for sure is that my alters don't co-operate enough for me to be successful at work or in relationships or even managing well at home. I'm tired of working jobs that I have all the skills, knowledge and qualifications but just can't perform.  

I guess at this point I don't trust God either. It's been a long time I've been on this healing path, trusting that it is the right thing for me. I have done what is asked of me. At some point I have backed off being invested because I continue to be disappointed and confused. Sure I'll do the work but I have to measure the energy I put into it. I only have so much and I am expected to have a job to support myself. Since I tend to do poorly at work and have lost a lot of jobs I am invested in having enough to pay the rent and put food on the table. I am told other people heal and hold down jobs. I see the talking out of two sides of the mouth. With integration everyone is different but when it comes to having the energy to do the healing and work a job...everyone is the same.

Right now I think God is the only one I trust completely...or as much as I can. Trust is growing for some people, like the therapist and my pastor...others I'm not sure about. I had someone that I trusted quite a lot and no one else for a few months but she seems to have dropped back in the picture since I saw my therapist the first time. She doesn't say much of what is going on with her or why. I'm not sure about our relationship at all. People are confusing. I don't know if there is anyone I can call if I am having a crisis...as in for support.

She says I am resistant and have been for years. Sure, I don't trust her so why wouldn't I be resistant? I don't trust anyone right now. I will only say so much, because there is no point saying more. Saying more, being even more transparent won't help me and it could hurt me.

I need to be honest and transparent...need to work on this since some alters are all about being protective even if that means being dishonest.

Anyone in their right mind is probably thinking why I don't get another therapist. Right now I don't have insurance so I just can't go to anyone recommended to me. There is always the public mental health clinics but I wouldn't have control over who saw me or even if they believed in DID. Never mind it would be highly unlikely they would be of much help with the spiritual component, from a Christian point of view. I know some therapists have a sliding fee scale. I checked into this last fall when I first realized that I was losing my insurance and that things with this therapist wasn't going well. Yes, I buried the feelings of mistrust as usual. I make so little money that the fee would have to be very low in order to see someone twice a month. In fact my income is so low I cannot meet all my needs. Right now the extra is coming from my tax refund from last year. I haven't gotten any extra work for about 2 months. Hopefully in the fall I will be able to tutor to make up my shortfall from my part-time job. Then maybe I can find a therapist.

At this time I don't plan on seeking another therapist but I may contact another therapist out of the area at the suggestion of a friend in order to consult. I don't know yet, I have to pray about it. What I don't need to do is go between different thoughts on healing and have doubts about either.