Are You Listening?

Listening....people don't do it very well. I'm not sure I do either. Recently I've realized I've not been heard by people I thought had heard me. What I am saying has been ignored seconds after I have said it by someone who wanted me to hear them but did not care to hear me. No one has said to me that I have not heard what they were saying so I don't really know if I have tuned them out or just heard what I wanted. I am certainly not exempt from this, I'm saying how I have been hurt by it.

I agreed to sing in the Good Friday choir this year after being asked numerous times by the choir director. I really didn't want to but I thought it might be a good thing to participate in since I was in between bible studies and needed to be around some good people. So I went to some of the practices and knew my alto part well enough although not great. I showed up Good Friday and warmed up with the choir. Then I went in to find a seat in the choir and sat 3 seats in on the second row of the alto section. You won't catch me dead in the front row and I couldn't sit on the end due to the soloists needing to sit there to get out. A couple people came and told me to move down but I actually could not due to those seats being claimed already. I told these two people several times then I got up and left. I had it with them not listening so I just left. One of them actually saw me at work the next day and apologized. I told her she wasn't listening. The other person tried to talk to me Easter morning and I always need quiet before the service and I said more than once again that I couldn't talk about it now, can we talk about it later. She asked if I could be nice and started up again so I got up and left...again. I sent her an email Monday telling her how I felt and that she had violated a boundary by not listening to me Sunday when she was apologizing for not listening to me on Friday. I did not hear back from her.

Much to my disappointment my therapist has not really heard me on some important things. She got after me for not finishing the reading and assignment for a class I was taking at church that was to be helpful for my healing. The problem was that I had said I was not getting much out of it and then was trying to go over it again and not always able to finish it. I guess I needed to make sure she understood I did finish it but because I didn't fully grasp it I was going over it a second time and could not always finish it the second time through. The thing is the classes were last year in 2010 and I am just finding out she has thought this since then. She also assumes that I don't want my alters to be integrated. I have not ever just felt that I never wanted that. I just don't know about it and I would say something along the line of “no, I don't know, I'm not sure, I need to know more, I need to move toward that...” It seems that “I don't know” for her turns into “I don't kNOw” This frustrates me more than any other mis-communication we have had because this has been my thought and feelings on the topic for a long time now, about 10 years or even more. It's no wonder that she doesn't work with me and my alters toward merging. She tells me what I am doing isn't working and I understand that but she can't be in charge of my therapy because she doesn't listen to me. She may know how to lead me through the process of merging and integration with God's guidance and His healing touch but she isn't making any moves toward creating confidence and trust in her. A part of this listening thing may be what she remembers. The classes were last spring and then again in the fall so it's been 9 months since the most recent one.

I know at work I don't hear others very well and not that I don't listen, sometimes I can barely make out what they are saying. I don't hear soft or low tones well, especially when there is a lot of background noise like at work. I've had coworkers comment that they know I'm deaf. There is one co-worker whose voice has higher tones and unfortunately mocks others often. I could stand to tune him out, he is quite distracting. A part of this may be an actual physical problem but it is undiagnosed. Another thing is that as a survivor of abuse, one of my coping mechanisms was to dissociate thus not hearing, not seeing, not sensing what was going on around me. Since it is difficult for me to focus at work, I might be dissociating auditorily in order to accomplish my job. Not on purpose, it just happens.

Psalm 84:8 “Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob.”

Proverbs 8:33 “Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.”

Psalm 10:17 “You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,”

Psalm 17:6 “I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.”