Screaming to get Out

"Inside this body is a skinny girl screaming 2 get out। I usually shut her up w/ a cookie।"

Someone tweeted this on Twitter a few days ago and I thought it was hysterical. The more I thought about the reality of it for me the less funny it became. I suspect it is true for many people at one level or another. I know it is true for those of us at my 12-step group. We have in the past or are currently covering up our inner pain on a regular basis with something. This is a loose definition of an addiction. For me it is food. The cookie is pretty literal for me since I do love chocolate chip cookies and have dough on hand to make a few whenever I “need” to. For others it may be drugs or alcohol, both of which are considered less socially acceptable than just about anything else. There is a real physical addiction in these cases that needs medical intervention.

What else can people use to shut out the pain and neglect personal growth and responsibility? The Internet is the newest thing. We feel we connect with people with anonymity and it is safer. It may be that but it doesn’t replace working through the pain with a real live person. Thrill-seeking and adrenaline addictions are also recent. Usually this is found more in young people, especially boys and men. Many times this involves reckless and dangerous behavior that can cause physical harm or even death. Shopping, busyness, self image issues, dependant relationships, sex, pornography, gambling, cutting oneself, anorexia, bulimia, achievement and approval seeking plus more that I cannot think of right now. All these behaviors can be used to cover up inner pain. For those of us who are Christians, continuing in these behaviors demonstrates a lack of trust in God with the pain. It's not easy to overcome, for most people it takes years and then continued, purposeful habits of self-checking and accountability to work through the issues that drove people to practice the addictive behavior. For those whose life is anchored in a relatiuonship with Jesus Christ, His healing supernatural power is available...and He does heal.

Many of us recognize these things as a part of our personal self-soothing behaviors. So what is wrong with indulging now and then? The big question and answer is: What are you fixing by this behavior? NOTHING. In fact these behaviors cause health problems, financial problems, relationship problems, more pain and disappointment.

It’s time to look at the pain. You can’t do it alone. As a sexual abuse survivor I needed help. I was able to see a therapist who does understand my issues and knows me. I also attend a Christian 12 step group that is general in nature. I have people who support me and who will listen to me when I need to talk. These people are helping me to work through the issues of the past, the problems they cause me now, and encourage me to be stronger and stronger. Certainly for me Jesus Christ and His healing power has been at the very core of all my healing.

"Out of the Miry Clay" by Linda Fossen

Linda Fossen is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse by her father who became a pastor during her childhood but never changed his abusive behavior. Her story is told in her book, “Out of the Miry Clay”. Her abuse began at an early age and progressed as it often does from touching and playing to outright rape and sodomy. Linda describes herself as a “daddy’s girl” much like I was as a little girl. Her father took advantage of the admiration and love from his daughter to satisfy his growing curiosity and perversion. Even his salvation and subsequent stint at a bible college in Canada as a student did not change his behavior toward Linda.

Linda often admired the families of other children who seemed to have loving, caring bonds in them. She longed for her father to treat her with the tenderness and respect that should exist in a father-daughter relationship. Finally the sexual abuse stopped when her father sodomized her and she responded by telling him to never, never do that again. He threatened her with hell fire and demonstrated it by holding her face close to the open fire of the furnace. He continued to use fear to manipulate her into silence for many years.

Linda’s father often did street evangelism and she and the family would join him in witnessing. Her father also visited the jail and one time he took her with him to meet a young inmate who had really turned his life over to Jesus. Gary witnessed to his fellow inmates and in many cases held their respect because he was one of them. She was attracted to Gary’s enthusiasm and continued to visit him regularly. In time, Gary proposed to Linda and she accepted. Her father and mother totally disapproved of the marriage. Linda’s father sabotaged Gary’s early release by sending a letter to the governor that Gary had threatened him. This was not true. Gary and Linda were eventually married but they had to wait 15 more years to live together as man and wife.

In the mean time Linda worked and commuted to see Gary every week. At one point when Gary was very ill and hospitalized, she was not contacted officially. She went to the hospital only to find out she could not see him. She returned the next day having received special permission to see Gary. All through this time Gary and Linda continued to seek God, grow in Christ and grow together.

Gary was released from prison and had difficulty finding a job. He also had poor health due to the lack of basic health and dental care in the penal system. Linda had risen up in her career and was doing well. At a point Linda sustained a neck injury while lifting while on the job. After doctors, x-rays and MRI’s there was no definite diagnosis. Linda knew there was something wrong. A chiropractor suggested a physician who took films at an angle different than the norm and diagnosed Linda right away. He performed surgery on her neck. She was still in pain and she and Gary traveled to a Benny Hinn crusade to seek prayer and healing. There were other physical problems and over time there were more prayers for healing and God responded. God began to speak to Linda’s deep heart about her abuse, despair and feelings of low self worth. She began to see a therapist at the insistence of her doctor. She grew to trust him and he helped her through the pain, anger and sadness from the abuse. She forgave her father and told Jesus she was done trying to change her father into the person she always wanted him to be.

She and Gary confronted her father, who had little to say for himself. He was mostly worried that they would tell others and his reputation would be ruined.

Linda realized that indeed Jesus had made her whole and had made her for a purpose. She took her journal entries and created the book, “Out of the Miry Clay.” She has a website www.LindaFossen.com where her book can be ordered.

Justice

What Kind of Topic is Justice for a blog by a sexual abuse survivor? Rarely do adult survivors of sexual abuse get legal justice. The hassles of memory from childhood being questioned, evidence is gone if it ever existed, and the overwhelming stress of going through a trial is too much for many survivors. Most of the perpetrators are free and living a good life. Where is the justice?

In the online Merrimen-Webster dictionary there are several definitions for the word Justice all of them closely related. The one I liked was "The quality of being just, impartial or fair" another was "...the assignment of merited rewards of punishments". It is linked with the word Righteous with one meaning being “arising from an outraged sense of justice or morality”. Okay, step away from the dictionary and come back to reality. In the real world we know all is not fair and people are not rewarded or punished as merited.
 

At another level, deeper than many of us dare to search out, there is justice. I’m not tormenting my readers, honestly. This is the justice of overcoming, being survivors and being victors over the wounds that were left. I can say that I would not be a survivor or victor if the love of Jesus had not invaded my wounded heart. This would not have happened if I had not searched for it and if I had not found people who listened to God and prayed for me. God lead me to these Christians who obeyed Him and did not hide their heads in the sand when it came to people’s brokenness. I certainly was broken. I certainly felt broken from the abuse, but I knew there was an answer somewhere. After much time being prayed for, listened to and listening for the Holy Spirit of truth I began to overcome. It wasn’t without pain however I had the strength only God can give to journey through it.

Many would say, "Where was God when you were being abused?” That is a good question that needs to be answered before receiving the healing from Jesus. It is okay to be angry with God; He is bigger than all our anger. He was hanging on a cross while we were being abused. He had been set up, accused of sedition in the Roman led government. He then suffered beatings, lashings with a whip imbedded with bits of sharp iron, had his beard pulled out and a crown of thorns pushed down on his head. Then there was the crucifixion. He was naked, supporting his weight on his hands and feet that had been immobilized by nails buried in his wrists and feet. All he had done was present news of salvation from His Father, healed people and forgave them. All this is to point out that Jesus took the ultimate “merited punishment” of our wrongdoing as well as our abusers. This so we can have the “unmerited reward” or justice of the offer of life with Him forever. He lets humankind follow the path that started with the disobedience of Adam and Eve and eventually will end when Jesus returns. However He did not leave us to suffer unimaginably for the fruits of that disobedience. He offers hope and healing as a part of the path of Justice. What or Who else could overcome the dirty deeds done in secret, the denials, the set-ups than to com eout the other side victorious?  It is a process, a path I am on and others as well. Sometimes it seems it will take forever or that I will fail....but so far, in spite of poor decisions at times, misunderstandings and going through periods where I am too tired to do the work...I am making progress, I am getting better and I am living into God's intended justice for me.