Emotional Pain

Many survivors of abuse and sufferers of depression and anxiety experience inner emotional pain. Sometimes it is experienced as a pain in the stomach or chest that is not associated with any physical problem. Sometimes it is a pervasive feeling of being stressed or restless. It can develop in childhood as a result of neglect, verbal abuse or lack of nurturing. It is there because there is a need going unmet. Needs for safety and affirmation are two big ones.

Emotional pain can lead to some kind of addiction from serious problems like alcohol and drugs to less destructive ones like shopping or internet addictions. Even the more minor ones can have the effect of causing a person to neglect relationships, neglect responsibilities at home and work, or stagnate recovery and therapy efforts. People don’t like emotional pain any more than they like physical pain. So we try to cover it up. Physical pain means there is a problem that needs to be resolved. Sometimes it turns out to be something temporary like a headache or serious like a heart attack. The same goes for emotional pain; it means something is wrong. Too many people live with the emotional pain or develop an addiction to numb it.

Emotional pain can get to an intolerable level when we push it down and try to hide it. We need to express the anger or disappointment that has occurred over our life. As children it may not have been safe to express our feelings at all. We couldn’t show disappointment or anger or grief. It just didn’t go away, it went deep. Even after we grew up we kept up the pattern of hiding our feelings because it was the only thing we knew. Often we are afraid of what others will think of us if we do.  

One thing that needs to happen at some point in the process of feeling the hidden pain is to forgive those who caused you to hide your feelings in the first place. That usually turns out to be parents. There may be other relatives or caretakers, coaches or teachers too. However, to continue to hold the feelings in isn’t going to help. I did an extended book review on “Wounded” by Terry Wardle. It can be found on my blog in previous posts. He talks about steps to healing that include releasing the emotions to God and then forgiveness. Jesus took all the hurts we experience on Himself at the cross. Those things were sins against God and us. It does us no good and does the abuser no harm for a person to continue to hold onto those feelings and not forgive.  

Wounded, Chapters 9 & 10 Summary

There are many tools people make use of when they pursue recovery from their wounds; Psychiatrists, therapists, medications, support groups, friends and prayer counselors among them. But the healing comes through once source…. Jesus Christ. He alone has paid the price to redeem all the abuse and neglect a person can experience. Therapy, even good therapy, cannot release a person from the wounds of the past. Often therapy begets more therapy, not true healing. Chapter 9 is on what is beyond doctors and therapists. Terry Wardle quotes this scripture: II Corinthians 3:17-18.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

Being transformed….to look like Jesus. Wow. Looking back at my journey who would have ever thought I could reflect Jesus! This transformation comes as we submit to the Spirit of God. Reading scripture is one way to learn about whom God is and what He does for us and gives us. Doing a word study through http://www.biblegateway.com/ is a good way to find some of these things. Start with “encourage”, “love” or “unfailing” and go from there. The last part of the chapter goes through characteristics of God’s love toward us. It is full of compassion, merciful, unconditional, giving, and grace.

Chapter 10 is entitled “The bondage is broken, but beware”. While a person may have gained freedom and healing, the enemy hasn’t yet given up on trying to cause a person to resort to dysfunctional thought and behavior patterns. When I am stressed or dip into depression I will slip in those areas. We need to continue to be in the Bible, share our feelings with a trusted person, and seek to continue the transformation the Holy Spirit is doing in our life. People will fall because of their environment. They may be around those who supported the old dysfunctional behavior and pressure a person to go back to it. Sometimes the enemy applies pressure, tempting a person with continuous thoughts to drive them back into it.

 

Through the process of healing, Jesus is the key to each step even though the person infront of us may be a doctor, therapist or group leader. Drawing close to Him through it all is what will make the healing a permenant one. I give glory to God for my healing and continued transformation.

link to this post

"Wounded" by Terry Wardle - Chapter 8

Many people desperately seek to console the feelings left by the wounds of their past. Whether it was sexual abuse or a withdrawal of love by a parent, the wound exists and has not healed. It may have been covered over by an addiction, perfectionism, approval seeking or any of a number of coping mechanisms. Ultimately when we crash, when the pain leaks through, we begin to look for “real” help.

A key help is prayer, an appeal to the God who created us. Not just in being the recipient of the prayers of others, but to engage in it ourselves. Jesus engaged in regular prayer to the Father. He taught that whoever prays in His name would receive an answer. We have to remember that we as finite beings don’t always recognize the answer. The disciples also prayed and taught on prayer. James 5:16 – “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”.

Terry Wardle gives suggestions on how to pray, modeled on “The Lord’s Prayer”. First, he suggests focusing on Christ and His acts for us to begin. Then praises to follow. He lists names of God, attributes, and His roles as guides. Then agree with God on His will for your life and healing. Thank God for how he has worked in your life. We need to pray for our needs, then forgiveness, asking for it and granting it to those who hurt us. We also need to pray for protection from the enemy who would want us to continue in wounding and pain. Finally pray for others. Wardle recommends several books, among them “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil Anderson. Another focus of prayer is putting on the full armor of God found in Ephesians 6.

Another aspect of inner healing is intercessory prayer. The prayer of other Christians for you and your healing is essential. Then Wardle talks about prayer therapy. A trained counselor prays for insight from the Holy Spirit. Both of you wait in prayer for an impression or word from the Holy Spirit on how to proceed. It may be a particular event or feeling or dealing with the dysfunction that got you there. Anything. The counselee expresses their feelings in prayer to God and the counselor invites Jesus in to comfort. There is more to it than this, but it is basically what happens. The books, “Healing for Damaged Emotions” and “Healing of Memories” by David Seamonds is recommended as well as other works by Neil Anderson.

Walking in the truth means facing the truth of our past and the truth about ourselves. What we seek in prayer is that truth, particularly the truth that Jesus can transform our lives and heal us. He is with us each painful step of the way.

Thoughts

I have looked long and hard at chapters 5 – 7 of "Wounded" by Terry Wardle. The three themes, approval seeking, fear of failure and shame are ones I can relate to very much. This post is about my thoughts on those topics.  Approval-seeking....we all do some of that don't we? Getting good grades in school got us praise and sometimes a reward. When we helped extra around the house, mom or dad was pleased. Some of us though, it didn't matter what we did, it didn't work; "You could have done better..." or something to that effect. We responded to those words by doing it better. I did not have much in the negative reinforcement area. I just didn't get a lot of positive reinforcement. I was never the best. I was never in the "in" crowd at school. I didn't have friends among the nerds or jocks, bad kids or class clowns. So in some way it affects my behavior today. I want to be approved of and noticed. I don't want the reputation I had as a "weird" person or "maladjusted" as I was going through the worst of my depression in my recovery from abuse. So I hang around people that I want approval or recognition from. I try to act in a way to be approved of. Of course now that I am past the worst part of my emotional trauma and healing, it is easier to act appropriately. I don't seek approval as much as I did. Now I want the approval of fewer people and not for everything I do. The people who I want approval from are people who know me and know of my journey. They can call me out for acting immature or behaving in a way I should be past by now. Their opinion is important. I still need to get past some of this approval seeking. I am my own person now and am more confident in myself. I also know for myself if my performance at work is my best or if I slacked off a bit.Fear of failure. Back to the scenario at the beginning of the last paragraph. Lack of approval and sometimes the consequences can bring on a lot of anxiety, especially when being the best is highly approved of, even over love.Some individuals have to be the class valedictorian, have the straight A's, get the employee of the year award, get the bonus, get the choice office etc.  Their very emotional stability counts on it! They may get theses rewards yet they never feel good about it. They are looking at the next project already. They may become workaholics, addicted to stimulants, coffee etc. I have more of a fear of success. Like I will get in over my head and then what will I do? Like I am afraid to move on, to do something new. I have sabotaged my efforts at school and at jobs. Not consciously though. I am better than I used to be, graduated from school 2 years ago with a 3.67.

Shame…wow, what a loaded word. For me, I often feel “less than” other people. I’m not quite “good” enough. My opinion doesn’t count. All lies. It goes back to the feeling that something must be wrong with me. I felt that often in my twenties before I really knew what was wrong. Of course it wasn’t what was wrong with me, it was what was wrong about what was done to me. When I came to that realization, it was freeing. I had done nothing wrong to deserve the sexual or emotional abuse. Still, I continue to have problems with shame although not nearly as much.

All of these symptoms and responses to my early wounds would never have subsided and been healed if it weren’t for Jesus Christ. As I sought Him and His healing, he responded. He led me to a place where people could administer His touch through prayer and support. Therapy had not helped me up to then. I was pretty desperate and lost. I found freedom in Christ and continue on a path of growth and healing to this day.